Feeling stuck in place with no happy endings

[Starrynight40]

I'm 40F, married 20yrs Christian Conservative, with 6 kids. (17-5) Average Midwesterner, middle class?
My husband is 49. He had a kinda traumatic upbringing, but is in denial that he had one. He is verbally abuse to our kids and me, but not all the time. We have good days and bad. I've read enough to believe we are toxic. I've recently thought of leaving, but there is so much intertwined in our lives I don't know if we could separate it. We have recently been having good days, he hasn't had a blow up in awhile, which my oldest brought up yesterday. It's like we are just waiting for it happen again. I've told him repeatedly that he needs counseling, we both should and he needs to start taking care of his health. I would like him to get fixed as I feel we are at the stopping point for kids. He's been putting this off for a few years now.
One of the last blow ups ended up with him following me around in my car, me with all my kids running from him. It freaked us all out, so I feel like if I say we should separate or divorce he'll do something very destructive. Whether that means hurting someone, or himself, or damaging our house, vehicles or other things. I don't want my kids hurt, physically or emotionally. He doesn't have anyone, family or real friends. If we were to split, I'd probably lose some of my family over it.... Christian upbringing.
I feel backed in a corner, he thinks everything is fine. I'm emotionally a wreck, I've cried so much over the years, I've got none left. I'm sad to think of this, but think I want to be done.
We are barely making ends meet with all the rising prices, so I know that'll be another stresser for us. He always blames me or the kids, or anyone else for anything that goes wrong. He never accepts responsibility for anything. We are still sexually active, but not in a good way? I don't remember the last time it was good. I think he might have erectile disfunction, but again in denial that there is anything wrong. He hasn't seen a doctor in 18 years. I don't know how much more I'm supposed to take. I want out and more for our lives. We work at the same place too, so that's another issue. So many issues, no good solutions. He used to get mad if he didn't get sex when he wanted it. I've tried to be more available to that, but I don't get much out of that if he can't stay hard. I've tried different things over the years to get him to help around the house, and went so far as to stop doing things, but this lead to a bigger mess that's taking longer to get cleaned up. But I work 45hrs a week, and I don't wanna clean every second I'm home. I want to enjoy doing things I love. I'm lonely but not alone, I don't have friends or family that are close, or understand. I was raised to stuck it up. When he gets mad he throw out insults at me, or bring up my past before him, or accuse me of cheating. I'm not, but I feel that temptation to just go out and have fun with someone and let whatever happens happen. But I worry I'd regret it or want more, whatifs and all. I'm not a carefree type, I have to feel something and then probably get attached a little. There are things that have happened over the years that have brought out his true colors and I'm not impressed with what I see anymore. I want to feel wanted, loved, appreciated, respected, protected. Not a whinny man who guilt trips me into doing things, or is too lazy and orders his kids around. At times I feel like he's a narcissist. He's not physical, but threatens to be, waving his fist or acting intimidating. I'm sorry, I'm all over the place over emotional, stressed. And no one to talk to..... I took an assignment of our marriage and the results weren't good. So know I'm over thinking everything. I don't even know anymore. Suggestions, Support, Tips, Friendship???

[depin]

@starrynight40 you sticking up there shows your strength… hope am to be fine for you

[Lost_n_Confused]

Take comfort in that you are experiencing an almost identical situation to mine. I'd love to talk to someone who will completely understand what I'm going through. If you see this please contact me, maybe we can help each other through it.