@AdSi Hello :)
I have read carefully what you have written. Honestly, many answers to your addictions, obsessions are already inside you and in your words. Have you ever wondered who you want to be? I'm not talking about psychology, it's not my field and I don't have the necessary skills. Forgive me I just try to learn and improve myself and why not, if I can be useful .. to be there for real.
We all have demons with whom we fight on a daily basis, getting up in the morning is a challenge, whenever you do you have decided to fight. Addictions probably reveal a lack of something, they are an escape valve .. once you have clarified within yourself, I mean inner cleansing, who knows maybe things will improve.
Personally I don't know anyone with the same story as you and I don't want to make up stories. I have respect for everyone, but Alda Merini is a fixed point, maybe you will find in her the answers you are looking for or new questions, or both ... but go on. If you talk about it it is because you are stronger, unconsciously you know it, by writing you show it. Stay safe
Yes, thank you, I'm fine.