Advice much needed

[allallalalalla]

To be completely honest, I really don't know how to start this confession. Sorry in advance if this is too long, l'll try my best to keep it short. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for approximately 5 years. I love him and I think that he loves me as well, or at least that's what l'm trying to believe as a coping mechanism. I'll say it as raw as it is, he unfortunately doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. He says he is tired from work, it's never the right time (sometimes our working schedules differ but not always), he said he wants to just chill etc. I completely understand someone being tired from work and needing some time and space for themselves to recharge, but we have sex one time every 4 months or so and only because I have to tell him hey yk I'm hor*y. Most of the time the answer is something along the lines of "how?" Or "I'm not in the mood rn, I'm tired" yada yada. I started getting suspicious because this behavior has been going on for years and I always tried to make sense of his excuses so l brushed it off. But I think that this is not a healthy relationship. Yeah ok I know it's not only sex but it's sex as well that has to be balanced to feel loved and appreciated as a woman, at least that's my perspective. So, unfortunately I got the decision to search his mobile phone. Obv I know that's not the right thing to do but I got so messed up with my emotions and I did it. I wish I didn't. He doesn't follow any nsfw content on instagram tho his feed was full of semi naked models, nstw cosplayers, thirstraps, onlyfans models etc. Oh dear lord that algorithm doesn't lie cuz his search bar was like that as well.

I tried to brush it off as well trying to remain calm and focus on finding a way to relax and deal with this awful situation as a mature adult person. Until I saw that in his notepad has tags and links of onlyfans... Approximately 1 or 2 years ago he opened his gmail to send me some files via email I happened to catch a glimpse of an onlyfans subscription. I made it very clear that this is not acceptable. He said that he did it out of curiosity because he said that the said person was not a si*t and not because he wanted to jerk off. I somehow believed at him and chose to forgive him and move on. Unfortunately I found in his notepad tags of onlyfans models and onlyfans links. I chose to see them. My self esteem is so broken. I feel so bad about being me. I feel like a nobody to him. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved and have a sexual relarelationship with anyone, especially him. I feel like I'll never be enough. And this is the truth. And this is tearing me apart from inside out. Right after I saw all that, I wrote a big letter expressing my emotions and thoughts saying that I'm full on to support him if he tells me the truth no matter how painful it is so that we can work through this together. I can't give this to him cuz l'm afraid that he will break up. I love him so much. Why did he do this to me? To us? Why? I woke him up right after and hid the letter. He hugged me and he said "you're beautiful". I started crying tried to hide it and then when I got left alone I started crying uncontrollably.. I feel so alone in all this.. and so hopeless.. I really don't know what the f should I do .. Thank you for taking the time reading this it means a lot and makes me feel a bit less alone Any advice appreciated

[FebLean]

Hello Mam, I am virgin and single by choice, but this should not limit me to give you my advice. You can take my advice or not, it's really up to you. Well as you see, our modern times really shapes our culture and our everyday life. Many relationships have struggles to these complexities and how they can fully understand there partners. But the advice there is to put it simple, talk with him open heartedly about what you are uncomfortable with. Because for me you are not just his girlfriend but a very wife material. We are born to be a submissive, an attention seeker, and their protector at same time. Please listen to this madam, NEVER EVER DEGRADE YOURSELF or LOOK AT YOURSELF SO SMALL, because you are actually worth than any rubies in this world because you truly love your man. It's just that he needs to realize you value by opening these all up to him. I know that open communications can solve a relationship problems. Be strong and never ever compare yourself to any onlyfans girls out there, it was just their job but sometimes men can turn their vices to obsessions and it can ruin their lives. Just don't be so overdrive by your emotions, learn to shield yourself from pain and calm your waves so that you can state everything in logical and reasonable order. Because oftentimes, a relationship can be miserable when you argue with emotions and what you just feel. You are a strong woman but you need to realize your boundaries, I need you to also find your own happy healthy place and don't just revolve your life to your man. Always asks yourself if everything is right. Because I believe that love is never be enough, because sometimes we can say that we love the person, we can show that through sex and actions, but how about us? we can lose ourselves at anytime. So even in a relationship, have your own personal goal and growth. Listen to podcast, learn to meditate, surround yourself with good friends, be outgoing, and pray. I know it will be a tough time as you heal yourself, but believe me, you can, and after that, just return to your man if he really belongs to you. Lovelots.

[Matt_Aranha]

@allallalalalla You deserve better, and you need to have the hard conversation with him. Fear of breaking up is not a healthy reason to stay together; he has deceived and disrespected you.

I feel so much for what you're going through, the pain and angst must feel crushing at times... but if your relationship can't survive him the aftermath of him reading an honest letter about how you feel, that should tell you all you need to know about your future together 😞