Posts made by somedumbguy

it's a feeling... an inspiration that fills you with humility and wonder, lulling as it humbles. It brings you to your knees and raises you to the heavens.

or..

it may just be a double bacon cheeseburger and a frostee

what kind of help you looking for?

I like... have almost figured out how to navigate posting/replying properly :dog:

@Thales_BG Thanks for the message good sir. Relationships are rough. I've found myself pitching the "how to deal with someone with dementia argument" to friends quite often... and I'm exercising it a bit with my sis-in-law now.

Basic idea is that in some instances it's easier to just go along with whatever you're getting from the other side of whatever interaction "Yea Bob those selfish aliens sure do seem to like stealing all of your mayonnaise!" Instead of "What are you talking about!? John took the mayo. He's standing over there with it in his hand!!" Even though you may be right, in instances where the other party cannot handle criticism or their delusions being exposed... your correction serves only to further alienate the other party - which pushes you both away from having a productive interaction.

People are complicated. It's funny. Although she can be a whole set of things that drive me nuts when she's feeling on edge/anxious/stressed when she's not in that state we get along just fine, sharing giggles over nonverbal exchanges, collectively teasing my brother, or laughing at ourselves for stupid/silly things we do. I suppose it is what is is for now and that's fine.

I don't know if she has any guilt in the mix of whatever is going on inside of her emotionally, from what little we've touched on it sounds like she holds onto to some resentment towards me from over a decade ago. Perceived slights from things said and done that were interpreted very negatively - interpretations that are a far cry from my actual intentions or actual meaning. Seems the book is closed on those things on her side - no space to discuss or form new understandings - I am whatever she's judged me to be based on her interpretation of those events.. I get no say.

I also challenge myself to hold no resent towards her, although I certainly do fail in moments 🙂

It was odd, so very unlike him. He was a polite and considerate man, he almost always called before just showing up....

@Thales_BG Thanks for the message good sir. Relationships are rough. I've found myself pitching the "how to deal with someone with dementia argument" to friends quite often... and I'm exercising it a bit with my sis-in-law now.

Basic idea is that in some instances it's easier to just go along with whatever you're getting from the other side of whatever interaction "Yea Bob those selfish aliens sure do seem to like stealing all of your mayonnaise!" Instead of "What are you talking about!? John took the mayo. He's standing over there with it in his hand!!" Even though you may be right, in instances where the other party cannot handle criticism or their delusions being exposed... your correction serves only to further alienate the other party - which pushes you both away from having a productive interaction.

People are complicated. It's funny. Although she can be a whole set of things that drive me nuts when she's feeling on edge/anxious/stressed when she's not in that state we get along just fine, sharing giggles over nonverbal exchanges, collectively teasing my brother, or laughing at ourselves for stupid/silly things we do. I suppose it is what is is for now and that's fine.

I don't know if she has any guilt in the mix of whatever is going on inside of her emotionally, from what little we've touched on it sounds like she holds onto to some resentment towards me from over a decade ago. Perceived slights from things said and done that were interpreted very negatively - interpretations that are a far cry from my actual intentions or actual meaning. Seems the book is closed on those things on her side - no space to discuss or form new understandings - I am whatever she's judged me to be based on her interpretation of those events.. I get no say.

I also challenge myself to hold no resent towards her, although I certainly do fail in moments :)

@Dang-girl I've found in my experience that that and many other barriers (defensiveness, misunderstanding, catastrophizing, mindreading, name calling, etc) to good communication grow and shrink in severity in congruence with the intensity of unmoderated emotion being experienced by the barrier producing party.

I've experienced it both as the offending party - producing those barriers.. the more emotional and unchecked I am the more likely I am to create obstacles and as a receiver of said obstacles

@OLIAG I guess the easiest example of a misinterpreted phrase was "I advocate and defend you around other people" expressed empathetically being interpreted as an attack as opposed to an attempt to bring us to the same side of the table... instead of on opposite sides.

