Posts made by rebelw.acause

ok but like he's not even that cute, and i could do way better...or that's what my friends say. but i can't even lie, he's got the nicest personality...not like a rude pervy dick that most guys are now. but he's just friendly, and i don't think he's into me, but i want him to. god, i want him to so fucking bad. i could like him a lot...if i let myself. but he's just so nice and he makes me laugh genuinely, and he's got like - pure intentions, not using girls for sex or that shit. and that's why i (in a stupid cliche) think he isn't like any other guy i've met.
and the other side of me says he's just like all the other dipshits i've met - horny and abusive. or at least a liar. and i tell myself there's nothing special about him, and we could never be right together.
but something about me just wishes he'd like me, that he'd really actually see me and notice me. i really wish i could know he was blushing, not just think i'm imagining it.
and all my emotions got me thinking - fuck, i'm doing it again. i'm going to fuck up what could have been the best friendship literally ever. and it makes me angry that i even feel like this or think these things but fuck it. geez.
at least i made him curse. which he never does.
at least i make him smile sometimes.
at least we talk a little

anyone else? after last march, i haven't been able to have a crush. i can't catch feelings.
teens are painted as party animals. they drink, they go out every friday and saturday and kick it with their friends. they're in love 24/7, and they're super rebellious.
then tell me why 11 at night is late, i go to work on Friday and Saturday nights, and i rarely drink. and i can't fall in love.
does anybody else feel this way, or is it just me and my psychosis??

okay so i started online school this year (im in high school), and i'm just really unmotivated and distracted. anyone up for being a study buddy...?

1. be happy again
2. see europe/the uk
3. meet/thank someone in person who has helped me through life without knowing it
4. get a tattoo...or several
5. i'm leaving it open

not sure if anybody knows who this is, but i used to be somewhat close with a guy named @BOOTS22 and he hasn't been on in over a year. has anyone heard of what's up with him? did he leave and i didn't hear?? just worried...there are a number of other ppl, but this one specifically. if anyone's heard from/of him, please let me know.

hey! i understand what you're going thru...i met this amazing guy a few years ago, but we broke up, and he left. i miss him a lot...i saw him the other day and will see him again on tuesday. but something to keep in mind is that our memories are always blurred, tinted by the emotions we feel and felt. i tend to overromanticise the past...i'm not sure if that's something u can relate to, but that happens a lot when looking back on previous relationships. but if you know in your heart that you love her and she loved you and you were meant to be, i'd say reach out to her! go for it! but if, deep down inside of you, you know it's not meant to be, then cherish those memories. hold on to them, remembering them in peace, not in bitterness or guilt. be thankful that you had those times, but learn to embrace the fact that you will never be able to make new times with her. and then let it go. stop wishing to go back, stop hoping for her to reach out. learn to love "now", because right now is such a beautiful time.

has anyone else been coming to the end of themselves lately or is that just me? i'm so lonely, and i don't think that that will ever change. i should really be studying, but what's the point of that? i just want my dad to love me. i just want to be loved. i wish my birth mom could see me now and yet i don't want her to - would she be proud? is anyone proud of me? i have a 4.0 gpa from this year, i've managed 3 sports since i'm not athletic and can't play them, stuck through handbells the entire year, made two new friends (which is huge for me because i'm shy and awkward), and developed a fashion sense. i've made it an entire year following my parents' rules on not having any sort of relationship with anyone. the summer is coming, but i'm scared nothing will change. i'll still be stressed because my dad hates me. i'll still want to be white and skinny and gorgeous and strong. i'll still be getting in trouble for stupid shit. i'll still want to end myself. i'm going to be 16, and i don't remember what being happy feels like. i want to escape. i want to sleep and wake up refreshed. i'm so exhausted. i'm so exhausted. i just want to lay down, safe in someone's arms, and sleep for years. or forever. i want to be so sick i die because i can't kill myself. i want to believe people would care. i want to be free. i want to be gone. and what scares me even more is that i might be the only one who feels this way. it feels like everyone around me are meeting their "someone" and hanging out with friends and having fun, while i stay at home and cry in bed with my hand over my mouth. is it bad that i'm attracted to middle-aged men who are kind and amazing people and just absolutely fucking brilliant? is it bad that i can't tell whether i'm bi or not? is it bad that i watch the people who are happy around me and desperately wish i was them? is it bad that i just want to feel okay? i miss all these people that i've never even met, and the years are passing too quickly and too slowly in my head. my parents don't agree with me politically, which makes them angry, and i get in trouble in the end; i don't understand my parents' rules. my dad has grabbed me and shoved me to the ground before because he's gotten so angry. i can't remember much of my childhood from trauma, but i vividly remember watching my dad hurt my newly adopted 2 year old sister so hard, her lip started bleeding, making my brother cry. was sexual abuse the only trauma i encountered, or was i physically abused too? i can't remember. i want to feel well again. i feel so sick.

