I just wanted to express how I've been feeling recently

  • Watch Anime Eyes

    @girlwhois16 and @lucifer_

    I think you might enjoy this the most(you can skip to the beginning if you don't care about the music)

    I know most of you won't finish this but I hope you enjoy the reality of my situation hopefully expressed as mild poetry

    Hi guys I'm a 15 year old kid starting from today as it was my birthday

    I'd like to give a mini mini mini recap of my life.

    I'm Palestinian, born in syria, after the war immigrated to Bulgaria and after trouble there (assassination of my dad's best friend) moved to France and I've spent 2 years here so far.

    That's why I speak Arabic, Bulgarian, French and English(from the media, I've never been to an English speaking country) fluently.
    I am also learning German, Greek at school and a tiny little bit of Japanese because I do karate and used to be an otaku

    [ @Depressed-Salad here's a mini intro to $UICIDEBOY$. Lol I'm sure it's clear why their music is used in many AMVs. The ones i mentioned are very sombre (dark In french) but don't worry they have many different songs]

    I have a play list with 100+ of their songs and it's really the only thing I've been listening to recently. These are about 50% of the names of the 2 band members


    I have related very much to the final part of this lyric lately

    Sunk back in the driver's seat
    Blunt between my lips
    I'm riding with a bitch that's high as me
    She ducking out
    She trying to sleep
    I'm ducking out
    I'm trying to see the road
    But all I can see are four horsemen
    Coming closer to me
    I think I'm about to die, we'll see
    Swerving on them motherfuckers, bitch
    It ain't my time
    Let the world blow up first
    Then I might just close my eyes
    It's all I really wanted my whole life
    The universe won't notice, bitch
    You just another life, the sun'll rise
    The stars have already died

    The part I relate with the most:

    Not to mention this song that I know by heart and is stuck in my head hopefully like a bullet will be in the future:

    My favourite 3 lines are

    "I'm matter but I don't matter"


    "Always boasting my emotions on how I'm so fucking broken

    Think I'm joking when I'm talking about blowing my head open"


    "If life's a game of inches then my dick has been the biggest and my goal's to fuck the world until that motherfucker's twitching"


    This week on Wednesday after pulling an all nighter for a 2h math test and a lot of other work, did the test which was on Wednesday(8:00-12:00 schooldays, test from 10:00-12:00), found it pretty easy, got home, passed out asleep on the couch and then woke up 2-3h later with temporary memory loss, holding my head from worry thinking that I had missed the test i just did along with the other classes, limping around the house from fatigue until I realised 10 min later that I didn't miss it and finally stopped clutching my head so damn hard. Let's not forget that 1 later at about the same time(9 pm) after pulling a 2nd consecutive all nighter right after the memory loss insedent for some other test I looked around my room and realised I've lost one of the most important things in my life and couldn't remember the last time I saw it or used it so I preceeded to walk out the door beginning to ugly cry the moment I left the building. I then walked in the middle of the road not giving a shit about who sees me, kicking light poles and punching walls all the while limping a type of traumatic stress disorder walk. After 30 min of that I decided to play some sports to cheer me up and ended up doing my first 10 sec armstand then got home. What was in the bag you might ask?

    1°A Bruce Lee book detailing kali(a martial art with sticks often 1 stick in each hand) and nunchuku techniques
    2° 2 nunchuku
    3° 2 sticks I found that somehow perfectly fit what kali sticks are supposed to be
    4° 400+ cards of all the attacks and kata (passed down codified attacks in a dance form type thingy) of Judo and Karate with the Japanese names on 1 side of the card and the English names and pics/drawings of the movements on the other side. These cards took me 5 months to finish, 30% of them hand drawn and 70% printed and all names being hand written after sophisticated research and are made to revise the Judo/Karate movements whilst I'm not in the Karate dojo(I don't go to a Judo dojo) by looking at one side of a the cards and guessing the other side randomly or chronologically.
    5° 2 drawing notebooks I was planning to use for drawing more techniques in the future
    6° A hand written notebook full of 450+ Japanese words used in Judo and Karate

    The things in the bag cost at least 80€. I lost them as a result of my memory loss after the 2 all nighters. You should not think for a second that I was just reckless towards the 2nd most important thing I own after my phone. After Friday which was a pretty normal day where I just searched for the bag in school, my dojo, my house and im 99% sure that I'm not gonna find it.

