• Hello.
    Im married with a 4-year old son.
    I have a house, a car, a dog, two cats, and a couple fish. (On the surface I have everything someone should need to feel accomplished)

    But I do not feel joy. Nor warmth, nor compassion. I feel alone, and in pain.

    I am unemployed. I have severe depression, where I can not get out of bed. I have had an eating disorder since I was small to cope with bullying and abuse for my weight. I used food as a crutch to feel comfortable somehow. I’ve felt wrong in my own skin for as long as I can remember. I am in a relationship where I feel alone, misunderstood, and ugly. I came out of the closet as PANsexual this past Christmas and feel completely misunderstood for finally admitting who I was, and have been since I was small.

    I lay here in bed, at 1:30am next to my sleeping husband and my dog, awake and unable to sleep. It’s raining outside and I stare out on the wet road outside my bedroom window. A familiar longing aches inside me, to walk out into the cold rain and walk away. Away where? I don’t know, just somewhere I won’t hurt anymore. I hate myself for feeling pain, I hate myself for feeling hunger, I hate myself for existing... so much hatred for myself. I just want to disappear.

    For the past 4 years I haven’t killed myself because I have a son, he was my reason to not die. He needed me. Over the past month I’ve been bedridden with covid-19. And during that time my 4 year old had his dad looking out for him, I slept and tried to get better. As I tried to engage with my son after I finally started to get well. He was defiant, calling me daddy not mommy. Saying no constantly and whining instead of talking. It became overwhelming. So I’d find my way back to my bedroom and hide under the covers and either weep or sleep. After a while I didn’t feel sick anymore from covid19. But depression swept me under its dark wave fully. Cold and heavy and powerful, it pulled me down with its gravity. Here I sit.

    My son just had his 4th birthday this week. I feel as though he doesn’t need me at all. His dad took care of him while I was sick. I can’t even do basic stuff in the morning like shower or dress myself, let alone care for my child. I’m grateful I have my husband to care for my son. I feel like a burden, eating when my husband brings me food, but otherwise remaining in bed. I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with killing myself, but the want to disappear and make the pain stop is only growing. I’m afraid of pain, but death is becoming more and more attractive.

    I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of being lonely even beside my spouse, feeling ugly and heavy and unable to change, feeling lost and misunderstood, having a child who has forgotten who I am and only defies me. I wouldn’t have to wake up and sigh and be disappointed that I woke up.

    I don’t know why I’m putting all this here.
    Maybe for some compassion?
    Maybe for a suggestion that doesn’t involve killing myself?

    I feel cemented in this unhappy life. I feel heavy and cold and numb. I don’t know if I can stop it, but I want out.


  • Banned

    Hi dear how are you
    I am very sorry for what is happening with you, I am really sad to hear what you said, and I hope for a speedy recovery and to be in the best condition and stay with your husband and son, and live the most beautiful life you want and I am sure that you are able to pass this stage, just you have to show Be patient and be more powerful, and I can help you with anything you want. Follow me, and if you need anything, remember that I am, I like to be everyone's best friend. And I see that you are a wonderful girl and a nice wife and, God willing, you will return to your normal life and you must be patient and never lose hope, my regards to you my dear

  • @aGirlHasNoName well.you certainly have no problem with expressing yourself. You describe your circumstances very eloquently. It sounds like you could really use antidepressants to stabilise your mood. Are you telling your husband how dark your feelings are? I think it would help if you did. Children can be fickle but that doesn't mean your son doesn't need you, of course he does. There isn't a quick fix for depression. I would recommend setting yourself small tasks each day, write a letter one day, mail it the next etc, it's a strategy I've used myself and it snowballs until you are active and productive again. Best wishes and good luck to you

  • @aGirlHasNoName I have Depression too maybe we can Talk about it and relate problems

  • @aGirlHasNoName it's so.. trouble for you

  • Hi, I get it...I dont know what youve been through but ive been through a lot of shit ...death rejection abuse etc etc....and i drink every night now AGAIN after being so good and losing 200 lbs. ...my bf rejected me..and then i lost a part of myself again after that...what made you lose yourself? there is usually something that makes you lose who you are...figure that out,,,you can talk to me if you want to...i am here

  • @aGirlHasNoName greeting happy being,
    U r survivor and very strong mentally, and I respsect for that from my whole heart and mind. 21salutes for you that you didn't kill yourself.
    Past is gone what ever happened do not matter what you been through in past good or bad , because of your past experience you are what you are now.a strong women with survival instinct.
    If a being has Birth death is fixed and certain we have to accept it do not matter all have to die one day universal truth it is, that do not stop living life happy ..
    Regretting about past thinking about it and to fix the problem from past will mess you up more..
    You are energy and you carry this human form and only body die, energy nor be created or destroyed it is as it is.
    Think things which make you happy and positive and live with it having no fear or attachments, y just having Conscious to make you feel happy by not hurting your surroundings till you die.
    Family , your husband love you from his heart but if you die he won't kill himself because you died.
    K u had sex and had fun wonderful moments and something to remember in memories, u didnt had sex thinking your boy would come.
    He choose the human form as you did he is energy and he's suppose to come do not matter with you or without he is lucky he found amazing universal gift as patents like you and your husband with lovley house and dog and fish. He is blessed by universe he will be protected far future..
    All the Energies of the all iniberses bless you and guide you what you seek most .
    Sorry do not get me wrong please forgive of I hurt you in my words may be some sense ( non sense or sense )

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