I actually have a lot of thoughts on this discussion thus far. So much so that - depending on how this reply goes - I may just write up a separate, second post that breaks down and delves into various concepts more in-depth per-paragraph, each separated thematically (for the sake of better clarity in what is hopefully a more cogent, coherently constructed argument).

But for right now, I'm just gonna go in a chronological/comment-reply fashion from top-to-bottom to make sure I don't miss anything in my initial response. Apologies in advance if this post seems a bit verbose or long-in-tooth 🙏🏼

@_divv_roxx_ : Sometimes life gives you with various options wherein you have to chose the best suited one

I'd argue that this is pretty much always going to be the case. It's just that the decisions we make with respect to daily or commonplace trivialities almost seem mundane by comparison to those choices which have a significant impact on the manner in which your future unfolds that said latter group stand out to us as defining moments. Certainly more so than, say, when you had to choose whether to turn a doorknob clockwise or counter-clockwise.

This may seem like a minor point to quibble about. And ordinarily, I'd agree with that sentiment, this should be a readily obvious fact that barely warrants further mention. But the way in which you frame "life" in the rest of your original post and subsequent replies as if it were some sort of anthropomorphic sentient entity that itself is "choosing" to hand you/me/us these subset of difficult/seemingly impossible/or "UnFair" (as you put it) choices makes it ever more important to pause and recognize that this is simply the state of affairs in every single aspect of our lives -- from the meaningless and inconsequential decisions to the high-pressure heart-wrenching or soul-crushing ones -- the very fact that every particle that comprises your being no longer resides in the infinitely dense singularity "prior" to the big bang which expanded the spacetime continuum across our known universe to the state in which you and I find ourselves today means that... yeah, time isn't happening all at once in a singularly dense point of all decisions and all possibilities happening simultaneously. We human beings are three-dimensional protrusions of metabolic matter that only ever experiences time flowing in one direction: from the immutably fixed past, to the malleable and actionable ever-present now, to the amorphous and uncertain future that's yet to materialize ahead of us. This necessarily implies that you can't go back and "undo" a choice you've made in favor of another one. That goes for what you had for breakfast or how you handled your last breakup. The best we can do is learn from our past experiences (in the present), visualize an ideal future we'd like to strive towards (in the present moment), and take what seem to be the most appropriate action to get us from point A to B (by being present in the moment when those opportunities arise).

Ah, but I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here lol. Like I said, I have lots of thoughts on this. I'll do a dedicated differentiation between these various ideas at the end or in a separate reply. Moving on to the next segment of how you've chosen to frame this peculiar state of affairs that we call existential reality, i.e. "life"

On the contrary when life has already decided to ruin it all for you, none but only the closed doors/ways/paths are the one's that appear right ahead of you..

Yep, see, I definitely did jump ahead as I already addressed some of this. That's what I get for trying to address you from memory rather than paying attention to the portion I actually quoted lmao.

So, yeah, you're attributing characteristics to "life" here that I don't think are actually helpful (or even necessarily justified and true). How is it beneficial to your decision making capabilities to conceive of "life" as something akin to the 3 sisters of fate from greek mythology, controlling every aspect of your life like a puppeteer gleefully snipping and chopping away the strings with a witchlike cackle till you're left with bad to impossible decisions?

I get that we all can feel a bit powerless at times, but trust me, this isn't a healthy outlook to subscribe to in the long term as it will eventually, inevitably, invariably lead to a defeatist mentality. A sort of "well, why should I bother with anything anymore, I wasn't able to get the guy or girl of my dreams because it just wasn't written in the stars and the planets weren't aligned in my favor / I couldn't get that career path defining promotion, because it wasn't the will of the gods and/or the fates were conspiring against me / I will never be able to (insert idealized variable X here) because (insert the constant Y of a cosmic force that's completely outside of your control here)"

I agree and can even empathize with you on the fact that life is full of regrets for decisions we wish we could take back. I'll even cop to the fact that sometimes (important distinction here, not "always" because this isn't an "absolute" or "universal" truth. It is, definitionally speaking situational in nature) none of those options seem ideal as they're all bad choices which will lead to various variations of disastrous consequences and we're left with the unenviable task of having to choose between the lesser of two or more evils in order to minimize the potential damage. I get the plight behind your sentiments @_divv_roxx_ I really truly sincerely do...

...but I think you're failing to account for the fact that we are thinking, sentient, self-reflective creatures. We are beings who are capable of learning and growing. Who's to say that you won't be able to see a better path ahead the next time you're faced with an impossible ultimatum? At the very least, I can tell you from my personal past experiences that my ability to be tactical when faced with an unforseen challenge (and most certainly to be able to strategize and direct my actions accordingly to appropriately anticipate difficulties and hardships that I know will eventually come my way) have grown by leaps and bounds with each and every trial and conundrum I've had to face in life over the years. Also, if my word alone isn't enough, there seem to be a fuckton of books and memoirs scattered across the globe written by people way smarter than me going back decades and centuries, all of whom seem to suggest this capacity is an inherent birthright of our human condition as well 👍🏼

Its definitely hard to carve out from that very moment, and the chances are too not very fair..

See the last paragraph I wrote immediately prior to this one.

If it helps, I've come to think of it as being somewhat analogous to playing a chess game. Pretty much after the second or third opening move onwards none of your decisions are going to be 100% perfectly ideal... because it's no longer an empty and expansive board full of possibilities anymore. Every move you make from that point on is in response to the opposing force that you face. Whether you position pieces to block an advance, to confront a threat, to divide and conquer, to retreat and strengthen your own defenses, etc etc, that's all entirely up to you based on what the situation calls for. But I can assure you, NONE of that will feel perfectly ideal in the moment... but so long as you keep in mind that your goal is to capture their king and win the game, you will always, always, always be able to ascertain what is the best move that you can make in that circumstance with respect to your overarching goal.

Sure, you might have to give up an advantageous position in the short-term, or your most versatile asset might get pinned down in the mid-game, or you might even have to make the tough call to do a sacrifice play with your most potent pieces near the endgame... so long as each of those decisions leads to an opening, a new possible path forward that didn't exist for you prior to that point, I'd say it's worth it. It doesn't matter if it's your queen, your bishop, your knight, or even the often overlooked "foot-soldier" pawn that you advance forward to corner your counterpoint across the board, you'll be able to pull off a win -- even if it's by the slimmest of margins. Heck, you could even put your own neck on the line and move the kingpiece forward for that final pincer maneuver. It may seem silly, or dangerous, stumbling one step at a time towards a seemingly impossible prize - but with each step you take you confront the possibilities, opening some new ones, closing the door on others. At a very high-level birds-eye view, this is an abstraction of your own position in life as well. One decision at a time, one moment at a time - that's all we can do.

Sorry if you're not much of a chess aficionado and this analogy isn't really helping lol, but I'm just trying to draw a parallel between the "short skirmishes" or "noisy battles" that require quick and tactical decision-making on your part (whether in chess, or in life) vs "the wars" that wage over the course of your entire lifetime (on the chessboard, or on planet earth) which require a bit more finesse, perspective, and strategy to navigate through successfully. Do you try to "win" this fight between you and your friend, your family member, your significant other, your professional colleague, etc? Or do you tactically, tactfully, decline to cause damage, recognizing that expending your energies here doesn't accomplish much in the long term and instead focus on whatever underlying issues are causing these points of friction and contention and outbursts in your interpersonal relationships with family, friends, loved ones, career partners, etc? I won't pretend like any of these judgement calls will ever be "easy" or the most "ideal" either - but it is true that you definitely do learn to become more reflective and cognizant of how your decisions will impact yourself and others over time.

But that will only come with time and experience I'm afraid. And, once again, I can't stress this enough: with recognizing what your overall objective is. Without a clear goal to strive towards, the moves you make in life won't gain you any momentum (just as your chess moves on the board will seem directionless, lacking the drive to survive and come out ahead). So first figure out what it is that you want for yourself. For your health, your wealth, your happiness, the well-being of those around your familial / platonic / professional relationships... whatever it may be from the first-person perspective of your kingpiece, you set your sights on it and take aim. After that point, don't even worry about framing it in terms of un/fair dis/advantages. You make moves towards your goals, and even if they aren't the perfect solution you will know that given the circumstances and all the information at your disposal you chose the best possible path forward. And even for that not-perfect strategem that you chose to move forward with, if you happen to not stick the landing and make a tactical misstep along the way - don't frame it in your mind as a "mistake" - it's a learning moment. You don't make mistakes, you make adjustments, and you continue to forge ahead towards your ideal. So who gives a flying f*ck if the chances of survival are a thousand to one? You forget the thousand. You focus on the one. And you grind like hell to push past the odds and actualize the outcome that you've envisioned.

