• if you read this all the way, thank you, and if not, thank you for taking the time out of your day for at least some part of it

    i honestly don't even know where to begin. i'm just not in the right headspace right now and i need somewhere to dump this all out. i feel so overwhelmed and i already know all the answers/solutions to my problems but it's just so hard. the spiral all started because i have an exam in two days. technically one now. i haven't studied one bit. and i have so much other shit to do for school so i don't even know if i have the time to study for this damn test. but if i don't do well on this exam then it hurts my chances for getting into nursing school. it's all my fault it's like this. i forgot all about the work that i have due and realized the day before it's all due that i have to do it. i let myself get to this low of a point in my life. i managed to pick myself up from a previous low point but i eventually got too comfortable. and being too comfortable leads back to being uncomfortable. i'm so lazy. the people who take care of me are the only reason i can live day to day so easily. i want to be able to take care of myself more but i am just so lazy. i don't know how i would live without my parents and i'm an 18 year old college student. i'm fucking broke but keep buying these shoes and clothes and games and all this other extra materialistic shit all because i want it. i don't take out the trash i rarely clean my room my room is a fucking mess till the point that my mom ends up cleaning it on her own. idk what i would do without that helping hand. and i can never repay her enough for that. same goes for my dad. the money that he provides is the only reason i have all the things i got. it's crazy. i hate the fact that i've gotten to this point. these thoughts are always so supressed until one thing finally sends it down into a spiral and i just keep realizing more and more things about myself that i just absolutely fucking hate. it's not even just the mental characteristics of myself that i hate, i hate myself physically, too. the image i see in the mirror is never the image i want to see. and i don't think it's ever been that way. it just feels like as time went on i've turned into the ugly fat one of the group of friends. there's almost more than 20 of us. brings me to another thing. i don't even know if i'm truly friends with them either. i know for some i am truly connected with them but for some other ones, i don't exactly know. one thing that always comes to mind is that it feels like i slowly become less and less a fit with them. the things we enjoy change and how we think change. i don't know. i have a girlfriend. i just want to go away with her and my family and just restart myself. i wish i had someone to go to for all this. sometimes it's so much easier just going to some random person or page online and dumping it here rather than just going to a friend is so much more relieving. i just don't feel comfortable sharing these type of things with them. they're either insensitive, don't know what to say, don't say anything, or maybe don't really care all that much. at times it just feels like we're a shitty friend group when we're not happy. except for a select few. but it's always the same response. "it's ok." "it'll get better." i know. i know the solutions to these problems but there's just something. i wish things were easier than that. i know to look better and feel better about myself i should go to the gym i know i know i should get a job or start helping around the house i fucking know all this it's just easier said than done. and i probably make it harder for myself. sometimes i love myself but there are times like these where i fucking despise myself. i'm fat, i'm not good at anything, i'm unathletic, i can't sing, i can't dance, i'm broke, i'm lazy, i have a porn addiction, so much other stupid shit. i've spent over a hundred dollars on onlyfans at this point and i want to stop but for some stupid fucking reason i can't. i hate myself. i do this to myself. i do everything to myself. i get myself out of situations and pull myself back in. i know the solutions to my problems because i made the problems. it's just a fucking loop. it's endless. feel good then feel shit and repeat. i feel so fucking miserable living like this. i can never enjoy a happy moment without thinking about how it's temporary. i have so many intrusive thoughts. i can't focus on one thing. I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

  • Global Veteran

    @me-boi Drives me back to this jam

  • One Woman Army Sarah's Fan Club

    seems to me like you're depressed. unmotivated, perhaps? getting too comfortable with the way things are usually results in that.
    i've been in this kind of a situation before, so i can share some tips from my own experience.

    you need to make an effort. you do want things to change, right? then you need to make a big effort. get discipline into your life, start with the small things. you can even start by just cleaning your room & spending less money on buying pointless crap. save it for big occasions, spend it on ppl you care about.

    also you gotta study hard. you won't get anywhere by just casually winging it. make a huge effort, study hard, cut out all of the distractions in your life. make an effort now and you'll have plenty of time to enjoy your hobbies later on.

    also don't rely on your friends too much. you gotta rely on yourself. they all have their own problems, you have yours. friends/lovers/parents are good for support, but you alone can help yourself.

    make an effort right now. it's very important, because you're young and things can still change. you can either choose a path that will lead to success, love & admiration, or a path that will end in depression, self-loathing & suicide. make the right choice, i know you can.

    also don't ever hate yourself. please try not to. i'm sure you're a good person. keep in mind that if you don't respect yourself, how are others supposed to respect you? you have to love the person you see in the mirror. turn your life around and become a person you'd respect.

    trust me, you can do it. i believe in you :)

  • Global Veteran

    @me-boi start by cheating on your test :face_with_monocle:

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