I killed my mom!

[Nonchalant_abyss]

It has been 40+ days since it happened but it haunts me in my dreams every single night. Her voice repeatedly saying "My chest hurts". Me repeatedly asking "has it become any better now?"

It happened on a Sunday and I was obviously on wfh watching anime and playing games in between. Around 10 in the morning she approached me telling it hurts a bit in the chest. I looked at her scared, what are you telling ur brother(younger one) had an heart attack just a few months before, you could be having the same now. She was like,
Nahh.. it's the usual gastrick issue, I will set it right with the home remedy.
Me: We are going to the clinic now!!!
She: Don't make a fuss... it's jst a gastrick issue... besides the clinic is closed...its Sunday!!

I thought may be she was right its the usual issue, but to be on the safer side I contacted the doctor and asked his advise... he too suggested the same and prescribed a tablet.

She took the tablet and said she felt like the pain has eased a bit. So very conveniently i thought that's it... like they said just the usual gastric issue.

Then again like I usually do I repeatedly kept asking her if she was okay... has the pain eased any further?
And everytime I asked she was like... yea it sort of eased up the pain a bit but its not completely gone...
I was afraid... I pestered her to visit the hospital... she was like its already noon... tomorrow first thing in the morning... we will go to the clinic for sure, besides I have to take two tablets right? Jst taken one and it eased the pain a bit... jst wait for the second one... it will be gone completely.

Convinced, I went back to working, watching anime and gaming. It was night, got her some food and the second tablet. She took it and was watching TV talking with my sister as usual and I was working seriously cause I was too busy gaming and watching anime all day... now I have to finish the work before midnight... I got glued to my laptop.

Outta nowhere my sister started screaming... I rushed to living room and saw my mom suffocating.... struggling to take the next breath... three breaths is all she managed to take... unable to take in the fourth she fell unconscious.

With her head on my lap, we rushed her to the hospital, me yelling at her to stay with me all the way.
She didn't make it.

I was taking her presence for granted...like "where is she gonna go?" Afterall she is my mom... no way something that drastic is gonna happen to her... she is gonna be there.. with me... through and through. May be someday in the faraway future she might leave me to explore the afterlife but not anytime soon.

But she did leave me on that Sunday night, rather I let her slip away right in front of my eyes. Her death didn't happen suddenly out of nowhere... may be it happened slowly right from the morning and she did say straight to my face for several times that she was hurting in her chest all day long yet I stayed there, ignorant af, paying no mind to her, like it was just another sunday and let her fall dead
She died like its nothing... there she was talking and smiling one minute... and fell dead the next minute.

Unable to digest the fact that she is no more and sunk deep in the guilt of letting her die, here I confess that I killed my mom nonetheless.

[erikagautney]

You didn't kill your mom.

You might blame yourself for not paying closer attention to her symptoms or for being preoccupied with anime/games.

You might even feel guilty in the general sense, for taking her for granted, for not telling her you loved her often enough, etc, things of that nature.

But you didn't kill her.

I can't tell if you just went for a clickbait title or if your sense of loss and/or guilt and/or responsibility and/or shame really is making you believe that extreme version of the narrative in your own mind.

Either way, the best advice I can give is to remind you that:

• she was a generation older than you and -- barring fatal accidents or unforseen medical complications altering the life-expectancy of you or your sister -- she was almost certainly guarenteed to have died long before you did. As is the course of nature. Not your fault.
• it actually does sound like you did a lot. I mean, let's face it, given that you're not a medical professional it is not your fault that you didn't discern any serious problem with your mom right away. But, you did ask her, repeatedly. You called the doc despite your own mother's protests and he prescribed the same pill for gastric problems that your mother intuited. You checked in on her pain afterwards too and once again she reassured you. You don't inhabit her body or experience her nerve endings, so the next best thing you can rely on is her word and the word of experts like the doc on the phone who gave you an educated guess as to the most likely cause for the pain. And if you're still gonna guilt yourself over the fact that you dared to take a bathroom break or watch something onscreen in between, you didn't continue to pester her for redundant confirmations like a good and loving son would have done, staring at her without blinking all the while... "ok. u killed y--" oh wait, what am I saying, even your own mom had a side convo with your sister while watching TV. And this was after you fed her and got her second dose of meds that she said were relieving her pain. Seriously, you're being way too hard on yourself about this. You did what you could and had no further control beyond what you did.
• I'd also remind you that, setting the events of that day aside for the moment and looking at your time together holistically... you have an entire lifetime's worth of memories to draw from. Without guilt nor shame, savour and cherish them and keep your mother alive in your memories -- trust me, she wouldn't want her son to be unfair to himself either. And if you really think you could have been better in that situation, practice being more present with your sister and other family and loved ones who are still here.

You have my earnest, utmost and sincerest condolences for your loss.

Words like this will only seem like an empty gesture or serve as a meaningless plattitude, I know, but even if we're not family -- one human to another -- I love you and we care about your well being.

Take care of yourself and remember that your mother would want to see her son thriving rather than be crushed by self-loathing blame-games.

---

P.S.

I tried to not visit the night my grandfather died. I could never understand his mumbles and his hands were so shaky. And besides, Toonami was gonna be in about 90 min.

But my dad didn't buy my excuses so we went.

Halfway through the visit I pretended to feel sick, once again, so I can get back home to catch some cartoons. I was back home watching Transformers when the call came in...

...so, yeah, I can sorta understand where you're coming from a bit. Not completely, but I do kinda relate ngl.

[Nonchalant_abyss]

First of all, thank you for such an elaborate reply, tbh I wasn't even expecting people to read my post let alone expect such a reply. I am new to TWS, and wen I saw "Confessions" I couldn't help but pour it all out. It was more like a diary note.
I whole heartedly thank you for ur honest reply.

PS: Everything on the post was a honest confession of how I feel, including the title.

[quick4]

No you didn't. Everyone has to go someday. It was her time. I also lost my dad. Blamed myself for a while but I know its no one's fault. They have to go. You need to let it go and move on.

[Nonchalant_abyss]

@quick4 am trying to make peace with this loss, hope time does its thing!

[Nonchalant_abyss]

@quick4 BTW... sorry for your loss.