To be literally honest, "THE ENTIRE WORLD" seems like falling/tearing apart..

I think you're being metaphorical here, not literal.

Either way, this statement is a bit too generic to adequately address without knowing the specifics of what you're alluding to.

I don't mind responding in a future reply, so long as you can clarify what exactly you're referencing here when you say "THE ENTIRE WORLD"

The worst is the molten deep engraved thoughts within you, which you've not been able to set aside, eventually lead to where you are as of now with hardly anyone to hold your back

Ah, see, you've touched on a topic here that I think requires a more elaborated answer: The relationship of habitual thinking vs novel insights. Are our brains only always and forever doomed to fire along already established neural-pathways, i.e. "deeply engraved thoughts" as you put it? Or is it possible for new synaptic connections to be made? For new neural pathways to be forged? For new thoughts, ideas, insights and paradigms of perspective?

Unfortunately... I'm looking at this long ass reply and I'm hesitant to write that second post after all 😅 So the short version is that, scientifically speaking, your brain is capable of something called neuroplasticity. So, sure, even if it is true that we are creatures of habit, it will always be possible and within your grasp to learn new things and see situations in a different, new, unique and novel manner that simply escaped your perspective prior to that point. So as paradoxical as this may sound, as much as your mind can get "stuck in a rut" it is also entirely plausible for it to become a malleable and adaptable imaginatrix of ideation.

Oh, also, if you're interested in the TL;DR versions of my previous replies, I was referring to the philosophical ideas of "determinism vs libertarianism" in which I've sortof taken the middle-ground stance of "compatibilism" i.e. I don't think we have free-will, but I don't think that we're choiceless robots following the domino-fall programming of the universe either -- I just take the "free" part out of free-will. To use the prior chess analogy, I can't move my pieces willy-nilly however the hell I want wherever I want and whenever I want all across the board, there are definite strictures and restrictions placed upon where I can position each piece and in what manner it will traverse the board. However, understanding those rules/limitations placed upon my choices (and, again, having an objective of winning the game in mind) I can and always will be able to determine what is the best possible move I can make towards that goal and decide to do so.

@justB : As long as you don't make a choice, everything remains possible.

I VIOLENTLY DISAGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT!!! 😤

It may sound good theoretically, on paper. But realistically speaking, in practical application, this hardly ever holds true.

As I wrote earlier, time is always marching ahead, even if you don't make a decision. So it's simply untrue to suggest that "everything remains possible" when new possibilities arise as old ones dissapear with each second that ticks by on the ever progressing clock. This problem gets even more complicated when compounded with the fact that there are other human beings, thinking agents who are also capable of making decisions, and the choices that they make for each moment you haven't decided to act have a definite and measurable impact on the landscape of what possibilities remain available to you.

I still espouse the fact that reflection and carefully thought out deliberation leads to more well informed decision making. So, yes, carefully consider the consequences of your actions rather than choosing thoughtlessly... but it's foolhardy to pretend that all things in the universe remain equal while you ponder the possibilities.

And this is why, while advocating for you to take a moment in the present to reflect on the past and plan out what future you want a hand in creating, I'm also highlighting the fact that the "possibilities" are an ever-changing landscape - and so you must also be able to recognize and discern where and when being intelligently opportunistic is called for. Because that particular opportunity isn't going to be there a month, a minute, a moment from now (especially if time isn't the only factor in play and another person who has already learned the value of intelligent opportunism chooses to pounce on that possibility, snatching the choice from you due to your inaction)

So... yes, take a moment, be fully present, and breathe. Carefully consider what your aspirations are, what it takes to make that a reality... and recognize when the most opportune moment arrives, and act without remorse or regret. Don't get caught up in analysis paralysis as life passes you by. You will never have a total compendium of all the knowledge in the universe required to make the perfectly informed decision. Certainly time isn't going to pause for you while accumulate that knowledge, nor are other people and forces that limit and hinder your choices. But you can make a reasonably well-informed decision based on all the information you've gathered that is currently available to you right now. You can gauge the competition, calculate the probabilities, and create new possibilities for yourself by seizing the moment without delay when it counts the most.

And again, don't be afraid of making mistakes with this method.

• Ever seen an artist make an initially accidental smudge work to their advantage as that part of the painting is transformed into a unique whorl in the tree or a jagged point along the mountainside?
• If a sculptor chisels the wrong spot or makes a mistake while carving, they'll keep working without worry, revising and incorporating the new shape till you can't tell the difference.
• If you miss a note while playing a melody, the metronome keeps ticking, and you can choose to either pause playing your instrument or keep the rhythm going as you recover and complete that musical composition.

There are no such things as mistakes, only lessons learned as you make adjustments accordingly and incorporate your new (never 100% ideal) position into your next move.

You get to a point where you think about what if you say YES instead of NO. Most likely the story would have been different

@_divv_roxx_ : Yes, I completely agree, one always has choices to make. But 'Choices' aren't ever any great deal to make. When you have already reached out to the extreme level of saturation, the "choices" do come with their own limitations/fallbacks 😞
@justB : All the choices have consequences. If I were to think about all the choices I made, I would get a headache. You can think rationally or do things on impulse. Do not overthink your choice, just go with the flow and see where it gets you. 🙂

I VIOLENTLY AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT!!! 😤

It's a curious paradox, isn't it? To "go with the flow" or "plan it all out to perfection." In most instances, I think utilizing a bit of both approaches serves us best: i.e. "figure out what I wanna do, to the best of my ability... and then, when the critical moment comes.. wing it / play it by ear / improvise accordingly as the situation evolves"

@Lake-Bodom not that it's a competition, but I'm asexual plus I have COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease)

So, basically, I can manage to get really hot and bothered just fine all by myself -- no need for additional supplements like sex, drugs or rock & roll dream/ambient pop-music required 😎

Compared to your (what I consider to be admirable, truly!) concise style, I'm not very succinct at all @justB 😂 That said, I think I more or less agree with the sentiments you've conveyed in this convo overall :)

The one part I said I disagreed with was a purposeful snippet of your first reply because that sentence -- taken by itself -- is a bit misleading. Of course, you had a following sentence that added context, and a second reply after that, both of which I agreed with. And even the segment where I was "violently" disagreeing with you lmao, I think I advocated for a bit of a compromise between "pause for as long as you need to and consider the shifting, changing possibilities" and "act without hesitation when it really counts" But make no mistake, inaction still has consequences. All possibilities DO NOT remain equal while you're considering what your next move could be. That's the key point I wanted to get across, and why I started with an "I disagree" before incorporating the benefits of what you said into my proposed compromise.

As for what you just wrote, I'm also in complete agreement with you. With @_divv_roxx_ too, as I told him the same thing earlier. I empathize with the fact that sometimes you just don't have any optimal choices left and you're forced to choose the lesser of two evils - which may just end up costing you the chess game / the outcome you wanted in life won't be what you get. To that, what else can I say but "it is what it is" ¯\(ツ)/¯

Wait, did I say asexual @Lake-Bodom I'm sorry, that was an accidental typo, I meant to say I reproduce by splitting myself in half via cellular mitosis.

I have no clue what sexual intercourse with another partner is like or what the word sex even means.

You hoomans are weird.

---

Oh, also, scratch what I said about COPD. Cuz I don't have lungs. I have gills.

So not only don't I smoke, I can't even breathe air. Yep.

flaps gills flamboyantly

The HYPOTHETICAL tHeOrY GUESSTIMATED by SPECULATIVE HUNCHES is that all stellar and planetary bodies seem to conform to a roughly globular shape... but.. if the earth is really an oblate-spheroid, how come the bottom of my shoes are flat and not concave huh?? Huh?!? HUUUUUH?!?!?!?!?!? #BigBrain #SoScience #VeryEdumacate #AllFaxNoPrinter #ShoMehDatCurvature

@Aman-s-formula dopamine + nicotine = blissful brain? 🧐🤔🧠

"Was" = hard

Yes to the "was" part of the question.

I think you put your finger on it, because it was made a mandatory subject in school that entailed graded testing and quizzes etc at frequent intervals it got to be a bit tedious and/or nerve wracking.

"Is" ≠ hard

That said, to the "is" part of the question. I'd definitely have to say no. I won't pretend that I'm an autodidact or polymath here, but I often do decide to delve back into past studies from time to time - whether that's one of the sciences, mathematics, the social humanities, linguistics, art, anything really. And in that light, where there's no real external pressure, I'm just learning for the sake of understanding, it suddenly gets SO. MUCH. EASIER.

