It has been 40+ days since it happened but it haunts me in my dreams every single night. Her voice repeatedly saying "My chest hurts". Me repeatedly asking "has it become any better now?"
It happened on a Sunday and I was obviously on wfh watching anime and playing games in between. Around 10 in the morning she approached me telling it hurts a bit in the chest. I looked at her scared, what are you telling ur brother(younger one) had an heart attack just a few months before, you could be having the same now. She was like,
Nahh.. it's the usual gastrick issue, I will set it right with the home remedy.
Me: We are going to the clinic now!!!
She: Don't make a fuss... it's jst a gastrick issue... besides the clinic is closed...its Sunday!!
I thought may be she was right its the usual issue, but to be on the safer side I contacted the doctor and asked his advise... he too suggested the same and prescribed a tablet.
She took the tablet and said she felt like the pain has eased a bit. So very conveniently i thought that's it... like they said just the usual gastric issue.
Then again like I usually do I repeatedly kept asking her if she was okay... has the pain eased any further?
And everytime I asked she was like... yea it sort of eased up the pain a bit but its not completely gone...
I was afraid... I pestered her to visit the hospital... she was like its already noon... tomorrow first thing in the morning... we will go to the clinic for sure, besides I have to take two tablets right? Jst taken one and it eased the pain a bit... jst wait for the second one... it will be gone completely.
Convinced, I went back to working, watching anime and gaming. It was night, got her some food and the second tablet. She took it and was watching TV talking with my sister as usual and I was working seriously cause I was too busy gaming and watching anime all day... now I have to finish the work before midnight... I got glued to my laptop.
Outta nowhere my sister started screaming... I rushed to living room and saw my mom suffocating.... struggling to take the next breath... three breaths is all she managed to take... unable to take in the fourth she fell unconscious.
With her head on my lap, we rushed her to the hospital, me yelling at her to stay with me all the way.
She didn't make it.
I was taking her presence for granted...like "where is she gonna go?" Afterall she is my mom... no way something that drastic is gonna happen to her... she is gonna be there.. with me... through and through. May be someday in the faraway future she might leave me to explore the afterlife but not anytime soon.
But she did leave me on that Sunday night, rather I let her slip away right in front of my eyes. Her death didn't happen suddenly out of nowhere... may be it happened slowly right from the morning and she did say straight to my face for several times that she was hurting in her chest all day long yet I stayed there, ignorant af, paying no mind to her, like it was just another sunday and let her fall dead
She died like its nothing... there she was talking and smiling one minute... and fell dead the next minute.
Unable to digest the fact that she is no more and sunk deep in the guilt of letting her die, here I confess that I killed my mom nonetheless.