    Saturday was just me depressed and crying watching YouTube video

    Today which is Sunday(Monday 2:30 AM now so technically yesterday)

    Is my birthday

    I have cried today

    I have felt more depressed than I've ever felt in my whole life and I doubt that this is going to be what my usual birthdays are like ; where the year destroys me and completely drains me, renders me depressed, then my birthday replenishes my resources, energy and stops my depression. This birthday will not cheer me up and I will most likely continue living at the same tune of misery and rate of deteruration

    I ate cake with my mom, dad, sister and a family made up of parents and a little girl which were complete strangers to me but amazingly friendly people and are my parents friends. The cake was delicious and that family brought me 3 bags of snack bars

    Even though I told my parents that I'd rather the money. I wanted 3 things for my birthday, I can't afford a single one but if my parents had at least listened to me and gave me the money instead of buying a cake I could have afforded 1 of them but hey. At least i enjoyed eating it with friendly strangers.

    I first wanted 2 things that cost a total of 50-65 € together

    1. A mic = 25€-50€

    2. And headphones which cost 27€ to learn music production

    But now after loosing the bag I also wanted

    1. the most important things from it back which are the cards and nunchuks which would cost at least 37€.

    I wonder if there will be a day where an amount money that would get me everything I ever needed (120€) will be something I spend on a daily basis. Of course there will but how much will it matter then when I've already wasted the most important years of my life on constant failure. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUUUUUUUCK. If I will live a normal life span my life would have been pointless. So many people at death ask "why?", whilst a lot of them are asking "why did I die" most of them are asking "why the hell was I born at all". Whilst you know my opinions on "the meaning of life" which are that meaning is cosmically non-existent, autogenerated and disappears from the head of the person who created it when he dies. I don't want to live a pointless life, do not want to give my life a simple meaning and live a basic life. I dream big god damn it and I've always dreamed big. I'd rather fucking die than live a basic ass life working a 9-5(or whatever work hour that takes 1/3 or more from my day) job I don't like and didn't chose of course. What's the point in living a pointless life. Fuck that. The only thing I care about and keeps me alive is my parents and sister. If they'll be gone in the future I'd gladly fucking hang myself. The thoughts I thought to be just thoughts might cause me to do some crazy shit. My thoughts have been homicidal, suicidal, schemacidal and I have been a weak piece of shit. I need to get my shit together. This is what we call stream of consciousness writing. Just letting my thoughts flow onto the page. Fuck me. Fuck my life. I need to get my shit together, prevail and overcome. All I can do is move on, walk forward towards the edge of the plank and freeze


    I'm finishing this at 3:15 AM on Monday

    I have a test tomorrow and am just starting to study for it because I was talking with my BFF from Germany and she was 50% of what made my day(kinda it's still shit) and thought I should spend my time however I want on my BD.

    For those who made it through the whole thing, here are some mêmes and a video mostly on the topic in hand to cheer you up










    (My number 1 favourite comedian)

    Extra(My number 5 favourite comedian):

  • Damn you good. Need to talk ?

  • @bvb read till the end

    I have to study after correcting the errors autocorrect caused in my text but I'd usually love to talk

  • @bvb im trying to render it as entertaining as possible otherwise no-one would care

  • Bro, if u need to talk, hit me up. I hope ur alright

  • Watch Anime Eyes

    @ryry-bruh said in I wanted to just express how I've been feeling recently:

    Bro, if u need to talk, hit me up. I hope ur alright

    Thanks dude but I have to get to work right now. just finished editing the post

  • @ryry-bruh I will most likely be fine. I know it might be hard to believe but I've been through much worse

  • Watch Anime Eyes

    I'm gonna tag the people I didn't tag yet and who commented on the highly appreciated happy BD post from @Lucifer_ incase they missed this post and it interests them


  • @thestrangest bro you ever need to talk just hit me up

  • @football_m29 Thanks. I'm going to nap m8

  • @Lucifer_ by the way I just found out how easy it is to upload audio. Cool r8

  • @thestrangest go to sleep!

  • @Lucifer I got 2h of sleep. I'll try to take another nap when I get to school and another one when I get home. The test turned out to be tomorrow otherwise I wouldn't sleep

  • @thestrangest hit me up whenever you need to talk mate!!!

  • @black_beetle thanks i appreciate it

  • @thestrangest Anytime :)