Sure, I might be going at a snail's pace that'd piss off some of my teachers in the past. But no matter how leisurely my progression is, the fact that I'm not moving onto the next concept or topic in that subject until and unless I've gained a solid grasp of the current material means that I'm slowly but steadily gaining true mastery of the subject since I no longer have gaps in what I know.

Even if I know very little compared to someone else, what I know, I know that I know... if that makes sense? Cuz it's no longer this rushed and frantic weekly memorization technique (most of which I immediately forget by the following week anyway). No, I can legit talk to you about anything from

• the physics of subatomic particles
  • like quarks,
  • protons,
  • neutrons,
• the covalence of electrons in atoms
  • and how that ties to the chemistry of molecules,
• which eventually leads to a convo about complex organic molecular compounds,
• then we take it a step further by talking about possible abiogenesis events and the experimental evidence to support those hypothetical models of how the building-blocks of life like amino-acids and self-replicating RNA came to be
• voila now we're talking life!
  • Here's tonight's homework, stand in front of the mirror and say "deoxyribose nucleic acid" 3 times, fast. You'll get so dizzy you'll start to see double helixes everywhere 🧬
• now we take it another order of magnitude further by talking about the speciation of complex forms of life,
• and before you know it - here we are - talking about the anatomy and biology of various flora and fauna in our evolutionary tree of life.

To me, that sort of understanding of how everything interconnects is invaluable. It's definitely worth more than the silly "one-speed fits-all" curricula and bell-curve based grading-metric they used to use back in my school days (and, it sounds like, still do for plenty of you as well). To know the subject well enough that I can rephrase it and teach it to someone else -- and not just memorizing and parroting it, but to be able to hold a conversation about it by organically connecting to and drawing from some of the other sciences, disciplines or fields and interweaving those ideas together... that's a superpower.

Terrible (but pragmatic) advice

So... as "bad" as this next bit of advice will sound.. go ahead and memories/cheat/etc whatever you have to to get those fast-paced short-term "sprints" of grades.

I hate saying that, but then again

• the entire damn school system is basically just a giant assembly line from K through 12
  • and that model hasn't changed since we copied it from the Prussians.
• Attendance is required, compulsory and mandatory - so says the state.
• Everyone is divided by age, not by what subjects they need or want to learn.
• Leaving little or no opportunity for students to explore a subject in depth, to develop a passion, to hone a skill. It's just an hour for one subject, then an hour for another.
• Hear the bell ring? Off to be herded to the next class like cattle. Your teacher for that next class is about to take attendance, so go to your assigned seat, in your neat little rows, in your cubicle-shaped desk-attached chair so that you can be marked present on this cell in that row of their nice and neat spreadsheet.
• Teachers are considered qualified if, and only if, they have the required certificate. Whether they can teach well is irrelevant.
  • (oh, also, for those few rare gems that deserve credit for caring... there is little to no recognition of superb teachers, except perhaps from individual students who notice)
• And the content of whatever they teach is fixed, and taught at a fixed rate, even if that doesn’t work for some students.
  • It centers around a state-standardized curriculum and lesson plans, not real-life experiences.
  • Therefore both the students and teachers alike come to believe that the main purpose of school is preparing students to get a good grade
    • on monthly exams
    • or the weekly quizzes
    • or the daily homework
  • ... even if this relentless pacing leads to (as was mentioned by a few people above)
    • shoddy memorization techniques preferred over actual learning
    • and certain students opting to cheat in order to get that passing grade rather than risk falling behind everyone else.
• TL;DR version: The OVER TWO CENTURIES OLD Prussian model is associated with discipline, obedience, subservience, conformity, grading, rigid curriculum, mindless memorization, suppression of creativity, suppression of intelligence, and various other negatives.

I wish I could wave a wand and somehow magically change your school system to mirror something more like Plato's academy rather than a Prussian factory. Where the entire system was set up with learning as their primary goal. Generally they were voluntary; students were not required to attend, they wanted to do so. Often teachers were not paid, or received donations; they wanted to transmit knowledge and wisdom. This is the antithesis of the system that is widespread today.

Unfortunately, I can't magic the madness of the Prussian model away for you. What's more, I've gone through that machinery already, so I can empathize with your situation of "hating" a subject (when really it's the compulsory nature of it, the way in which it's taught, and the frantic pacing, topped off with the risk/reward system). I get it. So I'm not gonna pretend to take some higher ground over you and say y'all should quit cheating or memorizing for grades. I don't think you will learn that way, but if I'm being completely honest, I don't think you (or I) learn effectively with this system of schooling regardless of whether we used those shortcuts. So... do what you have to do "for the grade"

But afterwards, at some point down the road, whether it's your summer vacation, or after you graduate high school, or several years down the road in your spare time, I'd implore you to learn simply for the sake of learning what you can learn. Treat it like pet hobby or a side project and go at your own pace. Meaning you ought to feel free to walk away without worry whenever you get stuck on some weird biology concept you can't grasp... cuz that breathing room is what gives you the energy to come back to it with a drive rather than becoming increasingly disappointed and disinterested.

Or, at least, that's been my experience so far. Maybe it's not universal for all, but I think there are enough kernels of truth in what I've said that at least some of it will resonate with you. So... yeah, do what you have to do now (knowing that you're not gaining mastery at it, you're just "sprinting" to get the next dangling carrot grade) but then whenever this entire K-12 factory is done and over with, i.e. you look back at how biology "was" -- try re-learning how it "is" again (no more constant, cyclical, relentless "sprints" but focusing on a more self-paced "marathon" just to see if you have it in you to make that mile). I'm pretty much willing to bet money that you'll be surprised at how much easier it comes to you when all that crazy chaotic daily/weekly "passing grade" pressure drops away from your weary shoulders.

TL;DR / Conclusion

Anywho, I've rambled on long enough 😅 Basically, I don't think bio is hard... but I used to think so, and I understand why you all would. It's cuz our school system is (quite literally) over 200 years old and none of the things that are broken and badly designed about it have changed one bit since way back then. It's dumb. It was deeply unfair to me and it's unfair to you too. But I hope, once "the factory" spits you out the other side, you're able to shake all that conditioning off and be willing to explore and discover old subjects (whether that be bio, or any other field that seems "hard" right now) to re-learn what you actually turn out to have a knack and passion for when not pressured to perform for their spreadsheets.

Hey, what's on your mind? I'm not a licensed therepist by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm more than happy to help you out with any support that I can offer ❤️‍🩹

Btw, would you prefer to talk privately or post on here? I just tried chatting you but I got this error message

Toh-may-tow vs Toh-mah-toe

Sure, but it's also fair to say "everything fades in..." too

And we can play this sort of semantic game with anything really.

• "We lose focus" vs "we gain perspective"
• "The final end" vs "the new beginning"
• Light can't exist without darkness
• Nor can good in a vacuum without evil

If you'll pardon me shamelessly stealing a quote from an anime villain, just because I find it quite poignant:

"And what is so good about being "good" anyway? It is the selfish desire to maintain peace imposed by pacifist do-gooders that breeds dissent, and then violence, and inevitable wars -- and thus, "hate" is born to protect "love" once more. This is the nature of our reality"

So you see, as @justB already pointed out, you can always find a way to look at the glass as half-empty ot half-full - it just depends on your disposition, really.

A necessary compromise

Given this curiously dichotomous nature that permeates and perpetuates virtually every aspect of our lived experiences, I think it's far more accurate to be a realist and observe the fact that "everything changes" rather than falling prey to the pessimistic perspective ("everything fades out / glass half empty") or trying to continually maintain the optimistic alternative ("everything fades in / glass half full)

Because, when taking a holistic view of this peculiar state of affairs (i.e. when not showing bias or partiality on way or the other) this is what really resonates the truest - or at least, it seems to be the most sane position to hold to someone like me.

My own personal take rambles

If you take a peek at my profile, you'll notice that on the "favorite quote" section I wrote

"πάντα ῥεῖ ☯️ vis-à-vis ♊️ fēlīx culpa"

This is actually a mixture of 3 separate phrases, as well as an amalgamation of 3 distict languages.

