i fucking hate my life

[brokenglass]

it’s so pathetic and stupid. for context, I’m fifteen, I’m a girl, I’m in the US. this past year has been hell, but in all honesty, I don’t remember a time when things didn’t suck. I was bullied through all of elementary and middle school. it’s changed now. I started off the year with three friends from middle school. two male, one female. I got a huge crush on one of the boys and we started going out at the same time the girl and other guy did. those were my only friends. the guy seemed so sweet but he would pick apart everything I did and make me do stuff I didn’t want to. I started feeling like he was the only one who cared about me. my dad was being kind of a dick at the time. he’s usually not a hitter, but he hit me a couple times. whatever. the guy took advantage of me and at one point, raped me. I gained the courage to break up with him and told my other two friends. they just made fun of me for it, saying I wished I had a good relationship like theirs. I’ve been having flashbacks to it. it lead me to attempt suicide in February but I failed. my self harm has been awful. I’ve been having dreams of sexual assault that happened to me as a young kid I totally repressed. my eating disorder is all that’s been keeping me sane tbh.
over quarantine, I started dating this guy I was friends with for the first time since my past relationship. he asked me out, he said a lot of sweet things, and then all of a sudden he said he couldn’t do a relationship right now, and that he’d get back to me and that I just needed to wait for him. then he publicly got into a relationship with someone else within legit 2 days, and unlike when he was with me, he posted pictures of them everywhere and didn’t keep the relationship secret. so of course that’s a blow to my ego.
there’s another guy I’ve been crushing on for a while. our age difference is kinda gross, since he’s 18, but I really like him still. he was calling me cute and inviting me to stay the night with him n stuff and then kind of dropped off, and then I saw on Instagram he’s been dating his girlfriend for like months.
no one actually likes me, they just wanna use me for sex and self validation. even my acquaintances just use me to affirm their egos. I wish I was never fucking born.

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[A Former User]

@brokenglass you need to go camping.

[bvzpt]

@sunwukong I agree

[A Former User]

You know, at times such as those the trouble is not to find good advice, but to be able to distinguish the good advice from the bad.
& the worse thing that anyone can tell you is something such as "It will pass", "All will be alright", and, my personal WORST: "Do you have any idea of how bad OTHERS have it?"
Now, that's THE one to help you out of the hole....
For what's worth, I think there are no miracle remedies. You can get out of it though, and the surest sign of this, it's that you are talking about your situation. When you stop trying to talk about what's bothering you, then you have given up.
And IT IS NOT YOUR CASE.
A simple story, based in my own experience? Try to take ONE trouble at a time: write them all down, ALL, from the first to come to your mind, to the last one, it does not matter if they are in order or not, just write them ALL down. Then, pick ONE problem at a time, simply ONE, and work until solving it. Afterwards, but only once that you have solved ONE; take it up to the next one.
If you look at your life as this very large quantity of troubles, of things that do not go "right", you may never find your way out: not "the" way out, YOURS. But if instead of doing it as a large unsolvable group of problems, you see it as ONE problem at a time, ONLY ONE, then the task not only seems doable, it becomes doable.
You would never start a race counting ALL the kilometers that you still have to go, but rather counting all those you already ran. One kilometer at a time, one "pit stop" to get water and food at a time. Until there are no more.
Not an advice per se, merely an approach that kept me existing for a while.
Good luck.

[A Former User]

Hang on there and be strong.

[A Former User]

@sunwukong camping is great like off grid no technology to babysit you camping