Posts made by Heyworld

@Shardana Hey Shardana,

Thank you so much for your reply and your kind words.

Please don't apologise, I think you're absolutely right. My emotions do seem to underpin much of how my life plays out; emotional instability, or dysregulation, or whatever term anyone wants to use certainly has a formidable power over me - my battle is to try to not let it be so extreme. It does lead to good things too though. I have probably sounded negative, but just haven't got round to the other stuff yet. I think there is a general sense of unfulfillment that follows me around which possibly does draw me towards obsessive and sometimes unhealthy behaviours, that can lead to addiction. I speak in past tense simply because I haven't done the things I mentioned for a while, even if only months. Some people I have met who have been in 12 step groups refer to the things in present tense, e.g. "I am an alcoholic in recovery", etc. I am not knocking it at all as those programmes are highly effective, but I just tend to say that I used to be or do x instead, even if I have only stopped the activity recently. Not sure there's a particular or intentional reason as to why. I do have worries over whether I will have the same compulsions and obsessions again - recurrence of things is quite a common thing almost no matter what I try - or even brand new ones. I do still get a lot of cravings. It's tricky to get out many places without being confronted with alcohol; there are adverts for all kinds of unhealthy things like gambling that are difficult to avoid completely; and it's difficult to even be out and about even around where I live without things triggering me. It is a daily battle, and has lead me to a fairly reclusive condition.

Thank you for the poetry recommendation I shall find and read some. Hope you are well...?

@Shardana thank you for your reply. Beautifully put yourself

[a tongue in cheek cheesy love poem?]

There isn’t a word in the great English book
That could summarise my feelings
Or the way that you look.

I flicked through the pages for hours and hours
In search of a word
To compare you to flowers.

But even the words full of sumptuous tone
Were empty and plain
And as brittle as bone.

I wanted something to say how much you truly mean,
How much I need you,
And how your eyes gleam.

But there was not a word that could bring you to life
With pencil and paper,
A chisel or knife.

So I decided to stop, exhausted and drained,
And just tell you outright
That this love can't be feigned.

Oh! Babe of babes come hither
Come piece me back together
Come to me and conquer
Come let me make you quiver
Come take my seeded bone
Come let us be as one
Come dance upon my throne
Come ravish me alone
Come take the hand I offer
Come to me my lover
Oh! Babe of babes come hither
Come piece me back together

An ex partner who has ended up becoming quite a successful tattoo artists tattooed this on her thigh!

Count me in!

...what was that could have been something else...

...whatever darkness there is that lurks in my mind; whatever the chemical misfirings in my brain, it has led me to troublesome things. I have a propensity for addictions. I have been a compulsive gambler, and lost. I have been addicted to street drugs which has led me into precarious situations. I have been a chronic alcololic and had to go to a rehab clinic, which was for reasons of mental ill health too and probably saved my life. Not the worst ever, but we are talking a box of beer and a bottle of whisky a day at one point. That was June last year. I didn't drink alcohol for 3 months, then slipped up. Then managed a few more months, but slipped up again. I have now been dry for 5 months, except for one disastrous evening that led me to being robbed. I seem to have ended up with a kind of relationship addiction, and none of them have turned out well - perhaps it's an addiction to heartache! I have just finished a years vow of celibacy (with just the one slip up). Currently I don't work (I'm not really able to right now - that's not a copout). I took a massive overdose of lithium, and several other drugs back in July. Ended up in hospital for a week. Have no memory of the days leading up to it. The hospital records weren't complete and all I know is that someone found me somewhere and called the emergency services. All I have to go by is a suicide note that was found on my person. I had renal failure and on dialysis and a ventilator for three days, and was heavily sedated so don't remember that. Apparently I was trying to rip the canulas out of my veins and arteries and pull out the tube down my throat. Whenever I start something I am so absorbed that nothing else matters, but then it either leads to disater or I give up and crash. Has anyone else experienced similar?

@Shardana what a wonderful question. It is so true! I am honest and have integrity and tend to stick by people no matter what. I often end up being the passive one, overly so, and it has lead to abuse in the past - emotional mainly, but sometimes financial and even physical. I think the more passive on is the more dominant the other becomes. It's not the case all the time, but is all too often the case. That is partly why some people being prone to abuse just for being ourseleves. Hmmm...

@ellie-__-Bloom hello. How's you. I'm in the same boat. Where you from? Up to anything fun??

@Oona-Lisa-Van-Heuverzwyn hey you. How's things today? I'm always up for chatting. I find myself in the same boat, so please do. I've put up a couple things re my health situation, don't know if any of that fits with you as well... I am real and genuine and have been on and off looking for ages for a site that you don't have to buy coins for and with not many weirdos (at least that I have noticed so far!). I have quite bad social anxiety and struggle with social situations. I am actually looking into starting up and advocacy drop in try to offer information on groups and things and support to get involved with, and loneliness is a key factor. Feel free to pm me... or just reply here... or not... I am in Devon in the South West of the UK

...whispering love away

Showing distress, this peace
Beyond the conceptual -
Neptune’s abandoned niece
Prays silent and dismal.