1. The first portion, in Greek, is transliterated as "panta rhei" which translates to "all flows" or "everything goes"
2. The second segment, in French, means "through" or "via" or "face-to-face with" or "in corresponding counterpoint to"
3. The third part, in Latin, literally means something like "the happy flaw" or "the blessed fault" but it has a deeper theological connotation to it. Our flaws, of course, cause us to fall from grace and fail. But we must also be sure to credit this same fatal fault for always searching, seeking, striving, for another way out, a better solution, to make amends, to redeem ourselves somehow, no matter how hopeless the case.

Or if you prefer Hebrew, we have the Yetzer Ha-Rav just as we have the Yetzer Ha-Tov (the inclination to do evil and the impulse to do good, respectively) but the most interesting point to take note here is that Adam didn't have the preference towards either when he was still just adamah i.e. a creature formed from earth or clay. It was only when God filled his nostrils with ruach (which, yes, means "the breath of life"... but more importantly, it also alludes to a "divine wind", or even a "holy spirit") that he was transformed into a living being... and, somewhere in the far recesses of his mind, now held the potential to stray. In other words, the propensity for mischief, as well as virtue and honor, is inherent in our soul, our spirit, our very essence. It is our God-given birthright and lifelong inheritance. It is who we are, through and through: wanderers wondering why we are so wayward.

Sorry, I got stuck on the 3rd point for a while there lol. Anyway, taking all 3 together, what the heck is it that I'm trying to say exactly?

Well... It all changes. Everything flows. Nothing lasts. Not your parents, nor your children. Not the people you love, nor those you harbor hate towards. It all emerges from, and dissipates back into, the endlessly flowing river of time.

And hand in hand with this realization we eventually have to come to terms with the fact that we're not exactly an innocent and innocuous passive observer to it all. We're right in the thick of it and our choices impact how rich or how poor those experiences can be.

So accept yourself, even when you change and grow, because at your core you are still you. Be present in the moment, however magnificent the mistake or however horrifying the triumph, whether you classify the glass as half full or half empty, you drink in the moment and savor the bittersweet memory for what it is. Because "this too, shall pass"

Or as @justB put it far more aptly, _"Memento mori" i.e. "be mindful of death". Why do you think the likes of Shakespeare had a skull by his writing desk? Trust us, it's not nearly as depressing as the advice may sound lol. Indeed, it's actually an incredibly rich fertilizing agent for the mind, to remind yourself of how precious and fleeting the mortal coil is. It drove his creativity, it drives my own urge to eke out every last ounce of experience in my own life, and I'm willing to bet you'll have a newfound appreciation for these "fading" moments you're still alive to be a part of too.

A toast to the the tomatoes of tomorrow!

And hey, do you know what this also means? Even if your parents, your friends, your lover, your very life "fades out..." guess what... another set of eyes are gonna open. A new life will begin, soon/long after your life ends.

And just as you didn't seem to experience anything except stillness and silence prior to you opening your own eyes and everything "faded in / began" so will it be for them. The universe of mindfulness you're experiencing right now is exactly the way it will feel behind their eyelids.

And, sure, perhaps eventually they will also get on this pessimistic bandwagon of wondering why it's all gotta "fade out" and "end" ...at which point, I imagine, another stranger like me will say the same thing to them that I'm telling you :P

You didn't kill your mom.

You might blame yourself for not paying closer attention to her symptoms or for being preoccupied with anime/games.

You might even feel guilty in the general sense, for taking her for granted, for not telling her you loved her often enough, etc, things of that nature.

But you didn't kill her.

I can't tell if you just went for a clickbait title or if your sense of loss and/or guilt and/or responsibility and/or shame really is making you believe that extreme version of the narrative in your own mind.

Either way, the best advice I can give is to remind you that:

• she was a generation older than you and -- barring fatal accidents or unforseen medical complications altering the life-expectancy of you or your sister -- she was almost certainly guarenteed to have died long before you did. As is the course of nature. Not your fault.
• it actually does sound like you did a lot. I mean, let's face it, given that you're not a medical professional it is not your fault that you didn't discern any serious problem with your mom right away. But, you did ask her, repeatedly. You called the doc despite your own mother's protests and he prescribed the same pill for gastric problems that your mother intuited. You checked in on her pain afterwards too and once again she reassured you. You don't inhabit her body or experience her nerve endings, so the next best thing you can rely on is her word and the word of experts like the doc on the phone who gave you an educated guess as to the most likely cause for the pain. And if you're still gonna guilt yourself over the fact that you dared to take a bathroom break or watch something onscreen in between, you didn't continue to pester her for redundant confirmations like a good and loving son would have done, staring at her without blinking all the while... "ok. u killed y--" oh wait, what am I saying, even your own mom had a side convo with your sister while watching TV. And this was after you fed her and got her second dose of meds that she said were relieving her pain. Seriously, you're being way too hard on yourself about this. You did what you could and had no further control beyond what you did.
• I'd also remind you that, setting the events of that day aside for the moment and looking at your time together holistically... you have an entire lifetime's worth of memories to draw from. Without guilt nor shame, savour and cherish them and keep your mother alive in your memories -- trust me, she wouldn't want her son to be unfair to himself either. And if you really think you could have been better in that situation, practice being more present with your sister and other family and loved ones who are still here.

You have my earnest, utmost and sincerest condolences for your loss.

Words like this will only seem like an empty gesture or serve as a meaningless plattitude, I know, but even if we're not family -- one human to another -- I love you and we care about your well being.

Take care of yourself and remember that your mother would want to see her son thriving rather than be crushed by self-loathing blame-games.

---

P.S.

I tried to not visit the night my grandfather died. I could never understand his mumbles and his hands were so shaky. And besides, Toonami was gonna be in about 90 min.

But my dad didn't buy my excuses so we went.

Halfway through the visit I pretended to feel sick, once again, so I can get back home to catch some cartoons. I was back home watching Transformers when the call came in...

...so, yeah, I can sorta understand where you're coming from a bit. Not completely, but I do kinda relate ngl.

pea pull r diff rent frm ewe. if u no like, dnt in tar net

There. Inarticulate and illiterate enough for your personal preference of conveniently short and overly simplified reductionist homogeneity?

bettr? u happy naow?? huhh???

@Ashish_ said in Most Evil thing:

WTF THIS USER NEVER ANSWERS WITH A SHORT REPLY

1. It's been 10+ years since those events took place, and I hadn't told a single soul till now. I think my self-imposed vow-of-silence affords me some leeway in being as vocal as I choose to be when I finally spill the tea.
2. More generally speaking, this user is... using a.. forum. An open forum. A public forum. A place where people can post as much or as little content as they so desire.

The site isn't called "Talk with terse strangers" it's "Talk with strangers" so expect to come across a myriad of widely and wildly fluctuating variation of people from all different walks of life expressing themselves in a plethora of ways.

If you're not quite ready to face that music, I suggest you take a break from the internet, cuz it's not gonna get any easier for you the deeper you dive into it ¯_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

@The-Mods said in Most Evil thing:

I didnt judge ur action cz I already assume it should be bad since I asked yall to mention an evil action u did ...Plus u assume a lot of shit like " we are a gang coming together to fuck with u " lol

First of all, I was employing satirical humor lol. Secondly, it doesn't really matter tbh. And I wrote as much in my original post, that a lot of judgement might come my way simply because I chose to answer this Q as candidly as I did (and/or because I did so without showing remorse for my "most evil thing" too)

So in a sense I was already preemptively prepared for this sort of bias since most people would readily prefer your evil simple story about stealing chocolate bars or handkerchiefs vs stealing somewhere between $8K ≥ $10K from a girl in mourning by exploiting her (physical and emotional) needs, manipulating her inexperience (with relationships and money management), and preying on her fears (of not doing enough to "earn" my affections + constantly reminding her that without me she'd once again be all alone in this world)

One is literally child's play, and is so generic that it could apply to anyone (though that also a strength since it means almost everyone could relate to some variation of your story) whereas the other story describes an individual with a "disturbing" lack of moral conscience (though I myself don't feel disturbed. Even over a decade after reflecting on the events and finally sharing it with the world, I still chose to admit in the present day that looking back I genuinely don't feel conflicted about it)

But here's the rub: On principle is not "stealing a handkerchief sticking out from their pocket / a chocolate bar while shopping at the supermarket" etc just as opportunistic as I was when I rushed to her dorm room an hour after the news to take advantage of her instability?

I'm not saying the scale or duration is comparable at all.

