@OliveOlivia said in Olivia's Thoughts #03:
Goodnight, Morning, Afternoon, or whatever you prefer as a greeting.
The personal thoughts I want to let out today kind of have to do with me wanting to be better, in the way that is partially the reason why I want to be a better person.
I don't have a perfect life, of course I don't think anyone does, but I also have nothing to complain about. This is a good thing, I know, but it also feels very wrong.
You see, I live in a wonderful two story house, my mom is the primary parent in my life but she goes above and beyond to make sure my needs are met and that I'm happy. My family has struggled with financial problems before, but not for a couple of years now. So I live in a beautiful house, with a mom that I would think only existed in cartoons, the cutest dog in the world, I don't see my siblings often but I can say that they are probably the coolest, best people I've ever interacted with, I've been getting a good education -I am currently on summer break but I will return to my studies in the fall-, there is nothing physical that I want or need because I am blessed with people that will give me anything I ask for. I know that everything isn't perfect, but everything around me and my life is as perfect as can be. My family isn't filthy rich, I dont own any awesome expensive sports car, I know there are others with way more than me, but those are physical things. I am talking about people in my life and energy around me is so great that I can honestly say no amount of money could be as good as a life like this.
So whats the problem here?
I don't know what I did do deserve this life. I feel so undeserving. I haven't intentionally hurt anyone and I wouldn't consider myself a bad person, but I don't think I'm good enough for the life I was given either.
I dont know how I feel about God, but if he exists, I cant help but constantly question why he blessed me with more than enough while there are innocent children starving, there are people getting abused, and parents that have to work multiple shifts just to provide for their family. If there are people that are more deserving than me, why was I given such a good life? I dont know what to do with it.
I've been trying to be a better me not only because I care for myself and those around me, but because I want my wonderful life to be something that I earned, something that I deserve. It kills me to know that I have done absolutely nothing to get to the place that I am at meanwhile others are constantly at work to get a decent living.
I feel undeserving of my life and I wish I could ask life itself why I was given this, and why others are given so little. I know life is unfair, but never in a million years did I think an unfair life could be this good to me. I don't mean to flaunt the things I have, and I dont want to come off as complaining, but I cant help but feel this wont last forever. I dont think I deserve the things I have, but I am worried that in a blink of an eye it will all go away because so.
This is particularly funny to me because now you are young and you have only one real concern, which is getting an education. So now you can afford to spend time thinking about all this "oh the poor starving children across the world" feelgood nonsense, but you're right, this won't last forever. Soon enough you will reach adulthood and will be faced with your own problems be they financial or any other kind and I am willing to bet that will change you to such a degree that you won't spend as much, if any time thinking about such things. Who knows, maybe you'll even learn to step on other people's heads to get what you want in life like the rest of us.
But then again, maybe not.
Edit
I just now noticed what @Lurker said. You're 20 years old ?
You're doing your 20's wrong, just go out and make stupid mistakes, now's the time, quit feeling sorry for the state of the world or guilty about your current circumstances.