I think that quote you mentioned is quite relevant. I spoke with my therapist about the whole shpeal and one of her more salient points was.. don't challenge a delusional persons delusions..

It's all good for the timebeing. Though painful, I did learn more about her from the exchange.. and although I was rebuffed at every turn I believe she at least understands some of my perspective more clearly even if she completely rejects it.

Thanks again for taking the time to engage this and reply thoughtfully!!

@Janet
-self-realized
-genuine, authentic
-laughs at self
-makes peace with their warts
-loves oneself
-appreciates recognition/validation but does not require or expect it
-celebrates the success of others
-opts for thoughts on novel solutions to, rather than complaining about, problems
-takes care of themselves
-is generous
..could have just said mature and confident. dammit!!

@OLIAG said in Just Looking for a little emotional support/perspective:

I would totally lose my interest to even live close to someone who would grab your hand just to drag you in the hole they are.

it truly is folly to entirely deny someone close over that.

Found those two thoughts resonated with me strongly. dragging me into her hole - brilliantly weaved good sir/maddam!!

Generally agreed about miscommunication - had to let the anger about the lying dissipate before I could revisit and emotionally accept that fully.

I believe you're spot on with the insecurities - again lots at play that is impractical to share here.. without writing a novel. The best way I've found to put all the pieces together is that it may all be about self-protection on her side...

Her exaggerating/hyperbolizing/fabricating has been known and acknowledged by her and both my family and hers for quite some time..

I don't think I've mentioned the, how to put it. She'll sometimes push a discussion/argument in a direction wherein she's beyond reproach.

For example an argument about how to cook eggs becomes a matter of women's rights.. or an argument about whether or not to run the dishwasher after you've emptied out the sink or to wait until it's full becomes about racial justice. (We're all white or white mixed fyi).

She'll then occupy the position of social justice warrior for either cause and you're left in the position of being judged an enemy of that cause if you voice an opinion in opposition to hers. "I just think we should save water and run it when it's full" = I'm a hater of women that should be ashamed of myself.

I would much rather just ask her her own thoughts about these things than speculate/mind read from the outside. For now I think I'll have to make peace with the fact that that probably isn't possible - first have to figure out how to get on the same page on reality (I'd wager a dispassionate explanation of this reality, corroborated by those she herself cares about/respects would be met with denial and or a emphatic claim that we are all gaslighting her)

It's been a week - I've softly resolved, should she engage me on the topic again, to give up on getting an understanding of me on her side of the fence for now. I think the best chance of having a productive conversation with her would be for me/us to solely focus on understanding her.. her perspective on events that have transpired, her thoughts and feelings around those events, and her own understanding of herself. Be validation incarnate.

@OLIAG thanks for that. much appreciated!

@Dang-girl yea - that's true. it's complex. we actually recorded the 2nd half the conversation. There's a lot of history at play that I couldn't really get into. One of things I found out during the conversation is she essentially has decided on what I must be feeling and my own reasons for my words and behaviors - explaining to her how I feel / think and why I say / do what I say and do is rejected... or in some cases my trying to correct the inaccurate dialogue she's carrying on with herself about what I must have been feeling/thinking which caused whatever behavior/words I said is considered to be gaslighting

@Dang-girl thanks. yea - absolutely two sides to every story.

@JonnnyM time and space thing is currently being exercised

@JonnnyM it's complicated. I think me and my brother are completely cool with the situation. sis-in-law I also believe is usually happy to have me around. I helped out with the kids this trip back in ways that no one else could. When I got back stateside this time she actually cried and hugged and thanked me for coming back.

@Fana you're very kind :)

@JonnnyM that's been done a number of times. seems the me being around thing isn't an issue. Thanks for taking a gander and taking the time to comment! appreciate it!

@Fana Their furry asses are over in Shenzhen. I'm on the east coast of the US. Been here since Nov - quite a process to get back over there with all the pandemic restrictions

@Fana look I learned how to reply

o wait.. should have replied. whooopsies