This is Nell - I trained her to do the anti-surveillance blurry-face technique from 'Four Lions'.

And in this pic, it may look like an 'action' shot, but she's actually managed to freeze time. I'm that good at training "NELL, FREEZE IN MID-AIR":

Say nothing, just spend the 30 secs staring into the World's eyes with the full weight of your existential soul, to make it go insane.

www.95percentsexy5percentnonsexyobliviontalk.com

Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because a bloke in the next county is listening to a very rare 'Killers' CD and she wants to go and have a listen. Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because she wants to get a very rare ice cream, but the ice cream van is 40 miles away. Your best mate asks you to look after her baby because she's been called up to fight in a war with Iran / North Korea / Russia.

Now, some sicko terrorists say you've got to write a word on the baby's forehead in NON-TOXIC WHITEBOARD marker pen. What would it be?

@PetrAPark3r I am ALASS unable to caricature the 'stronger sex', because ...they're just too complicated. It'd be like John Carpenter's The Thing always getting tripped up somehow, be it through a blood test or just having the earring in the wrong ear-hole. No one has ever come close to exposing the secret that females carry within. For sure it's some kind of aloofness or exclusivity, but what's the exact secret? WHAT'S THE EXACT SECRET?

You're right. Hyprocrisy is where it's at. I still aim to be a working class industry man, ala my dad, both grandads, etc ...and yet most of my work nowadays involves typing crap into a computer <-- is that the right emoji for nerd?

1. Visit the past and future simultaneously so that both appear as ghostly images that overlap each other, and the overlappy past-future person who most resembles local news reader Kylie Pentelow will become my Queen in the J-Dimension.
2. Becoming a living shadow.
3. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Cate Blanchett action figures.
4. "Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm the Turin Shroud". Doctor: "You are, but that's not Jesus, it's Billy Connolly".
5. Any character in an LBC / Talk Radio / Absolute network radio advert, because so little is expected of you, and you can just say whatever random thing you like.
6. All human endeavor.
7. Money. Money is overrated. That thing that's worth £200,000? It's actually worth about £50,000. £7000? £1000. Etc. You imagine the God of Money must be wise, and super-intelligent, but he's probably more like Idi Amin in a huge rasta hat.
8. TWS is a website saved in my search bar and occasionally I poke it with a stick like a monster-faced child standing over washed-up jellyfish.

I have a little angel on my left shoulder telling me to good stuff.
And a little devil on my right shoulder telling me to do bad stuff.
But mainly I just think, 'What would Stalin do?'

Will do, Lohan.

What is the best way to get a new soul if your old one is knackered or broken?

THERE IS NAY MULTIPLE CHOICE. USE YR OWN IMAGINATION TO THINK OF POSSIBILITIES OMG PLS.

@Don-Ragada Everybody Loves Raymond. I frikkin love that show.

I axed a mush to buy a Big Issue. He made me eat the whole bundle.

@sup Auction on ebay. Send in plastic bag so damage occurs. Accept meme award from God.

@Nejo Catchphase ℗ See u in court m8.

I dunno, right? On one hand, u got Pixellated Paula she be like an actress in a David Lynch film, but then you've got the PAY ATTENTION TO THE ACTOR'S GUMS thots, who should be snipered. And the Step One Get Some lads are like living memes, but meme-addiction kills. I dunno. Plz advise.

@Lazz Are you sure he's not staking you out?

Where. What is the ? What celebrities live nearby to where you live?
Maybe someone reading this will be living in LA and have MASSEEV BRAGGING RIGHTS. But also, points for obscure celebs or ppl who've had bit parts on sh1t TV shows.
WHAT CELEBS LIVE NEARBY WHERE U AT SUN?

Here's my situation:
Prince Charles / Camilla - 3 miles away.
Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull - 6 miles away.
Hugh Cornwell of The Stranglers - 13 miles away.