• @OLIAG Well articulated! I literally feel how calm and composed you are while typing this, man...
    Wow


  • @OLIAG thanks for that. much appreciated!


  • @OLIAG said in Just Looking for a little emotional support/perspective:

    I would totally lose my interest to even live close to someone who would grab your hand just to drag you in the hole they are.

    it truly is folly to entirely deny someone close over that.

    Found those two thoughts resonated with me strongly. dragging me into her hole - brilliantly weaved good sir/maddam!!

    Generally agreed about miscommunication - had to let the anger about the lying dissipate before I could revisit and emotionally accept that fully.

    I believe you're spot on with the insecurities - again lots at play that is impractical to share here.. without writing a novel. The best way I've found to put all the pieces together is that it may all be about self-protection on her side...

    Her exaggerating/hyperbolizing/fabricating has been known and acknowledged by her and both my family and hers for quite some time..

    I don't think I've mentioned the, how to put it. She'll sometimes push a discussion/argument in a direction wherein she's beyond reproach.

    For example an argument about how to cook eggs becomes a matter of women's rights.. or an argument about whether or not to run the dishwasher after you've emptied out the sink or to wait until it's full becomes about racial justice. (We're all white or white mixed fyi).

    She'll then occupy the position of social justice warrior for either cause and you're left in the position of being judged an enemy of that cause if you voice an opinion in opposition to hers. "I just think we should save water and run it when it's full" = I'm a hater of women that should be ashamed of myself.

    I would much rather just ask her her own thoughts about these things than speculate/mind read from the outside. For now I think I'll have to make peace with the fact that that probably isn't possible - first have to figure out how to get on the same page on reality (I'd wager a dispassionate explanation of this reality, corroborated by those she herself cares about/respects would be met with denial and or a emphatic claim that we are all gaslighting her)

    It's been a week - I've softly resolved, should she engage me on the topic again, to give up on getting an understanding of me on her side of the fence for now. I think the best chance of having a productive conversation with her would be for me/us to solely focus on understanding her.. her perspective on events that have transpired, her thoughts and feelings around those events, and her own understanding of herself. Be validation incarnate.


  • @somedumbguy @Dang-girl Glad you appreciated my frame of mind!
    It is, indeed, a nightmare to deal with difficult people, especially if you cannot find any reasoning beneath their actions. The other day, I was called toxic for showing disapproval to someone's opinion, despite the fact that all I have said was expressed in a proper manner. I kept thinking and reiterating the conversation and I couldn't find what word choices were unfit. Then I remembered this one quote from Nicholas Humphrey, "To speak the truth among people who do not want to hear it is considered almost an aggressive act – an invasion of privacy, a trespass into someone else's space. Not nice, not done...". If she is resilient enough to reject any thoughts coming from external sources, try making her find the answer from the inside.
    Do not consume yourself with such fights - this is not the first and I can very much guarantee that it will not be the last either. Instead, cherish the moments you can. We all are blinded by these very moments of pride, where it takes over and we instantly feel the urge to slash through the skin and flesh of those we cared and had so much appreciation for a while back. Might have been her catalyst to lie and betray, might be your way to focus on her flaws and not the moments you liked her presence.
    I clearly am not an advocating for letting such an incident fade away without getting to a clear explanation, for there's always something to learn through them. Yet there is enough poison in the world, it doesn't need ours. I still am curious to know what phrases were misinterpreted and what they meant to her.


  • @OLIAG Opinion often consumes the minds of people, and they are so fixated on their point of view that they don’t see how someone else could express a different one. So it's also best to look at the situation from their perspective and think about why they may believe in or support the things that they do.

    I guess this belongs to you...

    images (24).jpeg


  • @OLIAG I guess the easiest example of a misinterpreted phrase was "I advocate and defend you around other people" expressed empathetically being interpreted as an attack as opposed to an attempt to bring us to the same side of the table... instead of on opposite sides.

    I think that quote you mentioned is quite relevant. I spoke with my therapist about the whole shpeal and one of her more salient points was.. don't challenge a delusional persons delusions..

    It's all good for the timebeing. Though painful, I did learn more about her from the exchange.. and although I was rebuffed at every turn I believe she at least understands some of my perspective more clearly even if she completely rejects it.