• Scale: one is a momentary slight of hand of a ~$1-10 dollar item whereas I played prolonged mind-games to steal ~10000-1000x times that value
• Duration: and after I successfully got my hooks into her posing as potential bf material during that closing window of uniquely lucrative opportunity (the day of + the following week, right after the memorial) I didn't decide to just sit back and wait to capitalize on her emotional investment in me at a later date.
  • I let my little social-engineering experiment run it's course and play out over the following weeks.
  • And when the money finally started flooding my way, I continued the con for months on end to get as much as I possibly could.
  • Even when the money eventually dried up, I kept her hooked for the free labor and supplies around the house... plus other physically gratifying benefits

So, yeah, I get it. It's just not the same... when it comes to the degree to which I took it. But... y'all were operating on the same principle whenever you stole from your family and let your cousin or whoever else took the fall, whenever you decided this little snack-able bar will benefit me, or when you simply chose to pickpocket a stranger just to see if you could do it, just cuz, for the shts and giggles. Et cetera. Et cetera.

But hey, it is what it is. People will upvote the "silly, simple" moments of mischief, and they'll downvote my "cruel, callous" months of manipulation... even though the topic quite literally asks us to like the "Most Evil thing"

But let's be perfectly honest here, none of y'all can actually pretend to be better than me when the principle of the problem still stands: we will act selfishly (and/or throw others under a bus while doing it) whenever it suits our needs. Welcome to the human condition.

Friendly FYI that I've also acted altruistically.

• I've helped to build houses for the homeless in partnership with Habitats for Humanity in Houston.
• I've voluntarily worked at soup-kitchens in Dallas feeding the starving.
• I've donated money to charities in New York (liquidating something like ~85-90% of what I had, out of my own pocket, to do it)
• I've tutored college applicants and incoming freshmen students in San Francisco.
• I spearheaded an after-school comp-sci educational program at a middle-school.
  • Also volunteered for their pre-existing summer-school program and took those kids on a trip to a robotics competition!
• I've even put on puppet shows for children in after feeding them in daycares.
• Temped at a nursing home.
• Also at a hospital.
• Not to mention the literal hundreds if not thousand plus hours I've put in for various churches over the years.

All for free, without expecting any form of compensation in return (okay, I did end up getting paid for the summer-school gig, but that's besides the point lol cuz that's not why I chose to do it)

And hey, I'm sure y'all have had such selfless moments as well. Good for you. Once again, welcome to the human condition.

The only key differentiator I've perceived (thus far, at least) is that I don't pretend to be evil when I'm using other people, nor do I pretend to be righteous when I'm helping other people. I'm aware that those are the classifications most people place on such actions, but there are a subset of people like me who don't do it because we're emotionally disgusted by / driven to such horrible / laudable actions. We do the "evil / good" things simply because we chose to, and the labels that get placed on them is really by the rest of society.

Of course, I live amongst you in such a society, so I try to keep my supposedly "wicked" deeds to a minimum and I indulge in "virtuous" acts whenever the whim strikes me, because -- once again -- that's what y'all seem to value... but take notice that, yet again, I'm doing so out of a self-centered sense of preservation (and, perhaps, to a degree it could be considered selfless too in that I'm promoting "do more good than bad" to others around me since I like living in this sort of society too. But that's more of a minor side-effect really of my selfish desire to survive amongst you emotionally driven lot)

Anyway, the TL;DR version is that I don't think I've ever been able to adequately empathize with another -- regardless of whether it's a morally righteous or morally reprehensible act I'm engaging in at the time. I'm not driven to volunteer at a homeless shelter because my heart breaks for the plight of the downtrodden. I just decided to do so. Simply being "good for goodness' sake" so to speak, is enough for me to act. Likewise, I didn't use a dead mother's money meant for her daughter to live rent free for a quarter of that year just cuz I am villainous or evil lmao. The schemes were merely a means to an end, period. I thought I could pull off a con pretending to be something she desired and needed, I decided to go through with the plan, and I stuck the landing. It really was as simple as that.

Now... if any of y'all think that my lack of empathy when engaging in such actions (whether the rest of you in society classify and label them as "good" or "bad, "right" or wrong", "Im/Moral" etc) is problematic, we can probably discuss that. That's a key differentiator that I've noticed over the last 15 years between myself and the vast majority of other people that I've met.

But setting aside the elements of emotional revulsion vs revelry in "Most Evil / Most Righteous" deeds (which y'all clearly experience and yet I do not) yeah lol y'all can't and don't get to pretend that you've got some moral high ground over me.

As difficult as this maneuver may be for some of you, try to climb on down from your holier-than-thou moral-high-horse and be level-headed with me. Look me in the eye and tell me none of you have ever acted in a selfish manner before. Or try to point your finger at me and pretend that I'm incapable of acting in a selfless manner. The second you do, I'm gonna call BS.

We're all human here, and as such every single one of us is perfectly capable of both. My motivations might differ from yours (for the record, I feel that emotionally motivated acts of charity or crime are inconsistent -- you're just window-shopping ...which is probably why I have no problem going to the extreme lengths I do when volunteering down in the ditches selflessly or selfishly manipulating people in my past relationships for physical or financial gain) but neither one of us can escape the impetus to "evil" nor the impulse to "good"

So go ahead everyone, give me the "most downvotes" for truly representing the "most evil thing" this question specifically asked us to reveal lmao. I may take it farther than some of you do, but you're no different from me because you're all capable and willing to do it to whenever it suits your needs, wants and desires (albiet, in smaller degrees, cuz pretty soon y'all tend to "feel bad" smh. And then, somehow, I'M considered some lower level of sub-human? Simply cuz I stuck to it and acted consistently unlike the rest of you?? lmfaooo nope I don't think so, y'all are just as despicable and deplorable as me, you just save face after doing it and I don't care cuz I know exactly what I am and I stay true to form ☯️ #YinYang #DichotomousDuality #WelcomeToTheHumanCondition)

@The-Mods said in Most Evil thing:

@erikagautney It was not me who downvoted ur reply

Oh... ok, well, fair enough @The-Mods

It happened right around the same time you replied, so it seemed to correlate ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But if you say so, I'll take your word for it 👍🏼

@Ash33 youtube.com/results?search_query=dopamine+detox

America's Obsession With Being Productive Is Hurting Mental Health

• A simple side-effect of the pandemic?
• Or is it symptomatic of a deeper problem endemic to 21st century capitalist culture?

As someone who is in a highly competitive field + who personally happened to be a productivity nerd long before I decided to go down this career path (I can tell you how many pomodorii I allocated for TWS today vs how many of those cycles I spent on R&D. That's right, that's how geeked out I can get on the daily about efficiency and time+task management) I can definitely relate to some of the sentiments shared in this article.

That said, while this seems to be a widespread phenomenon, my experience isn't necessarily the same as yours: I'd be curious to hear others' thoughts, ideas and insights on this topic.

---

Those questions are open to anyone from the general TWS audience who may find this topic either timely or relevant, by all means feel free to chime in!

But I'm especially encouraging any of my fellow "productivity pr0n" enthusiasts who employ all sorts of methodologies and techniques like daily Pomodoro cycles and weekly Agile sprints or GTD project-plans for the month plus quarterly reviews etc etc in their jobs and/or life to keep themselves focused, effective and highly performant individuals:

• What's your work-life balance like? or is it actually a myth to pretend that there is any such a line of separation between the rat-race and your need or drive to hustle?
• In retrospect, has your mental-health and well-being suffered for constantly being under this state of daily+weekly+monthly+quarterly performance-pressure? Also is your sense of self-worth somehow tied to your net-worth (or some other metric of measurement indicative of how much value you output)?

Again, it's open to all, but I'm hoping to find others like me on here who perhaps owns a bunch of books dedicated to productivity and/or has a dedicated RSS feed for productivity blogs and/or has a Read It Later section tagged with productivity articles and/or has a notbook full of book and article highlights as well as personal scribbles on how to be more productive and/or listens to podcasts on productivity and/or is in a Discord or Slack community centered on productivity and/or have taken courses on productivity and/or have started their own accountability group to encourage my fellow peers and underclassmen with weekly coaching on productivity... as if I somehow knew more than them lmaoooo I'm just caught up in this craze that's it, point, blank, period.

If I'm the only freak who got this hooked on phonics productivity and all the meta-strategies one could take towards that end -- feel free to ignore those last few questions. But... I have the sneaking suspicion that some of y'all got bit by this bug too. Perhaps not as bad as me lol but I'm willing to bet that some of y'all have books/blogs/whatever on the topic bookmarked in the name of self-betterment -- when, potentially, there's an element of self-sacrifice at play here "but it's in the name of productivity and producing profits so don't question the American capitalistic worker-drone dream" ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

@The-Mods no need to "feel" or "smell" that I don't lol, I say as much. A number of different times, actually.

