• ...whatever darkness there is that lurks in my mind; whatever the chemical misfirings in my brain, it has led me to troublesome things. I have a propensity for addictions. I have been a compulsive gambler, and lost. I have been addicted to street drugs which has led me into precarious situations. I have been a chronic alcololic and had to go to a rehab clinic, which was for reasons of mental ill health too and probably saved my life. Not the worst ever, but we are talking a box of beer and a bottle of whisky a day at one point. That was June last year. I didn't drink alcohol for 3 months, then slipped up. Then managed a few more months, but slipped up again. I have now been dry for 5 months, except for one disastrous evening that led me to being robbed. I seem to have ended up with a kind of relationship addiction, and none of them have turned out well - perhaps it's an addiction to heartache! I have just finished a years vow of celibacy (with just the one slip up). Currently I don't work (I'm not really able to right now - that's not a copout). I took a massive overdose of lithium, and several other drugs back in July. Ended up in hospital for a week. Have no memory of the days leading up to it. The hospital records weren't complete and all I know is that someone found me somewhere and called the emergency services. All I have to go by is a suicide note that was found on my person. I had renal failure and on dialysis and a ventilator for three days, and was heavily sedated so don't remember that. Apparently I was trying to rip the canulas out of my veins and arteries and pull out the tube down my throat. Whenever I start something I am so absorbed that nothing else matters, but then it either leads to disater or I give up and crash. Has anyone else experienced similar?


  • You talk about many things using past tense .. "I was a compulsive gambler and I lost" .. talking about it in the past means that you have won or maybe you live in the fear of making the same mistakes again, of remaining a slave to your addictions. Is it perhaps a form of emotional deficiency, I wonder? Do you become addicted because you need ties?. Forgive me, it is just a reasoning, stupid, I don't know your steps, your demons and your battles. I reopen this site after a long absence and have noticed that you are good at writing and almost inspired. If you can there is a poet whose story I would like you to look for .. she is famous, good, but she has spent a long time in the mental health Institute. Her name is Alda Merini
    I really hope you can find peace and everything your heart is craving for :)


  • @Shardana Hey Shardana,

    Thank you so much for your reply and your kind words.

    Please don't apologise, I think you're absolutely right. My emotions do seem to underpin much of how my life plays out; emotional instability, or dysregulation, or whatever term anyone wants to use certainly has a formidable power over me - my battle is to try to not let it be so extreme. It does lead to good things too though. I have probably sounded negative, but just haven't got round to the other stuff yet. I think there is a general sense of unfulfillment that follows me around which possibly does draw me towards obsessive and sometimes unhealthy behaviours, that can lead to addiction. I speak in past tense simply because I haven't done the things I mentioned for a while, even if only months. Some people I have met who have been in 12 step groups refer to the things in present tense, e.g. "I am an alcoholic in recovery", etc. I am not knocking it at all as those programmes are highly effective, but I just tend to say that I used to be or do x instead, even if I have only stopped the activity recently. Not sure there's a particular or intentional reason as to why. I do have worries over whether I will have the same compulsions and obsessions again - recurrence of things is quite a common thing almost no matter what I try - or even brand new ones. I do still get a lot of cravings. It's tricky to get out many places without being confronted with alcohol; there are adverts for all kinds of unhealthy things like gambling that are difficult to avoid completely; and it's difficult to even be out and about even around where I live without things triggering me. It is a daily battle, and has lead me to a fairly reclusive condition.

    Thank you for the poetry recommendation I shall find and read some. Hope you are well...?


  • @AdSi Hello :)
    I have read carefully what you have written. Honestly, many answers to your addictions, obsessions are already inside you and in your words. Have you ever wondered who you want to be? I'm not talking about psychology, it's not my field and I don't have the necessary skills. Forgive me I just try to learn and improve myself and why not, if I can be useful .. to be there for real.
    We all have demons with whom we fight on a daily basis, getting up in the morning is a challenge, whenever you do you have decided to fight. Addictions probably reveal a lack of something, they are an escape valve .. once you have clarified within yourself, I mean inner cleansing, who knows maybe things will improve.
    Personally I don't know anyone with the same story as you and I don't want to make up stories. I have respect for everyone, but Alda Merini is a fixed point, maybe you will find in her the answers you are looking for or new questions, or both ... but go on. If you talk about it it is because you are stronger, unconsciously you know it, by writing you show it. Stay safe
    Yes, thank you, I'm fine.