    Thanks again for taking the time to engage this and reply thoughtfully!!


  • @Dang-girl I've found in my experience that that and many other barriers (defensiveness, misunderstanding, catastrophizing, mindreading, name calling, etc) to good communication grow and shrink in severity in congruence with the intensity of unmoderated emotion being experienced by the barrier producing party.

    I've experienced it both as the offending party - producing those barriers.. the more emotional and unchecked I am the more likely I am to create obstacles and as a receiver of said obstacles


  • Well @somedumbguy, I resonate a lot with your story, although mine had a very different outcome given I wasn't as wise as you since I was younger and prideful. But the thing I feel would maybe help you better cope with this feeling of betrayal and misunderstanding is that when people tend to be super defensive and see everything as a possible attack often means they are dealing with a lot of suppressed guilt and shame. I dont know the story of your sister in law, and its not even necessary. What you said, given that you sounded honest and sincere, sound like someone having to deal with a person that is somewhat lost in their own fantasies and insecurities, and cannot handle the slightest sign of criticism and antagonism, since she might be dealing with that inside her own head 24. This has proven true in my case, and I do not resent my sister in law or my brother, since I know they are plagued by guilt in general. Projection of expectations.


  • @Thales_BG Thanks for the message good sir. Relationships are rough. I've found myself pitching the "how to deal with someone with dementia argument" to friends quite often... and I'm exercising it a bit with my sis-in-law now.

    Basic idea is that in some instances it's easier to just go along with whatever you're getting from the other side of whatever interaction "Yea Bob those selfish aliens sure do seem to like stealing all of your mayonnaise!" Instead of "What are you talking about!? John took the mayo. He's standing over there with it in his hand!!" Even though you may be right, in instances where the other party cannot handle criticism or their delusions being exposed... your correction serves only to further alienate the other party - which pushes you both away from having a productive interaction.

    People are complicated. It's funny. Although she can be a whole set of things that drive me nuts when she's feeling on edge/anxious/stressed when she's not in that state we get along just fine, sharing giggles over nonverbal exchanges, collectively teasing my brother, or laughing at ourselves for stupid/silly things we do. I suppose it is what is is for now and that's fine.

    I don't know if she has any guilt in the mix of whatever is going on inside of her emotionally, from what little we've touched on it sounds like she holds onto to some resentment towards me from over a decade ago. Perceived slights from things said and done that were interpreted very negatively - interpretations that are a far cry from my actual intentions or actual meaning. Seems the book is closed on those things on her side - no space to discuss or form new understandings - I am whatever she's judged me to be based on her interpretation of those events.. I get no say.

    I also challenge myself to hold no resent towards her, although I certainly do fail in moments :)


  • @Thales_BG Thanks for the message good sir. Relationships are rough. I've found myself pitching the "how to deal with someone with dementia argument" to friends quite often... and I'm exercising it a bit with my sis-in-law now.

    Basic idea is that in some instances it's easier to just go along with whatever you're getting from the other side of whatever interaction "Yea Bob those selfish aliens sure do seem to like stealing all of your mayonnaise!" Instead of "What are you talking about!? John took the mayo. He's standing over there with it in his hand!!" Even though you may be right, in instances where the other party cannot handle criticism or their delusions being exposed... your correction serves only to further alienate the other party - which pushes you both away from having a productive interaction.

    People are complicated. It's funny. Although she can be a whole set of things that drive me nuts when she's feeling on edge/anxious/stressed when she's not in that state we get along just fine, sharing giggles over nonverbal exchanges, collectively teasing my brother, or laughing at ourselves for stupid/silly things we do. I suppose it is what is is for now and that's fine.

    I don't know if she has any guilt in the mix of whatever is going on inside of her emotionally, from what little we've touched on it sounds like she holds onto to some resentment towards me from over a decade ago. Perceived slights from things said and done that were interpreted very negatively - interpretations that are a far cry from my actual intentions or actual meaning. Seems the book is closed on those things on her side - no space to discuss or form new understandings - I am whatever she's judged me to be based on her interpretation of those events.. I get no say.

    I also challenge myself to hold no resent towards her, although I certainly do fail in moments 🙂


  • I like... have almost figured out how to navigate posting/replying properly :dog: