Passive aggressive husband of 29 years/Need help

  • Hello all,

    Merry Christmas!

    I could really use some support with this one.

    My husband and I have always shared the tradition of giving each other gifts at Christmas. This year he surprises me by not giving me anything after I wrapped his presents and asked him to come into the room to get them.

    He then explains that he bought new kitchen appliances for me and this is why he had nothing for me for Christmas. He never explained this two months ago when the appliances were purchased. Nor did he mention that he didn't want to exchange gifts this year.

    I have been doing so much for him. I feel that he has completely ruined our Christmas.

    I don't want to bother anybody with this today since it's Christmas so I found this chat here and I'm hoping somebody can give me their thoughts.

    He revealed to me that he wanted credit for paying for the appliances.

    I should add that I have been on the phone for hours with the store that we purchased the appliances from since we were having so many problems with our order. I've been on the phone also with the manufacturer of the appliances. I have managed to get us a number of discounts do to my hard work.

    Basically, to have him break this tradition of gift-giving is very hard for me. I'm not a materialistic person. It's just about the gesture. It's about saying " you matter to me". For him to strike out in a passive aggressive way on Christmas is extremely painful to deal with.

    By the way, we had agreed earlier that we would wait to exchange gifts. At that point I took the wrapped packages back. But since then I feel that I just want to return the items and nevermind exchanging anything. I later told him that I don't want you do any gifts with him this year. So that will be the first time in 29 years of marriage.

    He has demonstrated passive aggressive behavior previously. And it's never easy to deal with. We've dealt with a lot of loss over the last year, and now this.

    Considering a divorce at this point. There is a lot of history to this relationship. His behaviors have done a lot of damage to my trust. I could go on but will end here. Thank you in advance for any and all replies, providing they are supportive.

  • Hi Lisa
    Well first of all merry Christmas to you. I must agree with the other people on here
    That by no stretch of the imagination can kitchen appliances be considered a Christmas present. Have you had an honest discussion to see if there is any other cause for this does appear to be odd behaviour
    Good luck

  • I should add that he had never said he was buying the appliances for me, and that we both use the appliances, and that I spent an entire day researching prior to the purchase of the appliances, and that I had run it by him and terms of the cost before placing the order. I looked for the very best price I could find.

    in addition to all of this oh, he has said he wanted a new kitchen for the last couple of years. I never complained about the kitchen. Our appliances had gotten old and weren't working very well. It was time for a change anyway. Just wanted to clarify a little bit more. Thanks!

  • @Lisa2345 Hi Lisa. Merry Christmas. I'm glad you found us here, although I'm sorry to learn of what you have been going through.

    Thank you for the extra clarification too, though it really was not needed. Kitchen appliances (in a shared home) are NOT a present of any sort. Furthermore even if your husband had got you something different (and more personal, for you) earlier in the year, it would only be appropriate for them to be a gift if that was made clear it was your early present at the time.

    To seek support from people you don't know shows how bad you must feel about all of this, and I can tell how much more there is which you have not shared. Reaching out is a sign of your strength though; it indicates you know certain behaviour is wrong and are not willing to accept it. Kudos to you for taking the first step in looking for support. Sometimes that is all you need.

  • @Lisa2345 hey Lisa you have every right to feel disappointed, let down, upset, hurt and even betrayed. I can't imagine how shit you must be feeling. House stuff months ago is not a Christmas gift, they are nescessities for life, are shared by both of you, used by both of you. You really don't need to explain yourself but in doing so you have shown that you contribute greatly to the relationship equally if not more so than he. I completely understand your dismay, you must be absolutely bewildered and furious. You also hint at other behaviour, reading between the lines, controlling? Bullying? It sounds like you have endured much worse stuff than not receiving a gift and that this has just been a catalyst that has brought things to a head? If your relationship is abusive, which i suspect, you should not stand for any more of it. I understand you coming here rather than speaking to those you know, easier telling your troubles to a stranger and for sure you will find support and empathy here. But maybe you ought to talk to your friends and family, you will perhaps get more tangible support there, something more helpful than just words on a screen, a way out perhaps? Sounds to me like you may be covering up abusive behaviour to protect him/ his reputation? I have been in that place. It doesn't make things better, unless I'm miles wide of the mark it sounds like you need to get out of something toxic. Don't be afraid, tell the people who can help you get yourself free. Best wishes to you, and all strength. And if you want to talk we are here, you will find friends. Sorry for writing a book but you struck a chord close to me

  • Soul Searchers

    In live view appliances that you can both use are not gifts at least not in the meaning of a Christmas gift. however if it was something that you've specifically had been asking for that would be different.
    I guess people give gifts for different reasons however I believe that when you give a gift you're giving it because you want to give it regardless whether you get one in return or not. I know that is how I would feel although I also understand after such a long time not getting a gift would be very confusing and somewhat hurtful.

    If you do decide on divorce however look me up I'm single.

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