A determined fate
Resides in his each breath -
Lines unworthy to repeat
Are echoed in this Earth.

For distrust once gave him
Depth of shallow tide,
Beset him and befell him
With that cold unworthy pride.

Preserved in her, his tongue;
Jarred hearts in formaldehyde
Savoured by the young
Are cast out by the wise.

Fallen bitter twins
Set out to find their lot
Discerning kept within
So Tragic and besot.

But driven on by spurs
Each made for them alone
There is a majesty of verse
Within each hefty tome.

If he’d only noticed her
At once, beneath his wing
Gifted her his shoulder
Through him let her sing

Perhaps these words would not
So mottled sit unspoken -
To each the one forgot
Their love remained unopened.

@Sagar-SK hello. Thank you for your kind words. How are you? Feel free to pm. Have just posted the next bit...

...I'm not one to let my diagnosis define me or make it my identity. But they are a useful tool for beginning and guiding the direction of treatment. I have ended up stuck in a whirlpool of confusion and doubt and it does have some effect at least on the way I perceive, and often question, who I am and what I do. My thoughts take me to terrible places. I often feel like I am at the bottom of a well with no one and nothing around me, and simply watching the world go by through a narrow lens.

Throughout my life I have taken well over ten medications, and am currently on five, but thankfully stopping titrating down off one of them. Side effects have left my outlook blurry and my mind lacking clarity. I often find that the side effects and causing a greater detriment then any beneficial effects I may be getting. I think there are clearly some benefits, as the couple of spells over recent years I haven't been on many or any meds it has ended in disaster. But I still have quite significant symptoms, and suffer, even if not quite as bad as might otherwise be the case.

Clarity over a diagnosis would be good too for doing homework and trying to find out things that may help from books and online, etc. What might help for one thing might not help for another, or may even make things worse. Around where I live that is pretty much what we are left to do. The waiting list for support services is atrocious - years, many years. It took over 4 years from the initial referral to allocate me a support worker, and only a little less for a psychiatrist. I have recently been referred to the local Autistic Spectrum Conditions team for assessment, but the waiting list is currently around 4 years. I was fortunate to have received support in the past here many years ago, but moved away for a couple years, then back, and had to be re-referred. So that will be 8 years to even find out whether my issues may be associated with and autism spectrum condition. If so, being on most of the meds I've been on will have been pointless, which seems to be the case a lot of the time...

Has anyone experienced similar? How are you currently?

(Note: I am still grateful to have the NHS services available at all)

If you are reading this, thank you. I have decided to open up and share my experiences in the world of wavering mental health, symptoms, the interactions I have had with support services, and my life in general... And if my writings can eventually help just one person a little through a difficult time I will feel very privileged. I'm going to do a little bio here broken up into chunks. Here's a little background.

I have been involved with psychiatric and psychological teams for many years. My experience is mixed. Over the course of around 15 years. I have received several opinions and diagnoses, but what seems to have stuck is bipolar affective disorder ans personality disorder traits. Sometimes I agree with this, but at other times I stubbornly disagree (and I don't think that I am alone there). In the mix have also been Osessive Compulsive Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personaliy disorder, emotionally unstable personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder and autism spectrum condition - which is a lot. I have been on a shit load of different meds at different points too, but the problems still keep returning...

Some wake to a morning made of stripes

And spend a lifetime in concave reflections;

Fantasising of labyrinthine potential

Carved by the woven hands of M C Escher

Whilst picnicking on paradoxical

Vertices; swimming in the viscous

ashtray gloop of opaque solidity

And residing in a world of pure beige

Pondering some universal colour.

Some revel in a state of voluntary

Constipation and spend the morning

airing out lethargic lungs. Constructed

by a swash of blues and pinks believing

in the autocracy of syntax

And painting it on foam walls,

forgetting the concept of conformity

And the desolate screams of prehistory

Embedded in organic limestone blocks.

Some find vanilla to be exquisite;

A form of kindness to embrace full-tongued,

Proclaiming their love only once.

They scatter themselves alongside the remnants

Of the Elgin Marbles. Locked in a cycle

of togetherness in un-togetherness;

Seeking company in the eye of an eye

of an eye of a drop from a dead sea

Where no two raindrops are ever the same.

Some see chaos as gospel in blood;

Worshiping the smoky vaporous

Fluid, finding beauty in refraction

And brushing the shimmering convection

Aside they finger their swollen coffee grounds

And know that drought is just rain un-fallen.

They push the moon away with a thumb;

An attempt to measure out Eternity

on a scale balanced by unwritten books.

@knownsense so what's all?

Sonnet from the Rocks

(Fingle Bridge)

Glistening torrents stain the bouldered ground
From springs on high in wooded slopes.
A course through thickened marshland found;
The crest of moss-clad rocks it gropes.

It bleeds into veins disposed by earthy nooks
And still to flow it would if left alone;
Taking the only course it knows it hooks
Around the base of bridges set in stone

As people chatter on the river bank;
Voices sounding distant due to coarse
And crisp and sensuous sounds that sink
Into the ambiance of abundant moors.

And towards the precious water's power
I give you full attention in this hour.