Freedom writers - writing, one story together "A strange journey" Chapter 4 - The Space Between Us

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    It was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. I intertwined my fingers into his and rested my head on his shoulder. I took in all the splendor of this moment and gazed down at the water. A smile spread across my face as I saw both our reflections ripple back and forth with the moving tide. Suddenly, I noticed a third head emerge between ours.

    “There’s someone behind us,” I shouted.
    “Where?” asked my boyfriend urgently.
    I instinctively threw my elbow back and connected hard with whatever was to our rear.
    “Ow! What the hell-" said a voice from behind.

    My eyes widened as I noticed it was a mutual friend of ours. I had forgotten my boyfriend asked if he could join us at the beach today. However, I didn’t feel bad hitting him. What the hell was he thinking sneaking up on us?

    “Sorry,” I said anyways, “but you really shouldn’t have surprised us like that.”
    Our friend rubbed his head nervously. “Yeah, I guess I had that one coming,” he said. “I didn’t interrupt anything, did I?” he gave an obvious wink to my boyfriend.
    My boyfriend smiled and I gave him a sharp glare. He replaced his grin with a more serious expression and stood up to punch his friend in the shoulder.
    “Yeah, what the hell was that all about, surprising us like that?” asked my boyfriend.
    “Alright, alright,” said our friend as he put his hands up in a mock surrender. “Look, I’m starving, how about we get a bite to eat?”
    My stomach growled as soon as he mentioned food.
    “Sounds like a great idea,” said my boyfriend as he helped me up.
    We started to walk back to the boardwalk when I noticed my boyfriend stop with his friend.
    “You go on ahead,” said our friend. “I need to speak to your boyfriend in private for a moment. We will catch up with you.”

    I nodded my head suspiciously and walked a little further ahead. Something just didn’t seem right to me. I turned back and saw what looked like my boyfriend shouting at his friend; they kept pointing at the strange ocular shape in the distance.

    I glanced back at the crimson ocean. The sun was just beginning to make its slow retreat to the distant horizon. To my surprise, the ocular shape had not moved with the sun. It hung precariously in the same place as when we first noticed it. For some reason, I felt drawn to it.
    I slowly walked back towards the ocean; the shape strangely got larger as I drew closer.

    “Hey,” I heard my boyfriend shout. I ignored him and continued forward.
    “Don’t go near there,” his friend shouted. I turned and saw them running towards me. I hastened my pace to the ocular shape. It was now the size of a softball. My heart was racing, I needed to get closer; I had to know what it was. I ran and water splashed all around me. I fought the current and then came to a sudden stop; my heart felt like it was in my throat. The shape was no longer in the distance. It was right in front of me, suspended in mid air. Up close it looked like a hole that led to another world.

    I put my ear up to the hole and heard voices. I couldn’t make out what they were saying but I could tell they were shouting. I slowly raised my hand to the hole.
    “No!” my boyfriend and his friend screamed.

    I hesitated for a moment then thrust my hand into the hole. It felt cold inside and I noticed cracks appear around the opening. The cracks grew and suddenly the whole world around me was beginning to shatter like glass.
    “Sedatives,” yelled my boyfriend. “We need sedatives now!” he shouted.
    What happened next was a blur. My boyfriend tackled me to the ground; the seawater was gone. I only had a moment to look around. We were no longer at the beach; we were in a dark room with dozens of people in white lab coats.

    “What is going on?” I screamed. I tried to move but I was pinned to the ground by my boyfriend and his friend. One person in a lab coat quickly walked up to me and shoved a needle in my neck. I screamed but then my world went black and I quickly fell into a slumber.

    When I finally woke up, I realized I was strapped to a bed. I was in a room of some kind. I looked to my right and saw my boyfriend. A tear rolled down his cheek.
    “I’m so sorry,” he said.
    “Why would you do this to me?” I asked.
    He walked over to a large window on my left and pressed a button. The shades slowly rose with a hiss and displayed an endless expanse of deep space.
    My boyfriend, if that’s what he really is, must have read my expression.
    “I will explain it to you later,” was all he said.

    Go to Chapter 5

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  • Veteran Mods One Woman Army

    Great! :D

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  • Veteran Mods One Woman Army

    @evan-elderson IKNOW IKNOW IKNOW

  • Freedom Writers

    @evan-elderson This twist is PERFECT! I really really really liked it :thumbs_up_light_skin_tone:

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  • @evan-elderson said in Freedom writers - writing, one story together "A strange journey" Chapter 4 - The Space Between Us:

    @fearlesswoman said in Freedom writers - writing, one story together "A strange journey" Chapter 4 - The Space Between Us:

    @evan-elderson This twist is PERFECT! I really really really liked it :thumbs_up_light_skin_tone:

    Thank you so much 😊. I love spinning stories in different directions. We used to do this as kids (technology was a lot different when I was younger).

    Indeed ,very good writing .

    as for twists ...
    i once saw South Park creators say that during their writing they always pay attention to twists .

    Their stories must always contain But
    ex- X hapens but Y occurs ...

    if they go more than 2 events without a but occurring. They erase that & rework that part.

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  • Freedom Writers

    @evan-elderson I love starting out stories extremely vague, and having it start to pay as it goes on, and it's best if everything isn't fully explained, just things happen.

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