• thanos meme.jpg
    Spoiler alert, by the way.

    So, there's a new Hollywood blockbuster film out called 'Avengers Endgame'. I really enjoyed it. There's close-quarters fighting, and laughs, and moments of PORTENTOUS DRAMA --in other words, all the things that are DEFICIENT in the real world.

    But now, in the style of a passive-aggressive internet gobshyne, I will list my top ten grievances.

    Ten) The title -- it's not actually a game, is it? The stakes are HIGH and both the goodies and the baddies are taking it deadly seriously.

    Nine) I'm kinda intimidated by Captain Marvel. I don't know why. In the Captain Marvel solo film, it was implied by the Jude Law character that she could never be a good warrior because she was too emotional, but then, in the end, it didn't matter if she was emotional, because she still defeated him. Was this a conscious statement by the filmmakers about the female personality? In my experience, women aren't necessarily more emotional, they're just generally more unknowable and hard-to-figure, and that's a good thing. And when she squared up to Thor, that implied she had an attitude, too. So, what, she's got an attitude and she's emotional? I want to see a strong female lead that's more nuanced. I mean, I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it when Tilda Swinton's Dr Strange character returned. That's my kind of woman.

    Eight) I was annoyed that Howard Stark wasn't played by Dominic Cooper (he of 'Preacher'), like he is in the Agent Carter TV show. That guy is such a good actor. I've got a £5 bet on at a well-known high street bookmaker at 1000 / 1 that he'll be the next James Bond. It COULD happen.

    Seven) Time-travel. I hate the use of time travel as a plot device. I mean, could I have written a script that tied the whole thing up without it? Yeah, not to blow my own trumpet, but yeah. It's long been accepted that using the word 'quantum' gives a writer leeway to explain any kind of sci-fi McGuffin he or she likes. And there's nothing wrong with that, because quantum physics is nuts in real life, too. But if that's the case, why use 'The Quantum Realm' to do something as cliched as time-travel? Why not use it to go full-on freakout ala Donnie Darko, The Fountain, Andrei Tarkovsky's Stalker. Eh?

    Six) Token deaths. They were just abrupt, weren't they? Look, if I want to see the unexpected deaths of main characters in an ensemble drama, I'll watch Atone Fuqua's super-messy Magnificent Seven remake. I'll watch the Eagle Has Landed, or The Great Escape. The Marvel films have traditionally have been easy-going summer fun. I don't want to see anyone suddenly die. If Robert Downey and Scarlet Johansson don't want to be in the films any more? Fine. Just end the Avengers franchise here. Unless, Marvel Studios, via Disney, you're actually chasing that cash-cow, law-of-diminishing returns money pot, the way you're running Star Wars into the ground?

    Five) The all-female advancing army during the final battle. Really? In all that chaos, the ladies have time to find each other, just to make a sexual-political statement? At least put Independent Woman by Beyonce on the soundtrack so it's spelled out for people who aren't woke enough.

    Four) Still on that subject, I don't buy Valkyrie as the new ruler of Asgard. She's a cool character, and I like that actress, but nah. Why not a reformed Loki? That would be cool.

    Three) When Cap makes his own way back to the time travel rendezvous spot at the end of the film --why does Hollywood always use those beige, nylon jackets to denote old men? The same thing happened in Saving Private Ryan. When I'm an old man, I'm just going to wear exactly the same stuff I'm wearing now. SORRY IF THAT MAKES MY PERSONALITY TOO COMPLICATED.

    Two) I didn't like 'Future' Cap fighting 'Past' Cap, and Future Cap laughing at Cap's ass. He's only got a weird-looking jacksy. You're both wearing what a lot of people think are symbols of imperialist aggression, and war, and no NHS, so probably don't throw stones, yeah?

    One) Here's my biggest objection. Thanos sits down, defeated.

    No speech. No 'History vindicate me'. One of the great things about Thanos as a character was that he wasn't just doing the 50% thing just for a laugh, or his own selfish needs, or through a neurotic compulsion. He had a solid rationale viz-a-viz dwindling resources and overpopulation. Prior to that, with his decision to just destroy everything -- his thinking seems like a pouty, cosmic Anders Brievik. Uncool. That's not the Thanos we saw in Infinity War.

    Y'know what I say? Come Galactus, Come