wanna know TOO much about me?
right now i feel like no one takes me seriously. like i'm just a joke people can laugh at.
throughout primary and secondary school this really was the case for the most part.
my peers would laugh at me and judge me when i was being myself. and as a kid it really
knocked my confidence. and it ended up making me shy and introverted. moving into secondary
that only got worse. for the first year or two i was able to make some friends but the same
problems happened. people would laugh at me and not take me seriously. and to this day it makes
me feel really weak and pathetic. i wont lie i know i'm pathetic and that i just feel way too
sorry for myself and i should just man up because everyone else feels the same and just moves
on. but i cant do it.
even now that i'm in college i still feel like i'm just a joke. my friends call me stupid and
retarded everyday. they're joking but sometimes it gets to me. and i can't tell them i don't
think its funny because then they act with caution around me. i mentioned before that i was
sick of them calling me stupid and they stopped for that day. one of my friends slipped up
and made a joke about me being dumb. then my other friend called him out saying "no dylan
isn't dumb." he meant well but it felt so patronizing. not in the sense that he was purposely
trying to make it seem like he was being sarcastic. but like he was worried he was going to
make me mad. i can take a joke believe me. but when its about something i'm really insecure
about AND its everyday. it just builds up until i have to say i've had enough of it. not to
mention that when he called my other friend out for it he said it as if he was talking about
a kid. further making me feel unequal and beneath them.
at home its the same. my younger foster brother constantly puts me down. after going through
quite a traumatic situation at the age of 15, i have been scared to go out on my own. as well as becoming quite
paranoid in general. he's 14, so really he should be able to empathize a little with how i feel.
but he doesn't. for example, whenever i have my friend nile round and the topic of me going outside
comes up. my brother always says something like "well he's too scared to go out" and it
hurts me. while he isnt wrong he's also taking something that causes me alot pain and making it
seem like its nothing. something so life changing and that i have to put up with everyday, it
tears me apart and he just makes it seem like i'm a pathetic loser. i've been to a few councillors
and i've been told that i am going through some form of PTSD. which is great to actually know.
but at the same time telling people i have PTSD feels like a lie because i haven't actually been
tested for it or anything. i'm just going with what i've been told. when i told my brother this he
just flat out said "no you don't" and overtime he has stopped saying that. but he still doesnt
believe it. he makes a face like he's doubting me everytime i tell i mention my PTSD. and this
further makes me feel like i'm just being pathetic.
my relationship with my sister is not as good as it could be. me and her used to be close before
she moved out. and for awhile when she did everything was fine. but after the traumatic situation
i was in things have changed with how i speak to everyone. and since i don't speak to my sister as
much as my parents and foster brothers anymore i have become quite uncomfortable around her. i
realize that this could be very hurtful to hear from a younger brother so i haven't mentioned it
but whenever she comes to our house i feel a lot of anxiety until she leaves. at times my sister
seems more understanding then most people. and at other times i feel like she's just as bad. for example,
one time i was walking into the living room and was standing awkwardly, clearly nervous about the situation
i was in. and i went to sit down but stumbled a little. for some context as to why: when i feel nervous my
body doesn't move how i want it to. i move like a robot and move awkwardly. when i stumbled she laughed at
me and said "you alright dill?" she laughs at me pretty oftenly when i'm feeling nervous and awkward. when
she does it only makes me feel even more uncomfortable. i just wish she could be a little more understanding
about how i feel.
my sister asks me about my sexuality often. i'm a bisexual male and im not ready to tell
anyone i know in real life. mainly because i dont view males in a romantic way, only sexually. i
have never said anything about sex to or around my family. its a topic we have completely avoided
and i would not feel comfortable or willing to talk about that stuff to them ever. i also don't want
my family to think i see them in a romantic way. the way i explain this to people is: i view seeing
a male in an romantic light the same way a straight male see's gay sex. its just not their thing right?
that's a gross idea to them. and that's how i feel about having a romantic relationship with a dude.
and to a straight person that could be confusing right? liking a gender but not romantically. so, to
avoid confusion and embarrassment i don't talk about it with people i know in real life. its more confusing
then how i have stated but ill leave it at that for now.
