I am dead inside. Does my life really matters at this point?
i legitimately loves her, i mean just too much.
From the time i fell in love with her, mostly the every thought i had was that it would hurt so much when she will leave me, the pain i would go through and stuff. And i was confident about it that, that shit is going to happen, the point in which i will give up on love. The pain and all left me shaking before i proposed you.
But the day i did asked her out and got rejected, i felt nothing, i just felt nothing, not a single tear in my eyes. Not even a heartache, just blank as stone. I did asked for reason but that didn't make me feel a bit. More of i felt relieved as the thought passed over now, i wont have shitty thought about her leaving now. Then just idk when but my eyes got shut and i slept one of the most comfortable sleep ever.
The next day, blank. I thought there would be some after effects but no. And on that day she said she won't tell me a bit of urself again and then our conversation got dead. We never talked like before, but still i was blank. I totally assumed she just left me. And i was ok about it. It that point she was just gone from my life. Everything was gone. I never felt hunger again, i never felt sleepy again, i never felt a need of anything, youtube was boring, i was not able to listen to music, it just felt like some annoying sound just banging on my ears. Every day was just same. In between my dad took away my phone and tab, i was ok. My room got locked for days, i was ok. I was just living, pushing everyday. The only thing i remember was waking up really early and sleeping really late which too i could not sleep, i just used to force myself to sleep at 4 am or 5 am just to wake up at 7am or 8 am. Never felt hunger, only ate when my mom forced me to. Everyday when i meet people, i am ok with them, just have a laughing time with them and then getting lost a thoughts and complete forgetting why i was laughing after a few mins. I used to watch horror shit every night. Lights off, full volume, but nothing really scared me, even jumpscares were ok. I just don't know how i am lived these days. I am just dead inside. I dont have people around me either. I am just a lonely guy riding his boat alone. No, no cares in my life at least in real life. I just been already said and never had a shoulder to cry on, had once but she just left. No i am not going to attempt suicide but does my life really matter at this point. Idk anymore, i am just pushing to live next day.