This is a place where people hook up, and weird-ass stuff goes down, but I have all these emotions inside of me and absolutely no where to go, so here you go, TWS.
I'm so fucking lonely. I have not a single good friend on earth, only people who make my insecurities worse. I'm rehabbing from an ED i struggled with last year, and though I've gained weight, I still feel ugly and want to starve myself. I'm so tired. I have an entire fucking essay to write, but I don't even know where to start because it's on a topic I don't care about. I wish someone would just tell me to get in bed with them so they can hold me through the night, helping me sleep the entire night through. Because most nights, I'll wake up at 3 or 4 and spend the rest of the night, wishing I wasn't all alone. I can't remember the last time I was happy; and that's not the last time I smiled or laughed...I mean the last time I was at peace in my heart, content and okay. Safe. Protected. Loved. I was sexually assaulted at age 7, so I can never have sex. That's just not something I can do. But I don't want to be alone. I'm about to turn 16, and I won't have done anything with my life. I just want to be okay. I want to stop being so fully exhausted, I want to stop crying all the time, I want to feel like someone's going to come home and put their arms around me. I want to know I can slow dance with someone and have these cute moments without feeling like they're going to rape me or do something twisted. Because i can love, I can take care of you when you're feeling down, help you with literature or freaking history. I'll never cheat, I'll never try to hurt you. But I'm just so broken down and so, so tired and sad. And I don't know why. And no one will do anything about it. No one cares.
So that's it
stay safe.
love you
x

i want to die. that's it. that's the post. don't slam me for it.

ok: quarantine was the best fucking thing to happen to me. ever. it was the spring, so it wasn't too hot, not too cold. i would get all my school done in at most 3-4 hours, get a shower early, and have all this time to work on improving my makeup, fashion sense, biking, working out at least 1 1/2 hours a day, reading, all of it. my self-confidence was inSANELY high, i never got lonely, and my emotions were better than normal (PMSing and periods aside). i was so happy, and i viewed being single a freedom, not being lonely.

skip to now: i'm in school 5 days a week. i have to wear a mask, which honestly isn't a problem except when i need to run and breathe heavily or my nose is running. but i have face problems now - dryness, acne, etc. i've tried everything. i have gym 5 days a week for the next month or two, so i wear sweatpants (rather than the uniform) because we can't get changed. but sweatpants make me insecure. i'm insanely insecure now about my body and personality and looks in general. i'm depressed, worried, anxious, and lonely. how TF did this happen?

anyway :) have a nice day/night

i believe there's a plan for our life, and that, no matter the choices we make, the outcome was already made for us beforehand. so there isn't luck, although you can certainly call circumstances lucky or unlucky, but in the end, it comes down to you. coz of course, you can let yourself go and be a piece of shit, but that was the plan. and on the other hand, you can be famous and the best person out there, but that was the plan in the first place.

i dont know what you're going through, or why you're asking this, but i've asked myself that a lot, especially recently, and imma give you a straight up answer to the real question you're asking me:
you're gonna hear this a lot when you ask that, but i promise to you, i swear to you, you're gonna make it. you're gonna get through whatever it is you're going through. but looking up and asking that is giving into the death inside of you. look it in the face. tell it to piss off. and no, it ain't gonna just run away from you right there and leave you alone, but you gotta fight. every day. because in each person's life comes a time when you have to choose. choose between fighting and becoming something stronger, something more or giving in. discipline yourself, and i promise, i promise, and again, i promise, it'll be ok.

I've got this strange thing with me...I think I'm asexual, I think I'm strange, I think I can be obsessive, I think I'm unusual, I think I'm a bad person, I think this and I think that, but on the other hand, I think I'm a hetero bitch, I think I'm normal, I think I can be indifferent, I think I'm average, I think I'm a good person, and I think this and that. But in reality, I just don't know. Is anyone else there? Where they just don't know who they are, where they're looking and trying, but when you try to figure things out, it just makes it more complicated?
If anybody out there sees this, please, please say something. Coz i hate drama and overexaggeration, but i'm so close to the edge. i've been there for a few months, and it would be so easy to let go right now. To make it clearer, there have been so many times where I could kill myself, it's become scary. i keep thinking if this person would notice me or i could meet this person, i'd be fine, but i know i wouldn't. i'm just looking for something, for anything. please drop a comment or a like or a dislike, hell, anything, if anyone knows that feeling.

@Aleph How old you think I am??

Okay so I went back on your profile bc I heard a lot of potential in that song, so I love a few, like Mud, Sun Bloomed, and Broken. you've got a lot of potential, and looking back, you've been at this for 2 years?? Good job, man.

I FUCKING LOVE IT THAT IS SOME GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE
okay but for real, from someone who writes, breathes, eats, and sleeps music: your vocals are a bit quiet, besides the parts that are meant to be in the background. you're a bit shy, but considering that this (i'm guessing) isn't after years of experience, it's really good. despite what other people are saying, i love the lyrics. this isn't mainstream, but it's much more...genuine that way. love the guitar and the background vocals

So I've been thinking a lot during quarantine (even though there are TONS of other things to do haha). And I've found that I'm really not as happy as I should be. I have a good life. Good family, good boyfriend, and maybe 1 or 2 good friends. But I'm very discontent. My parents are very strict, and I'm not really allowed to have my own opinion or dreams. I want to be an actress and go to boarding school and travel and see the world. I'm sick of the little school with sucky teachers that I used to go to (and am now learning online from). I want to be popular and wear fashionable clothes, even if they do show a little skin. Good Lord. I want to find religion on my own time. (which btw, discussion time: are we in end times? respond in comments!) But yeah. I'm sick of life. HELP? Am i the only one?

oh my gosh!!!! wow!! congrats:laughing: best of luck to you! (also, don't listen to the discouraging comments...you got this man!)

16 :face_with_tears_of_joy: :face_with_tears_of_joy:

hey wassup would love to b a friend