So yes, assuming you can trust that I'm telling the truth, you actually do know I don't feel regret nor pride for my actions -- whether that's something y'all would consider "selfless and virtuous" like volunteering at a homeless shelter (which I've done) or "selfish and scheming" like shilling someone out of their inheritance (my answer to this question)

I act in accordance with who I am, through and through. I am not remorseful, nor am I prideful, I simply act as I am compelled to and I stay true to my nature whether that act is deemed to be "evil" or "benevolent" by others.

---

Also... why'd I get a downvote? 😅

Lol I was only answering your question truthfully and honestly! 😤

Are you punishing me for doing exactly what you asked of us? 🤔

• And besides, all this sudden activity and visibility on your topic/question is precisely because of that first post I wrote 📈
• There were 0 replies for the first 24 hours straight and then as soon as my reply goes live *boom* 5 or 6 posts back to back and a corresponding uptick in views 👀
• So... y'all are gonna try to bury my inconvenient and/or unpalatable answer (which was the cause for this traffic) now that this topic has finally gained some traction? 😭

*gasps in feigned revulsion* that is "the most evil thing" you could do 👿

Don't hate on me if you don't like the answer to this sort of a question 🤣

Perhaps you shouldn't have asked a question about the most extreme degrees of "evil" a person's actions can possibly take 🙊 if you simultaneously have a 🙈 "see no evil, hear no evil"🙉 policy as well?

Seems kindof counterproductive considering the sort of answers you know you're gonna invariably get (╬ ಠ益ಠ)

I manipulated an emotionally vulnerable girl out of a sizable portion of what was meant to be her inheritance.

I knew the weeks following the death of her only surviving parent would be tremendously difficult for her to cope with.

1. Especially since I already knew she had unresolved daddy issues which she used to vocally whine about from time to time prior to that point.
2. I also knew that in contrast to the father she never got to know since he walked out on her family soon after she was born, she considered her single mother a saint for raising her -- as well as her judgemental step-siblings who were always hard on her...

...it was the perfect storm. An emotional mine-field she was ill-prepared to navigate at the time... and I knew that if I just made myself available to her, I'd be seen as an indispensable godsend, unquestionably virtuous despite any ill intentions and ulterior motives I might harbor against her. And so, sure enough, when I saw her so distraught... I decided to take advantage.

---

Did I comfort her? Sure... in fact, I made sure to do her on the very same day that she got the news, before she left our college campus to return to her hometown and make funeral arrangements with her step-family.

Ok, I'll stop revealing how disgustingly opportunistic I was.

So anyway, did I console her WITH WORDS rather than making her feel physically wanted? Sure... except, everything I said was designed and calculated to benefit me in the long run, none of those words she wanted to hear were uttered because I actually truly cared about her one bit, I simply saw her as a giant payday. So I milked her melancholy out with my feigned sympathies for all it was worth, knowing that once I got what I wanted out of her I'd discard her without a second thought.

Ok, I'll stop disgusting you with how sordid my scheming was.

Oh, wait, did I say that I fk'd her within an hour of her getting the phone call informing her of her mother's death? I forgot to mention another example of how incredibly punctual I can be: I did her again a week later... right after the memorial service.

Oh gosh, why the bloody hell am I confessing to how creepy and contrived my machinations can be?!?!

Anyway, I'll stop with the specifics and more generically say "in the weeks that followed the funeral she continued to rely on me for physical comfort as well as an emotional crutch during this time fraught with instability" but I just needed to highlight those key moments and how I (in realtime, mind you, i.e. I'm just hearing this news too. And yet somehow, simultaneously, deep inside my mind I discovered... a reptilian side. Some certain specific sociopathic switch in my brain that got flipped before I even realized I was capable of such urges, ambitions, plots and contrivances... but as soon as I became aware it was possible to pull this plan off, I wholeheartedly committed to that vile evil path) I instinctively knew exactly when where and how I would need to make myself available as an ever-present shoulder for her to cry on whenever she had an emotional upheaval, or the ever-present [REDACTED CUZ NSFW] whenever she needed it, wanted it, or really just whenever I saw she was suddenly feeling down and depressed and let her physical guard down in her state of emotional vulnerability, I decided that this was the ideally ripe moment to let this pathetically pitiable girl who had been single all her life to experience her first "romantic" relationship ever (even though there was no real romance involved from my end) as well as the first person who stole her virginity and gave her repeated sexual experiences at every opportunity that her emotional roller-coaster afforded me to which she would eventually come to associate with / label as "making love" (even though, once again, there was no love involved. I was just going through the motions. I was doing her. Like a thing. Like a chore. I was working her up for the express purpose of letting her imprint upon me, so that she'd be more susceptible to grand gestures of love in turn to repay me for being such a "selfless, caring, loving" partner to her)

---

To put a cherry on top of this terrifying tale of moral decay and ethical degeneracy... her mother wasn't even that wealthy, so the chunk I took out of her inheritance actually amounted to a pretty significant percentage overall. But since she was a broke college student who never needed or knew how to manage a sudden influx of money (plus, she had fallen head over heels for me) I managed to rinse a couple of brand new Macs out of her (one of which I would go on to "gift" to my little sister, lmao, pretending to be an altruistic and generous sort of older sibling when in reality I stole from someone else to then pass it off to my little sis as MY own virtue and selflessness, smh I'm deffo going to hell hahaha) an iPad, several other accessories and products from the Apple store but those 3 easily amounted to ~3K (with all the other Apple Store products she purchased for me, I'd say that number is probably closer to 3.5 thou). She paid for my rent for a quarter of that year, 3 months fully paid and not a single cent contributed by me and for the fourth month that she finally helped me with rent we split that one 50/50 so altogether that's another ~2.8 K or so. Let's go ahead and round that up to a nice even 3K. So in total I've swindled her out of 6.5+ thousand at this point, for no other reason than I could make her feel warm and fuzzy when she was feeling depressed plus I could get her hot and bothered too and she attributed all this manipulation to me being her "one true love". Oh and that's not to mention all of the smaller expenses like free food and travel when we went on "dates" (they were such a pain sometimes tbh, she was started to get super clingy at this point... but hey, free sht! lmao) I'm not even gonna bother to hazard a guess as I honestly have no earthly clue how much that added up to but given that we were "together" for just over half a year I imagine it was a hefty chunk of change. 2K? Maybe more? I've no frame of reference, I just know I got to wine and dine her a ton before she would put out for me, and it was all done at her expense.

Oh and here's the kicker, when her inheritance money started drying up and she eventually started budgeting expenses etc she didn't want to eat out as much anymore, but she still insisted on eating together and spending time etc and before I knew it she started grocery shopping and basically restocked the entire pantry with ingredients. I still didn't know she'd done this and I was gonna break up with her that day cuz the money wasn't flowing my way as often as I wanted anymore so I just thought well eff it this was the end of the ride, right? But then she showed me all this lmao and at first I was still just gonna go "wow so nice btw we're over gtfo mmkaythnxbyyyeeeeee" but when she insisted on coming over to cook me meals at least 3 or more times per-week I suddenly held my tongue cuz -- once again -- the master manipulator within me saw this as one more of those key opportunistic moments... and oh boy did I capitalize tf out of it. I hit her with a "...bae, yaknow what would go great with dinner at home that would make our nights together an infinitely better and unforgettable new experience?" one thing led to another, and voila, she's paying me money to buy drugs. Like, as a compliment to the food. Like a "doesn't this pair well with that" sorta thing lmao. Sure I tried to sell it as "it'll be more intimate than a public outing date, trust me boo we'll fall deeper in love than ever before if you do this for -er - I mean with me" but I don't think even she bought that logic lmao But even though she'd never smoked before, she saw that I wanted to "share" this with her and she trusted me, so she caved in. It didn't last very long lol, this was towards the end of our "I'm using you-ship" but still, I wanna say I got free weed-money from her every week, sometimes even multiple times per-week, for like... the last.. 1.5? Maybe even the last 2 months straight, idk that period of time is a bit of a hazy memory for obvious reasons lol. And especially that last month, it wasn't a weekly thing anymore. Plus that was the month she got stingy on me and didn't want to cough up the total rent money despite everything I did for her ungrateful ass. Eh, but watevs, it was still a fun ride while it lasted. I know this is gonna sound like a prn script lol but seriously it's based on real events I actually lived through so just imagine it: wrapping up classes and instead of heading home swinging by to pick up a little green something from your plug. I open the door to the scents of a warm, delicious, fresh home-cooked meal made with love from a person I see as more of a chef or a maid but who is too clueless to know any better. I plop down on the couch (I used to sit at the table for her to serve me, but we soon dropped this tradition of formality and migrated to the couch for 2 reasons: the TV kept me distracted from the annoying parts of the convo plus the couch allowed her to comfortably... well.. keep reading;) and put on some pirated movie she or I wanted to watch while I loaded up the bong. She'd bring out the plates and drinks and we'd eat, smoke and cuddle as we watched. And then, pretty soon after the weed was in her system she'd loser a lot of her inhibitions and, like clockwork, she'd become this insatiably aroused succubus intent on sucking my soul out of my [REDACTED]. Just... just take that in, lol. I'm not tryina be disgusting, I'm just highlighting how I'm living like a king and not paying a single cent for any of it. I'm eating eating free food (and not only free, but custom catered to my tastes as she learns the recipies for my favorite dishes) but also just cuz I've got the munchies from all the bong-rips (the bong was also paid-for by her btw, forgot to mention that lmao) I'm taking in between. Smoking free weed that I was paid to procure for this very moment of enjoying quality entertainment onscreen that I also stole rather than paid for oh and I'm getting head from a dumb naive girl who insists on taking "cummercial breaks" as she calls them (which makes no goddamn sense since this isn't live TV or even something streamed from the internet, but hey, I thought it was kinda cute but also nutty... pun intended) and just omg wtf bbq that last 1 or 1.5 month period was an absolute heavenly experience of just rinsing and repeating this same scene in infinite variations. I convinced her to cook for me 4 nights a week too. And in the beginning we didn't fk, but then I never saw a reason to let her sleep over at my place if she wasn't gonna put out either, so idk whether she caught onto that or it was simply a more subconscious decision cuz she became more susceptible to suggestion as she slowly but surely became a pothead but somewhere in the beginning or middle of that second week of this routine it gradually became just a guaranteed given that she'd obediently lift her skirt for me at the end of our meal and movie (sometimes even before finishing the movie lol) and so I'd allow her stay the night with me as we went at it for hours on end into the night.

