From the deepest of my heart



  • Yesterday was my birthday. So many feelings involved on my 20th birthday this time. Grateful, happy, amazed, sad, small, unwanted.... yep. But i think the negative ones controlled my mind greater than the positive ones.

    Not being dramatic, but i think i just realized that i am one of those bullied people. But the thing is, i never think that those “bulliers” are wrong. I put all the blame on me. I take all their words rawly, without thinking it may be true or not. Feels like i wanna cry so hard but i cant. Seperti tertahan rasanya, ada yang mengganjal.

    I was born a twin. I love her and she loves me but i grew up thinking that she’s better than me in so many things. Intelligence, communication, character, beauty, body, and so on. I have received so many name callings from my friends who compares me with my twin. In the past, i used to think it was a joke, honestly, i dont really care about it cause i had my confident? Lol im not sure. But i took it easy, in the past. But then at some point i realized that all what they said is true. The number of people who bullied me and the name-callings itself increased. And thats what makes it harder for me to take.

    Well I had so many pimples and acne on my face. I realized its a little bit too much, but its even worse to the fact that my twin had fewer pimples on her face. And guess what? I got compared. They say ”you’re ugly” “your sister’s more beautiful than you” “no wonder you have no boyfriend” “why is your sister’s more beautiful than you?” “kenapa lo jerawatan sih ni, ga kaya adek lo” “you both look different” “lo mah apa, jerawatan” and so on. And you know how i feel? Hurts.

    About 5 months agoi was 51kg and my twin was 47kg. I am not fat, nor ‘big’. Im just a normal girl with a normal body. But then my sister came, guess what my friends did? Compared us. And guess what they said? “you’re fat” “you’re ugly” “your thigh is so big” “your cheek is chubby” “you look big and chubby” “kenapa adek lo bisa kurus?” “cantikan adeknya ah drpd kakaknya” “mendingan gue temenan sama adeknya” “kenapa ga adek lo aja sih yg jadi temen gue” “Lo gendut”. And i wasn’t even THAT big. Oh God.

    Then these past few months i gained 5 or 6 more kilos, it gets worse. EVERYONE is criticizing me. EVERYONE give their comments to me. My not-so-friends, my friends, family, mom, even my twin. Is this what it called bullying? Ya “Lo ya astaga pahanya gede banget” “yaampun kalian berdua beda banget” “udah kaya gentong aja” “tuh liat uni ada temboloknya” “ga turun turun ini berat badan” “berat lo udah 60 kali ya” “kaya badak” ya i know i look bigger than i used to be. But isn’t it normal? What’s wrong about that? I still feel happy when i eat dinner. I feel happy when i eat chocolate in the middle of the night. I feel happy when i stayed up late. Whats so wrong with me getting bigger? Just because i look significantly different with my twin i have to receive these kind of words? The words that absolutely can drop my confident to the lowest level. Non verbal message can’t lie. Don’t you see it? it hurts me. So much.

    It makes me feel so unwanted, not special, not worthy of anything, nobody wanna befriend with me, nobody wanna have a relationship with me. What should i do? Prove them that i can shine? With my low confident? Its hard this time, i have to admit. Maybe later.


  • Banned

    @greentealover I didn't even read what you post but COOL STORY BRO.



  • @greentealover well, you know what, in the present scenario, people find looks more important than a person's character. looks don't matter, TOTALLY WRONG. but we all fall in love with a person's inner beauty. such people who compare people are nothing but a piece of shit. one thing i learned in my life, is that, never EVER look down upon yourself. Or the world will leave no stone unturned to bring you down. always remember, you are beautiful in your own way. even if you're sad, chin up, and fake a smile. nobody cares girl. anyways, if you feel depressed and wanna talk to a friend, i am always here!


  • Gamers

    you should try making some nice friends here, like @vrinda here is the sweetest person you can find, increase the number of positive people in you life, and when that is far more than the negative ones, you will be fine 😉



  • @greentealover
    Hi dear! It's good that you acknowledge the differences between you and your sister. That's very brave of you. Not everyone can find peace when they are constantly being compared and continuously being haunted by people and their annoying mumbling just on the basis of outer appearance. It's really hard to ignore them, that's very true.

    I could just try to understand how you feel and in reality, it may be even much more to you. But for last 20 years you have maintained your composure and i would suggest not to let go of it now. You have been very brave all this years and I wish you remain so. If nothing else, believe that you are stronger than you were yesterday. And when it comes to your confidence..... there are two ways to deal with it.
    First I don't give a F..K attitude!!
    Just ignore the world and live your own way. It's easy to say but hard to do as some point of time, it may pinch you.
    Second Don't F..K with me attitude!!
    This is what I would do if I was at your place. I would challenge all those ill talkers and overcome all my hurdles. I would workout, become athletic, play sports, and not compromise on food either. It would take some time, but eventually this becomes a habit. And once you get the hang of it, believe you in me, things will improves and your confidence will reach the sky.

    But again, u need to have dedication and will to put in efforts. Love yourself and respect yourself. Worship your body and mind. Your soul will always be happy.

    I hope I made some sense.😌 . If you think I said something wrong then I am sorry. I may not understand your situation completely.
    Be happy and keep smiling.


  • Watch Anime Eyes Banned

    @trose18 more beautiful*


  • Gamers

    @greentealover tips from me : go find a friend uglier than you, because u will look more beautiful than her XD (Desperate Mode)



  • @vrinda hey! you dont know how happy i am to get your reply. Well i always fake a smile when im in front of them, but then tears will come out when im alone. But i'll try your advice, thanks! love



  • @nik-sub-blz you did make sense. And you just made my day, thank you 🙂 uh well the thing is im gonna do anything for myself, not to impress others. But yea im trying my best to keep my body, soul and mind healthy and love myself more everyday. Thank you! x



  • @greentealover impressive and i doubt if u aint worth anything, as for whats written just mind blowing. keep it up


  • Gamers

    Well if everyone compared you with your sister, go faraway from your sister.. and don't befriend with those who bullied you, go somewhere and try finding a new friend.. maybe someday you can found a best friend who will hear you and accept you as it is.



  • @jynextremist the thing is there are waaay more positive people on the internet (like you) rather than in reality around me


  • Gamers

    @greentealover be patient, you will find them 😉



  • @trose18 well it is hard to go away from my sister since we both go to the same university and other thing is that she kinda like being around me cause she knew she would receive encouraging words while me on the other hand would receive those annoying words, at least thats what i thought. But thank you for your advice!



  • @sᴛᴏɴᴇʙʀɪᴅɢᴇ well thank you for the compliment then.


  • Gamers

    @greentealover tips from me : go find a friend uglier than you, because u will look beautiful than her XD (Desperate Mode)



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