This is Nell - I trained her to do the anti-surveillance blurry-face technique from 'Four Lions'.

And in this pic, it may look like an 'action' shot, but she's actually managed to freeze time. I'm that good at training "NELL, FREEZE IN MID-AIR":

Say nothing, just spend the 30 secs staring into the World's eyes with the full weight of your existential soul, to make it go insane.

@PetrAPark3r I am ALASS unable to caricature the 'stronger sex', because ...they're just too complicated. It'd be like John Carpenter's The Thing always getting tripped up somehow, be it through a blood test or just having the earring in the wrong ear-hole. No one has ever come close to exposing the secret that females carry within. For sure it's some kind of aloofness or exclusivity, but what's the exact secret? WHAT'S THE EXACT SECRET?

Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because a bloke in the next county is listening to a very rare 'Killers' CD and she wants to go and have a listen. Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because she wants to get a very rare ice cream, but the ice cream van is 40 miles away. Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because she's been called up to fight in a war with Iran / North Korea / Russia.

Now, some sicko terrorists say you've got to write a word on the baby's forehead in NON-TOXIC WHITEBOARD marker pen. What would it be?

www.95percentsexy5percentnonsexyobliviontalk.com

You're right. Hyprocrisy is where it's at. I still aim to be a working class industry man, ala my dad, both grandads, etc ...and yet most of my work nowadays involves typing crap into a computer <-- is that the right emoji for nerd?

1. Visit the past and future simultaneously so that both appear as ghostly images that overlap each other, and the overlappy past-future person who most resembles local news reader Kylie Pentelow will become my Queen in the J-Dimension.
2. Becoming a living shadow.
3. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Cate Blanchett action figures.
4. "Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm the Turin Shroud". Doctor: "You are, but that's not Jesus, it's Billy Connolly".
5. Any character in an LBC / Talk Radio / Absolute network radio advert, because so little is expected of you, and you can just say whatever random thing you like.
6. All human endeavor.
7. Money. Money is overrated. That thing that's worth £200,000? It's actually worth about £50,000. £7000? £1000. Etc. You imagine the God of Money must be wise, and super-intelligent, but he's probably more like Idi Amin in a huge rasta hat.
8. TWS is a website saved in my search bar and occasionally I poke it with a stick like a monster-faced child standing over washed-up jellyfish.

I have a little angel on my left shoulder telling me to good stuff.
And a little devil on my right shoulder telling me to do bad stuff.
But mainly I just think, 'What would Stalin do?'

Will do, Lohan.

What is the best way to get a new soul if your old one is knackered or broken?

THERE IS NAY MULTIPLE CHOICE. USE YR OWN IMAGINATION TO THINK OF POSSIBILITIES OMG PLS.

@Cold-Sun make him hold bag of pork scratchings?

If you rub the dendrites of your brains in a stream of supercharged quantum pith, FICTION BECOME REALITY.

@AllAboutGay Give him Bladerunner gay / straight interrogation innit

@kaia_ I love it when a plan comes together.

Would you use your firstborn as bait if it meant definitely catching Nessie?

Fellow Brit Ish always go on about Life of Brian as being the funniest film. I always keep my own counsel and think, "No. Freddy Got Fingered. OBVIOUSLY".

@Cold-Sun Mam got home. Livid at mess. DEAL WITH IT
WAMON.

What. What are the best tactics to use in a fight with Nick-Nack? EH?

Whateverz

@Rompipalle Mother lived in a cupboard. But all of life is a cupboard?