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Is he really changed?

Relationships

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Crash523
last edited by Crash523

16 years ago I met the first man I ever fell in love with. It was not an instant love but we definitively had a connection. He was in the army, and he was deployed once while we were together. When he came home, he had some bad PTSD. I held on through the nightmares and anger and so on. But one day, he got violent with me and told me he wanted to kill me. I was able to push him away from, grab his 4 year old and run for the door. But he ripped the kid out of my arms. I walked out that door and called the cops. I got a restraining order. I went 11 years with no contact with him. But I miss him and the child every day. Recently his father passed away. I reached out to him. He stated he was happy that I reached out and that he was sorry for everything that went on and that he had been through therapy and it took loosing me to realize there was a problem. We have been talking for awhile now and he seems sincere. He seems to be the man I fell for all those years ago. The truth is, I dont know how to let the guard down. I know I am not the only one who has an ex military man who has ptsd. Any comments or advice would be greatful.
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@Belle18 said in My boyfriend ignores me…:

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You should ignore that bastard and find new this world is full of guys and for girls it's so easy to get one good luck
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@Bethany123 I know it can be frustrating and quite draining sometimes having to explain every little detail to a grown man, as it feels like they should care enough to understand on their own - but men are different beings to women and do struggle with things that may seem standard or basic. That’s why women say guys are dumb! They’ll change a car engine or build an house but have no clue when it comes to issues like this. Also Emotional intelligence is learned so he may be missing out on seemingly obvious signs if he isnt at the level you expect of him with that.
if you love him and see a future together, then it’s worth the effort and time to mend it - it will eventually get easier.

Relationships can be hard work at times as I’m sure you are aware, but also very beautiful and if you believe that he’s the one, then I guess you’ll stick it out until he gets it - as the saying goes, nothing worth having comes easy, and nothing that comes easy is worth having.

Hopefully the goods outweigh the bads overall and eventually, there will come a time where your communication as a couple will improve so much it will reach a point where it doesn’t feel so draining to discuss things as you’re both on the same page when it comes to each others needs, desires, goals and things that need work, and both of you will naturally understand each others communication styles and love languages and will be able to work in with one another without any second guessing. It’s like anything, practice makes perfect.

Be persistent with letting your needs and feelings be understood yet be patient and kind in the way you explain it as he may not understand until you’ve said it in a way that resonates with him, which can take multiple tries of saying the same thing differently.

He may struggle with communication too so while you are communicating your side of things, ask him about anything that may be troubling him and see if you can both go on a journey of improvement as a team which will bring you closer and serve as a bonding experience of sorts.

Sorry if I’ve rambled on, I’ve just been in a similar situation and I believe this issue is easily fixed with patience, and calm conversation, and understanding of each other.

You’ve got this and good luck, I wish you both all the best.
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• • • 2468022

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Ask yourself - is it worth arguing over? Make your feels known and ask to be invited next time, then accept it and move on. No use arguing and dragging it out, that will just hurt both of you even more.

I’m sure there was no intention to hurt you, those who invited him probably just wanted a boys trip, he may not have realised it was this important to you.

Also it is important for guys to hang out without their partners there, and same for girls to hang out without any guys around.

I think it’s understandable that you’re hurt, but don’t see either one of you as right or wrong personally.

It’s not how you feel that determines if someone’s in the wrong, but how the person that’s feeling them reacts to those emotions.

That’s my view on it anyway. :)
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Marriage feels over, but I feel stuck and lost
Relationships

TTrex1983 6 days ago
I've been with my wife for 19 years, married for 15 of those... on the whole I felt like we had an amazing relationship. She was my lover, but also my best friend, my soul mate, loving parent to our 4 cheeky children. We were on the same page on everything, and I felt like we could talk to each other about anything and everything.

Mid-COVID one of those conversations was about sexuality, and spicing things up. She wanted to try with other men involved, and she was curious what it would be like with other women involved - but quite strictly for her benefit, not mine. I like to think I'm quite open minded, so we joined a community and tried a few scenarios - not very successful... not like we went wow, this is for us, or anything like that.

From that, one guy that we met she started calling and messaging in private, kept everything to herself. She was falling for him to the point where she was ready to leave me for him... until... she realised he was gaslighting her, and it turned out he had a partner. It turned out things weren't as she thought they were. She broke things off, and at this told me all about it... I'd been completely unaware up to that point.

This was hard for me, but I loved her - I still do, and wanted to work through this. She didn't know what she wanted from here, but were to work things through and try to make it work.

From this point, the sex started to go downhill, we went from active most nights, to very inactive to now being sexless for the last few months. She's got a few health issues, both physically and mentally, so I'd put the drop down to these. Rightly or wrongly though I got suspicious, and found messages in her Facebook account to a guy, and the messages come across that she's throwing herself at him. I can't see replies from him, but from her messages, something happened between them, I just don't know what. A week ago she asked me at the dinner table with our kids if she could go to Paris by herself tomorrow... my response at the time was "We can't afford it" but I was later to find out in these messages that she'd asked this guy to go to Paris with her.

I like to think that I'm a helpful and supportive husband, I work my ass off, do as much as if not more of the childcare, and try to help with housework. She works less hours than I do, and is regularly out getting her hair or her nails done, or shopping.

I feel like I can't continue with this anymore... I wanted to try, but how many times can this happen and can I be put through this? I'm so low, I've lost all energy to fight for my wife, and my life. I'm lost and stuck. I don't have any friends to talk to - my friends went years ago when friends became our friends, my parents passed away before I reached 30, and I'm scared (as I hear so many times) that separating/divorce is going to leave her with the house, the kids everything. I'm left feeling like I have nothing worth living for and that I'm only here right now so that my kids aren't upset with the fact of losing me.

The common advice is to talk to her about it, but she doesn't want to talk about any of it, and just gets angry with me. I don't know where to turn, or what to do.

I'm here, just looking for someone to talk to, hopefully people that have been in the same situation, and how it worked out... lessons learnt... outcomes... positive and negative.
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Aryan MhatreAryan Mhatre 6 days ago
Feeling sorry for you man......she isn't worth it
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Peek_A_BooPeek_A_Boo 6 days ago
Im sorry that you have to experience such, she has likely lost interest which sucks these days as more and more women become materialistic and give up gems like yourself for dumb rocks , it seems like both minds are made up just a hard reality of coming out on terms before she goes a step further.

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@Trex1983 damn. What you are going through is a little different from my situation, but your pain feels so much like mine. I have no advice, because I came here for the same reason. It's so hard when kids are involved.. and hanging on to the feelings of love and closeness that you used to have. It's just so damn hard.
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I am sorry to hear about this.But I still believe communication is very important. In the years you have both being together, is there a particular person he respect his views,you can start from there if you have try communicating with him initially. Please do not stress yourself for your mental health.
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Is he really changed?

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