I just wanted to express how I've been feeling recently part 2
2 days ago on Friday
I told a girl which i had a crush on that i liked her. That was such an emotional rollercoaster of a day. This girl is CONFUSING, so let's see the context if all this, her friends told me that she liked me, They always make jokes and say that we should be together, but i once gave her a philosophical essay in the form of a flower and she didn't say shit, This might mean that she was too shy to tell me anything or that she didn't care but most likely a mix of both.
The letter(shitty photos taken by my sis without my permission which have come in handy now that I'm reciting this story):
What was written in it (French):
"Tu m'as dit que tu "connais tes capacités" donc tu connais les choses que tu ne peux jamais faire, comme devenir astrophysicien par exemple. Je suis d'accord qu'il faut savoir ses capacités physiques et mentales mais je sais aussi que tu es capitale de faire beaucoup plus que tu imagine. Il faut pas te limiter, tu es intelligente. investit 2h(1h ey 45 min) de ta vie dans la lecture du livre dont je viens de te parler pour la 10ème fois et tu comprendras ce que je te raconte. Presque toutes les grandes personnes de l'histoire pensaient dans une façon similaires. C'est à cause de leur façon de penser qu'ils sont devenus des grandes personnes et pour apprendre cette façon de penser et comment le simuler, commence à lire le livre. Mon philosophe préféré a dit que nous n'avons pas trop peu de temps, mais nous en perdons beaucoup. La vie est assez longue ; elle suffirait, et au delà, à l'accomplissement des plus grandes entreprises, si tous les moments en étaient bien employés. Mais quand elle s'est écoulée dans les plaisirs et dans l'indolence, sans que rien d'utile en ait marqué l'emploi, le dernier, l'inévitable moment vient enfin nous presser : et cette vie que nous n'avions pas vue marcher, nous sentons qu'elle, est passée. Voilà la vérité : nous n'avons point reçu une vie courte, c'est nous qui l'avons rendue telle : nous ne sommes pas indigents, mais prodigues. J'espère que je pourrai suivre ces mots dans la future mais dans l'instant j'ai beaucoup d'habitudes mortelles. Il faut vivre sa vie correctement, lire des livres de philosophie est de devenir plus sage et de résumer les expériences non scientifiques des morts dans nos têtes pour les conserver. Je ne te dis pas de lire que cette livre mais de créer une habitude de lecture philosophique, PNL(programmation neuro-linguistique/autosuggestion) et en général des œuvres non romanesques.
-LUCIFER Beelzebub Satan"
Before i talk about how i told her that i liked her on Friday let me give you a summery of the circumstances surrounding that day... I got my pencil case stollen on the day where for the 1st time i kept in it a flashdrive along with a 50€+ piece which connects the flashdrive to my phone, and i had music on the flashdrive for an acrobatics play me and my friends had to prepare for sports class (90% of the work was done by me lolz). So when i arrived at school, that morning, and 2 girls told me that my backpack was open I gave my backpack and sports bag to school workers that open the door and welcome students in, i preceded to miss my 1st class running trying to find the pencil case, didn't find it, and whilst looking for it i traced my steps back home where my dad gave me 3 pens, I came back to school and after getting my things back at the schools aid room where you ask questions n' shit, I grabbed one of the pens and stabbed my hand 3 times so hard that it left 3 dents in my hand which started pouring out blood. I'm never gonna forget the horrified facial expressions when a kid saw me doing that with absolutely ZERO facial expressions of pain or discomfort on my face lols.