the reason i brought up my sister questioning my sexuallity is because i really don't like it. she thinks i'm
gay or bi because i'm more shy, introverted and emotional then others my age. which is true, but i don't want to be
seen that way. i want to be a strong confident person who sleeps around with chicks and goes partying. which
is a normal thing for a teen to want. her questioning me like that just reminds me that ill never have that lifestyle.
its just not in me. which is frustrating.. because i really want to be like that.
im really worried about the fact that i'm still a virgin. its not just peer pressure. its mainly because i crave that closeness
with a women. i want to feel that intense feeling of a women wanting no one but me for an hour or two. i really want to feel it.
a lot of it goes down to my self esteem i know. and i'm sure if i were to have better self esteem it would be less important to
me. but i don't, so it isn't less important. peer pressure is still a factor to it for sure. like, im 17 which believe it or not is sorta
old for losing your virginity. so at times i do worry that ill die a virgin. but luckily at the moment i never feel like that'll actually
happen. whether or not my sex life will be fun or pathetic is a different story tho.
i'm realising now that this relates to how others have treaten me in the past. for once i don't want to be on the outside looking in
at all the fun stuff the "cool kids" do. i want to apart of it, without feeling like she's "helping" me because she feels sorry
for me. i want to be the one not being laughed at for being a weirdo. i want to be popular and liked by large numbers.
now this is something that confuses me alot. love, do i want it or am i just hungry for intimate affection? i've been in relationships
before but never felt love. or so i thought until i met an amazing girl called zeena awhile back. we were friends for 2 years before we
started dating. i felt comfortable with her and loved spending time talking with her. she was honestly the nicest girl i've ever met.
but unfortunately it didn't work out. it was an online relationship and i was childish. i lied to her and made a fake persona and life
to make myself seem cool and likeable. and sadly she fell for it for two years... even though i lied about EVERYTHING apart from my age
and simple things like what i like to eat and such. she still cared for me. i told her everything was a lie and told her i wasn't going to
speak to her anymore and without hesitation she begged me to stay. told me she cared and we could start over. told me she still loved me
and that she had already forgotten about the fact that i had been lying for multiple years. and i did stay, we carried on dating as she got
to know the real me. i opened up alot to her, even about things that i haven't told anyone else. and she never judged. she really made me feel
loved. and to this day i still consider that we were in love. i even showed her my face. she didn't exactly complement me, which is fine but
she told me i "looked younger then i thought" so i guess that was a good thing. at the end of our relationship it turned out she had lied about
things too. her age and her name. i was under the impression that her age was 15 at the time like i was. but it turns out she was 13. which was
a hard pill to swallow. i wasn't comfortable with the age gap but i still loved her. i remember her asking if i stilled loved her and i said of
course. i felt like she was testing if i was a weirdo. she wasn't. i know this because she just isn't like that. though the age gap is only 2 years
when you're a teen that stuff is a little more important, understandably. i was doing my GCSE's before she even had to think about them. it really
hurt when i found out she lied. i didn't tell her but i ended up crying about it. it still bugs me to this day actually. but i got what i deserved
i lied about everything so i cant complain. she told me her name was maddie. and for the rest of the time i knew her i would sometimes say it by
accident. to be honest i don't remember the real reason we broke up. maybe because there wasn't one. the app we spoke on was called "MSP" its like
a chatting app made originally for kids. but its mainly filed with attention seeking, affection craving teens like myself. and many times we both
said we were going to stop using it. and then one day she decided she was going to leave the app. so we spoke one last time and then she left.
i asked for her socials but she said her parents check them to see if she's talking to guys. they're super overprotective supposedly. and i don't
and i don't know if she was being honest about that. i don't want to think of her leaving me then using that as an excuse. sometimes i feel like
she was cheating. she seemed pretty friendly with some other guys on "MSP" but like i always said. its okay for a girl to be in a relationship
with a guy and still have guy friends. i've never been one to act out my jealousy. i know some girls think its cute but i think ill just come off
as overprotective. she still messages me. i don't answer tho. i'm too scared too. i don't want to fall for her again. we had our time and we left
respectfully. we should just leave it at that. another reason why i cant go back to her though is because i barely remember what we spoke about.
