This is Nell - I trained her to do the anti-surveillance blurry-face technique from 'Four Lions'.

And in this pic, it may look like an 'action' shot, but she's actually managed to freeze time. I'm that good at training "NELL, FREEZE IN MID-AIR":

Say nothing, just spend the 30 secs staring into the World's eyes with the full weight of your existential soul, to make it go insane.

Have. Have you ever licked a painting in an art gallery?

@PetrAPark3r I am ALASS unable to caricature the 'stronger sex', because ...they're just too complicated. It'd be like John Carpenter's The Thing always getting tripped up somehow, be it through a blood test or just having the earring in the wrong ear-hole. No one has ever come close to exposing the secret that females carry within. For sure it's some kind of aloofness or exclusivity, but what's the exact secret? WHAT'S THE EXACT SECRET?

Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because a bloke in the next county is listening to a very rare 'Killers' CD and she wants to go and have a listen. Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because she wants to get a very rare ice cream, but the ice cream van is 40 miles away. Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because she's been called up to fight in a war with Iran / North Korea / Russia.

Now, some sicko terrorists say you've got to write a word on the baby's forehead in NON-TOXIC WHITEBOARD marker pen. What would it be?

www.95percentsexy5percentnonsexyobliviontalk.com

You're right. Hyprocrisy is where it's at. I still aim to be a working class industry man, ala my dad, both grandads, etc ...and yet most of my work nowadays involves typing crap into a computer <-- is that the right emoji for nerd?

1. Visit the past and future simultaneously so that both appear as ghostly images that overlap each other, and the overlappy past-future person who most resembles local news reader Kylie Pentelow will become my Queen in the J-Dimension.
2. Becoming a living shadow.
3. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Cate Blanchett action figures.
4. "Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm the Turin Shroud". Doctor: "You are, but that's not Jesus, it's Billy Connolly".
5. Any character in an LBC / Talk Radio / Absolute network radio advert, because so little is expected of you, and you can just say whatever random thing you like.
6. All human endeavor.
7. Money. Money is overrated. That thing that's worth £200,000? It's actually worth about £50,000. £7000? £1000. Etc. You imagine the God of Money must be wise, and super-intelligent, but he's probably more like Idi Amin in a huge rasta hat.
8. TWS is a website saved in my search bar and occasionally I poke it with a stick like a monster-faced child standing over washed-up jellyfish.

I have a little angel on my left shoulder telling me to good stuff.
And a little devil on my right shoulder telling me to do bad stuff.
But mainly I just think, 'What would Stalin do?'

Will do, Lohan.

@allaboutgay Sean Connery would be torn apart

@jean-jeunet I am stupid English, Sir

@cake-0 First you've got to apply for a poll-taking licence at gov.uk, and they do a background check - this takes about 6 weeks. Stamp duty is £65.

@allaboutgay I'd love to see Thomas Tank Engine but with Peter Tatchell's face.

Would. Would you eat Jools Holland's brain, if it meant you could play boogie woogie piano?

@allaboutgay It would be like, 'ooo, hello, sailor!' LITERALLY

Would. Would you ever let your face be used as the light in a lighthouse?