---

But all good things come to an end, I suppose. If that 1.5 month period was an unexpected but incredible highlight, the last month long period where we were still "officially together" was a downward spiral. I still got free meals, free weed, and she still spread her legs, but it was happening less often and there was so much animosity in the air in the interim that she kinda killed my vibe even when we were highfk'ing. It was starting to feel like a chore again. I didn't mind that at the beginning, as distasteful as I found her as a person, I looked at it as a job I was working -- and the job was to work her into feeling indebted to me. But now this bish was a crazy clingy "gf". The money was drying up too, so she got more stingy about giving me free sht. Idk, at a certain point it just no longer seemed worth it. So I pulled the ripcord.

It's not a stretch, given her fragile personality and volatile temperament, to assume that she was probably devastated... but I honestly have no clue since I gave her the cold shoulder right after I dumped her. She probably felt discarded like a piece of trash. She probably felt used. Manipulated. And all of that is true. I saw her as a feebleminded girl before the tragic news of her mother's death, and as soon as that happened (I swear this part wasn't premeditated, it caught me just as much by surprise as it probably shocked you to read it, but it's true) some part of my mind realized I could exploit this weakness of hers and -- in an instant -- I decided to go through with it. And I just kept thinking on my feet, kept scheming, and -- surprisingly -- I just kept sticking the landing each time.

• From the moment I first caught up to her while she was a gross sobbing mess packing her bags and.... "comforted" her knowing she was already an impressionable girl and in that moment in a particularly vulnerable state, I knew I had my hooks in her.
• A week later, right after the memorial for her dead mother, I cumforted her again.
• And again, and again, in the weeks and months that followed till she grew dependent on me in body, mind and at heart.
• After that first month (i.e. about ~2 weeks after the funeral) it stopped feeling like a chore. Sure, she was still my mark and I was working her nonstop, but it honestly felt like I was on auto-pilot just responding with the words she wanted to hear or the gestures she needed to see -- I never felt bad about what I was doing to her, but at this point it didn't even feel like that much effort either.
• A month or two after that, i.e. a little under halfway through the lifecycle of our relationship, she was more often happy to be with me than she had manic depressive mood swings, and at that point I was outright enjoying myself. I never felt bad for what I did to her, and during this period I was get so much puss and tech and cuisine and I got to travel (no gas money either lmao) and just omg such a rich and lavish lifestyle, while I spent the absolute minimal pennies on the dollar.
• When that money stopped rolling in I almost prematurely cut her loose, but surprise surprise, I got one more month of near constant gratuitous servitude and sensual ecstasy out of her. It wasn't riches in the sense of financial gain, but I felt like an absolute fkin king not even gonna lie.
• And then... that last month or so? Yyyeeaahh, it was back to being. a chore trying to maintain her emotional stability while she went all crazy psycho suspicious of my motives and everything that, quite frankly, a few of the times we were doing it I was hatefking her. It got quite toxic, for the both of us.

I think the reason I didn't feel too bad for lying and manipulating her heart and body for my needs was she got some much needed stability and a seemingly selfless bf out of it. That's a victimless crime, right?

I mean, I stole something like ≤ 10K from her purse, but like, she was HAPPY to dote on me right?

FYI I honestly can't be sure about that 10K figure. Around ~$8K-ish, for sure - possibly more, but I can't be certain beyond that.
It's not like I was aiming for a specific number as a target, I was just focused on keeping her physically hooked and emotionally dependent upon me for as long as I could get her to spit out money. And she was damn easy to fool too, I just had to repeatedly reassure her that she's "my girl" and that I'm "proud of you" to reinforce whatever behavior that I wanted and like a bish in heat she'd happily comply. She was so needy, afraid of "not belonging" / "being alone again" after finally experiencing what it's like to have a "bf" who "loved" her that she was willing to do whatever to took to keep me around and make sure I was happy with her, no matter the cost... even if it meant there was a literal cold-hard-cash cost conditional to my feigned affections for her

Even when she didn't have much more money to offer me as repayment for all that hard work I put into being the ideal bf she needed, I still let her feel useful to me in other capacities cuz it's what made her happy (and, incidentally, brought me a literal fkton of pleasure too on soooo many different levels lmaoo).

Sure, I'm an asshole for making her feel indebted and that she had to pay me back for all my many different "kindnesses" which were nothing more than calculated and tactical decisions of feigned friendship or passion, but she never once felt like the victim, she wasn't hurt, she was happy.

But that last month... without any more free gifts, much slower and stingier cash dispenses for expenses, and more than anything just the paranoid conspiracy theories she'd pull outta her ass about what I'm doing to her - even if she was still regularly bending over for me it just didn't feel right anymore. It wasn't pleasurable, even though she kept trying to please me, all the sht I had to deal with in between made what was supposed to be the dessert to my free meals feel laborious. She was a chore I had to deal with, once more.

Actually, not even "once more" because there was a clear reward coming I could focus on when I worked her up for me at the start. Now, she's just wound up for no real reason (well, except for the obvious reason that her suspicions are spot on and she's right to be wary of me no reason at all, she's just a crazy bish) and expending all this energy just to soothe and unwind her felt less and less worthwhile.

So, one day, just as instantly as I decided to go through with this sociopathic stratagem, I just decided to stop being her emotional crutch... a support system I knew she already sorely needed, and perhaps even more so after I just tornado'ed my way right tf through her life cleaning her out financially and using her up physically for everything she's worth. But I never checked in on her after that, so idk if she became a self-sufficient and independent woman or if she found some other poor guy to replace me in dealing with her near-constant whining and insecurities.

---

So... that's my confession. Lol. I probably should've just said that first para which sounded bad enough and left the details to your imagination, but... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I've never come clean about this to anyone before so I figured why the hell not.

For the record, I know what I did was wrong. I just... I can't explain it any better than there was a moment of sudden and pure ideation (I wouldn't even classify it as stereotypical "evil genius" lmao it just... sorta happened) and then, just as quickly, I decided to commit. At no point did I feel bad about it. I still don't feel bad about it, which is strange to say since I expected some sort of cathartic... idk, something, when I wrote all this up. But nope. I saw her as a weak sort of woman even before this transpired. And what led me to inject myself into her life was... idk, but it wasn't an emotional or "evil" impetus. Idk how to explain it really. I saw a critical 0-day vulnerability and decided to exploit that, and in order to do that the timing of my attack had to be immediate, calculated and crucial. A + B = C it's as simple as that. What's more, this decision and action all happened in realtime. I found out the news, I compiled everything I knew about her character in my head, in an instant. I decided to drop by her dorm room before she had a chance to leave town and drown surrounded by family's sorrows by clinically, in a carefully contrived manner, offering to fulfill all her needs instead.