later on in the day i tried to cover them up with satanic drawings, which in my opinion looked cool and which might have made me look less shy whenth covering my face with my hands from shyness around the girl. You know because Satanists are hard?!? I still have left overs of that drawing and scars on my hand. Here's a pic that i took whilst telling all this to a friend yesterday about 24h from the initial infliction of the wound when about 50% of it was gone and heald:
Believe me that when using a pen you have to stab your hand REALLY hard to get it to bleed. Stabbing yourself is stupid. But it was because of frustration. It is better than cutting myself or banging my head on the wall. Well after loosing the bag and then the pencil case i was frustrated to the point where i did that, atleast it was a reasonable method of self harm, one that doesn't do much damage, the scars are already 70% gone. No big deal. If you want you should comment on the drawing not the stabbing, because it is annoying when people talk about shit like that and say "I'm worried about you" or "that's stupid", It is annoying so don't do it OK? It is my body and I'll do whatever stabbing, cutting, burning, hanging i feel necessary. Saturday night after going to the hospital i found out that i also broke my ribs after falling on my back during the acrobatics play which explains why i had a lot of stomach and back pain on Friday. So with a stabbed hand full of satanic drawings and broken ribs let us continue with what happened on Friday
So Friday we both were going to her place so she could give me things i missed whilst sick and absent from physics class on Tuesday. I was too anxious the whole way so didn't say much. We talked about anime, one punch man... i told her on the way that i had something to tell her but then told her something completely different because i was too shy and she was like "oh that was it?", then i said "no you'll see" and changed the subject. Ofcourse i never mentioned what i was going through, according to @Lucifer_ no one likes a "macho guy who hides his tears" which is what i am IRL but who cares i am me. Then we went to her place. I took photos of the papers then tried to waste time for like 2 min to get the courage to say it. This is when i told her, the exact phrasing of what i told her was. "I adore you and i think about you often but i was too anxious to say so" she turns around and asks me what did i just say, i repeat the same with a stutter at 'nervous'(meanwhile a big ass smile is on her face) then i tell her to have a nice vacation, she tells me likewise and i step out the house, all this in the span of like 35-50s so it was pretty quick. Her reaction was still confusing as always but i still feel like i accomplished something. Still not sure if she likes me or not but her facial expressions seemed to point to the latter.
I don't have any expectations that she might like me back or want to go out, that way i avoid disappointment. She might have wanted to tell me something or whatever but i just said bye so i can keep the feeling of accomplishment in case what she was gonna say was negative (but thar seemed unlikely from her facials expressions). That day was truly cancer so i just wanted to make it better. By the way alongside the "i have something to tell you"...(her)"that was it"...me "no you'll see" thingy which might have been creepy(don't know) is something from which comes my worst fear, that she was just nervously smiling because she thought I'd kill her, torture her and rape her lols. Because on the way to her house i asked her what she thought of me And she said "well you are nice and all but when you talk about ways of torturing people and stuff like that you come off as just a bit weird" And i am like "well i just do that to see the reactions of people I'm talking to"
I'm toooooootally not a psychopathic homicidal lunatic. I'm naaahhht(reference to this :)
Ok the end. Weird follow up but still uplifting in some sorts. By the way i am working on replacing everything i lost, one of which are the 2 sticks, i cut a tree branch and started sculpting it to fit the desired proportions:
Now i just have to do the same again and I'd have gotten 1 thing out of the 10+ things i lost back. Oh right i also ordered some
Headphones that'll arrive in like 2 or 3 days. Life sucks but hey you only get 1 am i right? time to get my shit together. Right now after rereading this post and posting it whilst taking a break from organising my room because of the stomach pain I'm experiencing I'll just continue organising my room lols
Thanks for reading
Compilation of cut outs from $UICIDEBOY$ lyrics that i sing so much, making my throat hurt more than the make-shift nooses i try on:
"Leather belt around my neck feels soooo better than the rope i had before, the result's the same but now I'm comfy when i go"
"Locked in my room, 4 black walls, tie the noose, no recall, no resolve, fuck withdrawal, rather shoot up till i feel"
"I'm matter but i don't matter"
"Blood spilling in my motherfucking pimp cup
Used to love the bitch, now she sucking other dicks
So I cut my fucking wrists
Feel like a puddle of piss
$uicide, death of me who gives a fuck
"I am the Lord of loneliness
I'll hold my breath
Just spoke with death
He said he hopes for the best
Told him I'm ropin' my neck
Then I woke up chokin' from the hole in my chest
Somehow I manage to function and hope
Every day got a lump in my throat
That's them pills swallowed whole
Smoke a blunt and then fuck all these hoes
End up humpin' they throat
Get the fuck away from me
I hate all of you, faithfully
This world was never made for me
Thankfully I’m trained to see
Past all the lies and righteous sins
I'll shank my knees then walk the plank and freeze"
"Roll up and I'll light a fucking match to the gas, no gas mask
Make it splash and all of a sudden I'm getting ashes
Lasting more than I can fathom
Mass appeal is real it seems
Mass didn't appeal to me
Six, six, six
Wrists glisten cause of slits
Heads missing so I split
Driven apathy, actually traffic
No tragic car accidents happen
You're just a fucking blip
It only matters cause we're matter
Scattering around a hole that gets blacker"