i claim she was so good to me and i loved her and she was so important to me but.. what proof do i have now? apart from what she still texts me
i have barely any recollection of what we were like. and more importantly what she was like. is that really love? or was i just enjoying the
affection and not caring about how she felt the whole time?
trying to make sure everything i say is what i actually feel is really hard. my feelings are
so confusing and its frustrating because no one understands. i know people go through the same
feelings as i but i cant relate to what they say. i cant voice how i feel. its not because i am scared
or shy or embarrassed. i just don't understand it. and i don't even know where to begin.
i really would like to be diagnosed. because i know something is wrong. when i mention that i want to be diagnosed
people usually say "why?" like it already isn't obvious... "diagnose me, cuz i cant keep wondering why." this is a
quote from BMTH. one of their songs called "Avalanche" and that's why i want to be diagnosed. because i cant keep
wondering why i feel this way. if i know what's wrong i can find a way to fix it.
i know how you feel, i was a teenage social outcast too. it sucks when ppl don't understand you. sucks even harder when they try to put you down for being different & being a shy introvert.
you just have to embrace who you are. don't pretend to be someone else, just love the person that you truly are. confidence & happiness will surely follow
i mean, who even cares what other ppl think?
@riagan So basically the app is blue I had a picture of it but I'm not sure to show it but it's really is just called mood app. And on the app is ofc other people who uses it like me. There's a place where you can vent and people can comment give you tips or just support you, there a place where you can talk to people live but that's if people join your live or you join others while it's going on. You can (don't have to) write something in your "Journal" daily or when you feel like it there's emojis labeled to express your feelings. There is another vent section that allows you to let something go and no longer see it. Because more people will be letting go of their stuff. There's a thing that will have you repeat what pops up on the screen and it's trying to motivate you, grow your self-esteem depending on what pops up. You can talk and support people by following, looking at their post, commenting on their page etc. And if you do end up trying it if you need help getting started. My name on there is lilyflower
@riagan it is unfortunate that some people get their kicks from disparaging others. I will try to counteract their aggression by speaking wholesome, constructive words to people.
so, this is a lot of what i think about i guess. wrote it awhile back and it feels pretty pathetic looking back on it. but everything i said i still agree with i guess. reason why i did it? no idea. maybe it'll help someone. either way i didn't plan on letting anyone see this but since i'm a compulsive idiot i thought why not. i guess i'm a stranger so its easier to share.
i appreciate you taking time to read this
@riagan what a long article. What I can say is love yourself,love your personality, be happy and confidence will follow.
saurabh23 thanks for the advice
BMTH and MSI rock and so do you! I feel like any reply I write would not be as extensive or useful as I'd want it to be, but I relate and empathize with you a great deal. I've suffered from ptsd among other things and was often invalidated by the people around me and it sucks. Don't worry about trying to be "normal" just be you, you'll get where you wanna be eventually. Meditation helped me a lot. Here if u ever wanna chat, stay strong
@Alicey2k yeah for sure both bands rock. i'm happy you're able to find my post relatable. people here have helped me realise that the way to feel better about myself is to just accept who i am. i haven't really tried meditation before but maybe i will. thanks for taking the time to read and reply to the post.
Have you tried or heard about an app called the "mood app"? If you haven't tried it maybe give it a try?
@FlowerFlow the mood app? would you be willing to tell me more about it?
@riagan im 40 and still get taunted by the "cool kids". I dont think it will ever end. i just let it fall off me like water off a duck's back. Just because i dont like the same things or laugh at the same jokes or go to the same hangouts IM wierd. They never see the inanity of their lives. Thanks Riagan for dumping out your heart for us. Now lets pick up the pieces together and grow stronger.
There is edx course called science of well being by yale University. It will help you for your low self esteem. Course genuinely studies how to live happy life. There are also podcast lectures on Spotify for same topic by same lecturer.
@FlowerFlow i see. i might check it out. if i need help ill ask you. thanks for the suggestion.
@chewie that's really a shame. you'd think people would grow more mature over time. i guess like you said all you can really do is not let it get to you
@riagan your welcome!
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