It's an admittedly despicable tactic, especially since I did it primarily for monetary gain (and at a certain point, I just kept continuing it for the physical benefits she afforded me by way of food and drugs and sex. No lavish lifestyle or expensive gifts anymore, but I still kept her hooked and kept the con going, just cuz... how could I stop when she made it so damned easy to wring out every single thing I possibly could out of her?!?) but I DIDN'T FEEL BAD and I STILL DO NOT FEEL BAD.

I don't believe in heaven or hell, but if there does turn out to be an afterlife, I know there'll be a special circle of hell dedicated for assholes like me.

Or if I'm reincarnated, it'll likely be as a dung beetle.

If karma is a thing, I'll probably end up marrying a gold digger or something, and if that happens I'd say I definitely deserve it and some sort of cosmic scale of justice was finally righted. Fine

But... I just don't feel "evil" lmao. Intellectually, I know how f'ed up it was. But spiritually? I don't believe in that sort of thing. Emotionally? The worst I ever felt was frustration or irritation sometimes at how much maintenance her emotional needs required, I never actually felt I was a toxic influence on her and in fact when she started to suspect me of not truly caring about her I felt that SHE actually made this perfectly pleasant give-and-take dynamic of our "relationship" turn into something truly unpleasant and toxic with no clear benefits for either side.

Idk. I just know that I'm capable of this. I've never done anything like that before her, nor after, but not because the idea sounded abhorrent to me before nor because I found myself horrified by what I'd done after. I just never ever even thought along those lines before that unique opportunity, and when I did, it was perfectly in-line with my personality to try it just to see if I could pull it off. And... yeah, I guess I do know from experience now that I'm capable of something like this. But I've never felt the urge or impulse to do so again.

This isn't the only time I've been manipulative in a relationship, but it is certainly the "worst" as you normal humans might classify it. Likewise, I've cheated people out of money before, heck I've even done it (repeatedly) to my immediate family. I don't really feel guilt over it. I don't think I'm a sociopath, but I can't exactly pretend I don't have sociopathic tendencies. I'm generally an empowering sort of individual, but these are historical data points that clearly demonstrate I can rob someone of their emotional ability to be independent as well as steal their chance at financial independence. Heck, this very account that I made about 5 years ago was created for the express purpose of catfishing and toying with people, just for shts and giggles - though after registering it, I became a suddenly opted to become a silent observer rather than a wolf in sheep's clothing. On the other hand, once I finally became active on here about a month ago I've done nothing but be completely transparent about my perspectives and encourage others wherever I thought I could. I can't exactly predict or explain why I do the things I do, I just know that whenever I decide to go through with something I don't feel any regret/remorse nor pride/delight in doing so. It's just... so unequivocally "me" (even if I'd never considered that path prior to that point, as was the case of this story writ above) that I decide to follow through with it - whether that's 5 years of not catfishing y'all, a literal decade of not opting nor caring to be in a relationship with anyone cuz I got bored of the mind games, or the many different manipulative plays I made in all my relationships prior (including this incredibly lucrative 6+ month sprint I just shared), or even the genuine attempts at care and connection I made before that. I seem to oscillate between "good" to "evil" and sometimes even just "amoral" but in those moments, it feels like the most sane decision to adhere to.

I'm definitely not a saint, nor can you just oversimplify me to be a sinner as both "saint" and "sinner" are too reductionist in lieu of the truth: I am a bit of both (as, perhaps, are we all). Right now, in this moment, I'm clearly being an absolute tool... but transparently so. Is there value in being a transparent tool? I'm not sure. But it seemed like as good a time as any to come clean, so I just went with it, whatever judgements come my way ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Toh-may-tow vs Toh-mah-toe

Sure, but it's also fair to say "everything fades in..." too

And we can play this sort of semantic game with anything really.

• "We lose focus" vs "we gain perspective"
• "The final end" vs "the new beginning"
• Light can't exist without darkness
• Nor can good in a vacuum without evil

If you'll pardon me shamelessly stealing a quote from an anime villain, just because I find it quite poignant:

"And what is so good about being "good" anyway? It is the selfish desire to maintain peace imposed by pacifist do-gooders that breeds dissent, and then violence, and inevitable wars -- and thus, "hate" is born to protect "love" once more. This is the nature of our reality"

So you see, as @justB already pointed out, you can always find a way to look at the glass as half-empty ot half-full - it just depends on your disposition, really.

A necessary compromise

Given this curiously dichotomous nature that permeates and perpetuates virtually every aspect of our lived experiences, I think it's far more accurate to be a realist and observe the fact that "everything changes" rather than falling prey to the pessimistic perspective ("everything fades out / glass half empty") or trying to continually maintain the optimistic alternative ("everything fades in / glass half full)

Because, when taking a holistic view of this peculiar state of affairs (i.e. when not showing bias or partiality on way or the other) this is what really resonates the truest - or at least, it seems to be the most sane position to hold to someone like me.

My own personal take rambles

If you take a peek at my profile, you'll notice that on the "favorite quote" section I wrote

"πάντα ῥεῖ ☯️ vis-à-vis ♊️ fēlīx culpa"

This is actually a mixture of 3 separate phrases, as well as an amalgamation of 3 distict languages.

1. The first portion, in Greek, is transliterated as "panta rhei" which translates to "all flows" or "everything goes"
2. The second segment, in French, means "through" or "via" or "face-to-face with" or "in corresponding counterpoint to"
3. The third part, in Latin, literally means something like "the happy flaw" or "the blessed fault" but it has a deeper theological connotation to it. Our flaws, of course, cause us to fall from grace and fail. But we must also be sure to credit this same fatal fault for always searching, seeking, striving, for another way out, a better solution, to make amends, to redeem ourselves somehow, no matter how hopeless the case.

Or if you prefer Hebrew, we have the Yetzer Ha-Rav just as we have the Yetzer Ha-Tov (the inclination to do evil and the impulse to do good, respectively) but the most interesting point to take note here is that Adam didn't have the preference towards either when he was still just adamah i.e. a creature formed from earth or clay. It was only when God filled his nostrils with ruach (which, yes, means "the breath of life"... but more importantly, it also alludes to a "divine wind", or even a "holy spirit") that he was transformed into a living being... and, somewhere in the far recesses of his mind, now held the potential to stray. In other words, the propensity for mischief, as well as virtue and honor, is inherent in our soul, our spirit, our very essence. It is our God-given birthright and lifelong inheritance. It is who we are, through and through: wanderers wondering why we are so wayward.

Sorry, I got stuck on the 3rd point for a while there lol. Anyway, taking all 3 together, what the heck is it that I'm trying to say exactly?

Well... It all changes. Everything flows. Nothing lasts. Not your parents, nor your children. Not the people you love, nor those you harbor hate towards. It all emerges from, and dissipates back into, the endlessly flowing river of time.

And hand in hand with this realization we eventually have to come to terms with the fact that we're not exactly an innocent and innocuous passive observer to it all. We're right in the thick of it and our choices impact how rich or how poor those experiences can be.

So accept yourself, even when you change and grow, because at your core you are still you. Be present in the moment, however magnificent the mistake or however horrifying the triumph, whether you classify the glass as half full or half empty, you drink in the moment and savor the bittersweet memory for what it is. Because "this too, shall pass"

Or as @justB put it far more aptly, _"Memento mori" i.e. "be mindful of death". Why do you think the likes of Shakespeare had a skull by his writing desk? Trust us, it's not nearly as depressing as the advice may sound lol. Indeed, it's actually an incredibly rich fertilizing agent for the mind, to remind yourself of how precious and fleeting the mortal coil is. It drove his creativity, it drives my own urge to eke out every last ounce of experience in my own life, and I'm willing to bet you'll have a newfound appreciation for these "fading" moments you're still alive to be a part of too.

A toast to the the tomatoes of tomorrow!

And hey, do you know what this also means? Even if your parents, your friends, your lover, your very life "fades out..." guess what... another set of eyes are gonna open. A new life will begin, soon/long after your life ends.

And just as you didn't seem to experience anything except stillness and silence prior to you opening your own eyes and everything "faded in / began" so will it be for them. The universe of mindfulness you're experiencing right now is exactly the way it will feel behind their eyelids.

And, sure, perhaps eventually they will also get on this pessimistic bandwagon of wondering why it's all gotta "fade out" and "end" ...at which point, I imagine, another stranger like me will say the same thing to them that I'm telling you :P