Fighting sadness with hate.
There are so many things not in my control,
and I'm not sure what to do about any of it,
as I can feel the pull,
dragging me down,
into an abyss that I can't see my way out of.
I try not to dwell,
but I can feel it sitting inside me,
causing a pit of hate and sorrow.
I don't like being this way,
and I don't want to continue,
but I'm already here,
feeling the chains around my neck,
that are suffocatingly tight,
and struggling seems to make it worse,
so I might as well let the cloud engulf me for now.
The haze sets in,
and it's all I can breath,
but I know,
I hope it's going to go away.
Nothing's certain anymore,
except that I know it won't go away,
and I'll make it,
but there will always be this weight,
dragging behind me,
slowing me down,
and holding me back from my full potential.
I think about replacing this sadness,
with hate and aggravation,
because those emotions are easier to confront,
and deal with,
while I can externalize those feelings,
where the sadness only goes inside to eat me from within.
So I'll lash out at times,
with bursts of rage,
that I don't try hard to contain,
because it's easier than dealing with myself,
and to let it all go outward,
because explosions are easier to confront,
but they always take everything down with them,
but the reverse will sink me faster,
and I'm afraid I'll get lost forever,
if nothing is done.