Does this relationship have a chance?

[Bethany123]

Hello. I'm new here and have been struggling with whether the relationship I'm in has a chance or not.

The Good
We have been together now since late 2019. He is generally kind, but not really "loving" in day to day interactions. Sex is good most of the time.

The Bad
Communication is generally poor. Specifically, he seems be completely clueless on how to communicate appreciation, joy (other than the climactic moment. lol), sadness, etc.

[Bethany123]

Because of this communication issue, he has unknowingly hurt me. I don't know if I should go into specifics here, but this is an example of his inability to recognize when he should show appreciation just crushed me. I got up early one Sunday, put on a little makeup and fixed my hair, then crawled back in bed to help him wake up. Afterward, he smiled, rolled out of bed and took a shower. No "thank you", "that was great", nothing...just went and took a shower. I was stunned. He didn't even give me a kiss.

I started to cry, got up and made some breakfast for both of us, all the while wondering if he didn't appreciate at all what I had done. The fact that it was sexual in nature also made me feel so embarrassed. He eventually came to the kitchen and ate some of the eggs and bacon I cooked, then said he was meeting friends to play golf. No big deal on the golf...he often plays golf on the weekends. But I was like, "WTF" all in my head because I was too embarrassed to even discuss it with him.

This is not the only time he has done this and I eventually confronted him about it...he had no idea how much he hurt me. I'm not a high maintenance woman, but I do need to feel appreciated. I honestly don't think he is aware in these moments and now when he overly corrects, giving effusive praise and thanks, I wonder if he is rolling his eyes at what he has to do to make me feel appreciated.

Thoughts? I would like to get married one day and at 46 and several years invested, I'm scared of being single again. Thank you.

This is just one

[Lochie]

@Bethany123 I think you just need to talk about things more frequently and if you need love/attention to be shown in a specific way - spell it out to him, as if he is a child almost because guys sometimes don’t understand unless it’s very clear what you need.

Also no need to feel too embarrassed to talk about something on your mind if you’re in a relationship that you see lasting you should be able to say whatever you need without fear of judgement.

overall - I think the little things are just as important as the big things when it comes to relationships so make sure you communicate anything that troubles you and make any needs known that you’d like met before it becomes an issue and possibly an argument.

Hope this helps in some way.

[Bethany123]

@Lochie Thank you, Lochie! You're so right about explaining it to him. The little things are so important...just wish I didn't have to always explain what I needed from him.

Thank you!

[Lochie]

@Bethany123 I know it can be frustrating and quite draining sometimes having to explain every little detail to a grown man, as it feels like they should care enough to understand on their own - but men are different beings to women and do struggle with things that may seem standard or basic. That’s why women say guys are dumb! They’ll change a car engine or build an house but have no clue when it comes to issues like this. Also Emotional intelligence is learned so he may be missing out on seemingly obvious signs if he isnt at the level you expect of him with that.
if you love him and see a future together, then it’s worth the effort and time to mend it - it will eventually get easier.

Relationships can be hard work at times as I’m sure you are aware, but also very beautiful and if you believe that he’s the one, then I guess you’ll stick it out until he gets it - as the saying goes, nothing worth having comes easy, and nothing that comes easy is worth having.

Hopefully the goods outweigh the bads overall and eventually, there will come a time where your communication as a couple will improve so much it will reach a point where it doesn’t feel so draining to discuss things as you’re both on the same page when it comes to each others needs, desires, goals and things that need work, and both of you will naturally understand each others communication styles and love languages and will be able to work in with one another without any second guessing. It’s like anything, practice makes perfect.

Be persistent with letting your needs and feelings be understood yet be patient and kind in the way you explain it as he may not understand until you’ve said it in a way that resonates with him, which can take multiple tries of saying the same thing differently.

He may struggle with communication too so while you are communicating your side of things, ask him about anything that may be troubling him and see if you can both go on a journey of improvement as a team which will bring you closer and serve as a bonding experience of sorts.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on, I’ve just been in a similar situation and I believe this issue is easily fixed with patience, and calm conversation, and understanding of each other.

You’ve got this and good luck, I wish you both all the best.