Yesternight, i have almost lost my mind. Again.



  • The blue light from the screen did a number on me.
    Slowly deteriorating my brain. Robbing me of my free will.
    I lie in my bed. The thoughts and urge is getting unbearable.
    As it is my own mind screaming at me. What do i do?
    I have got no-one to comfort me. I see my brother sitting at his computer.
    He watches patiently at his screen. And so do i. From afar.
    It's a YouTube video about carpenting. Then about exercise.
    Now it's a TEDTalk.
    It goes on.
    The torment continues.
    Never ending strain. I move around, hoping to relax a bit.
    My body gets colder. The sheets are moving.
    I think about my loved one the entire time.
    Every waking hour. Yet my dreams do not.
    My best friend. Oh, how much i miss him.
    How much I NEED him. Inside me. With me.
    Forever together... But alas, i am all alone.
    . . .
    Fate decides to console me with our cat.
    Her silent paws dancing with her walk.
    She approaches my bed.
    Then she jumps to me, wanting to warm herself up.
    I let her. She cuddles with me, where my chest hurts the most.
    Under my left armpit she now sleeps.
    The stinging sensation from my heartache.
    The apex of my heart, climaxing to my lower left.
    It's between my ribs.
    I always think to myself to stop this pain. Once and for all.
    Everytime its leaving and coming, like a rubber ball.
    Ramming my knife into me. Ending it all.
    It is close at hand. Yet the idea to pick it actually up.
    Never is realized.
    The knifes end should point towards me.
    Both hands firmly holding the wooden grip.
    A powerful thrust. With surgical precision.
    Penetrating my flesh and piercing my broken heart.
    The heart is at fault, for wanting to continue.
    The blood will spurt, if i manage to remove it.
    Beating endlessly, stabbing itself more with each pump.
    The pain would be excruciating. This keeps me from doing it...
    This morning i told my mother about it.
    She asked me: "What's wrong?"
    I smiled, knewing what she would say.
    I tell her that it is simply nothing important.
    And she already knows my pain. Yet ignores it.
    "I only almost lost my mind yesternight."
    "I wanted to stab myself with my knife again."
    She "explains" to me that i have these ideas...
    Because i have nothing better to do.
    As i was not working yesterday.
    ...
    Maybe it's true?
    What the actual fvck is wrong with me?
    These thoughts shouldn't cross a normal mind.
    Yet here i am, writing this horrible post.
    And i shall give out a toast!
    I have many more conditions, that shouldn't be.
    But it looks like there where always with me:
    I have Psychopathy,
    Psychosis,
    Schizophrenia, too, it seems,
    Multiple personality disorder,
    Halluzinations, seeing darkners in broad daylight,
    Suicidal thoughts, as depicted in this post,
    Real depression and
    Anxiety...
    That's about it, i think?

    But i am strong. I have power. I am still in control.
    This body is mine. Controlling it like a mime.
    These thoughts are not mine. They come from somewhere else.
    From someone.
    But with the power of mine. With my spirit. With my Determination.
    I choose to continue to "live" in this world.
    For another occurence.
    For another session of torment.
    Will i be strong enough for the next one?
    Only time will tell...



  • @IM-NOT-LONELY
    Let your most inner desires come forth. Do not hold back. Let them go...



  • @Karina-Kara You're smart and awesome and this too shall pass. I want you to be happy. Your mother is right. Try to find a distraction and it will most certainly help you heal faster. 🙂



  • In times of valley , please remember that someone out there is praying for you and wishes you to do well and have a good health. Don't give up! Everything will be alright real soon , what you are facing right now is part of life. It's molding your character time.. it was given to you because you are stronger than that. If you think you're alone, we are here for you.. this is what TWS created for 🙂

    *virtual hug



  • @Karina-Kara

    This really hits hard and close to home, but don't let yourself lose the fight. You are a wonderfully pretty and special person. After every storm there will be a calm, I'm.sure yours will be well worth it! Stay strong and know I'm here if you need



  • Redirect your focus. Don't give up! 🙂
    There's still a lot of awesome things and people awaits for you. You will eventually overcome with this and soon you will just smile why you think that way. Life is too short to shortcut haha 😄 you just need someone to talk and change your perception about everything in life. Remember how people in terminal illnesses wished or prayed to extend their lives , don't take away the chance you're given to. The chance to live with a reason and a purpose 🙂


  • Music Lovers

    @Karina-Kara
    Teach me how to poem?!

    and the last part made me genuinely happy 🙂



  • @IM-NOT-A-PHONY
    Yet i unmasked myself here. What better way to show everyone who you truly are?
    Does not everyone deserve to know the truth? Even, if it hurts?



  • @Kana I will try. I shall stay strong against this grind.



  • @cjko . . .
    Thanks!
    For all of this.
    I need to think.



  • Hey, I'm so proud of you. You're strong. The bravest decision you've made is to keep on living in the moment you really want to die.

    My brother had depression too. It is sad indeed to see the one you're growing up with. We've gone through everything together but resulting in two very different individuals. I never expected it, all of us never expected it would happen. Thanks to god with support from family and friends, he has gotten over his depression.

    I wish you do too ♥


  • Music Lovers

    @Karina-Kara said in Yesternight, i have almost lost my mind. Again.:

    @IM-NOT-LONELY
    Let your most inner desires come forth. Do not hold back. Let them go...

    but sometimes, letting your inner desires unearth, just causes more misery. It reminds you, of what you truly are. So, better to keep wearing that mask, until it becomes a part of you, dont you think?



  • @Karina-Kara it's my pleasure to do so.. you can talk to me about everything that drags you


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