Being responsible for my own happiness

Hey everyone !
3 days ago I just ended a long term relationship. We were together since jan 1st 2013 and she was my best friends for a few more years before that. This monday she texted me that she’ll spend the night over her friend , i knew her friend and I didn’t care. The next morning she wasnt answering her phone and I called her friend. She didn’t know anything about about her and at that point i felt devastated. I also asked how many times did my gf sleep over her place and her reply was “twice”, but my gf told me she slept at her atleast 10 times.
I used to be a really cold person. I didnt spend a tear or feel anything much when my dad died ( i was 12 ), or when my mom got cancer ( 10 years ago ), or when my best friend from childbood died in a car accident, but with her, it was different. She’s the 1st and only person I ever got atached to and eventually in love. This being said, I hope you can imagine how i feel right now. She was the only1 I got. My whole family, my whole crew, my whole life.
I feel like I want to die, I hate myself for my whole life, I hate myself for letting her go, I hate myself because I know I would never be able to forgive or forget that she cheated. I feel like the only 2 options left are either going back in time or suicide. I don’t usually drink ( maybe a Glass 2 or 3 times / year ), but now I want to get wasted, to pass out and never wake up.
This was the 1st night in 3 days when i was able to fall asleep, but i dreamed about her. She was next to me in bed, reading. It wasnt much, but she was so beautiful and i didnt want to diturb her. Unfortunately, moments later i woke up in tears and i’m still crying for more that a few hours.
I honestly feel like my life just ended..tryed to contact her, I wanted to know atleast if she’s ok, if she needs anything, but she yelled at me to stay out of her life.
I keep thinking about past years and I can’t Find what I did wrong, but now I regret not hugging her more, not kissing her more, I just wanted her not to feel suffocated.
I’m with her since I was 18 and she was 17 , but before that I had plenty relationships. I didnt get the cance to feel heartbroken because i never cared about anyone except me at that time. This is like the 1st heartbreak i ever got in my life and it is way worse at this time.
This will be my 1st xmass and new year w/o her in years...

@Hyde Can’t wait to talk with someone that knows what this is

UPDATE (and the last1 on this topic) :
I found out she was cheating on me at least since February, with more than 3 guys.
This may sound weird, but I felt a relief.
I realized this wasn't my fault and it was her choice and there was nothing I could do.
I finally was able to smile, laugh, eat, feel at peace, love myself and respect myself more than I ever did.
I "tested" to see if I really feel better. I tried to go to the cinema w/o her, to see if I can enjoy it alone( For many years I went only with her at the cinema). Not just that I enjoyed, but it was better than the last years. It made me realize I have to be responsible for my happiness, I could chose the movie, where to eat, if I wanted coffee or not. Overall, it was amazing. I even pushed it even further. I knew she used to love frozen and not many hours ago i thought i will never be able to see that movie. But I went to frozen and it was an amazing movie, an amazing experience and I felt refreshed.
All that hate that i had felt for myself transformed into self esteem and love, because I knew I acted like a gentleman until the very end and it was nothing I could've changed.
The hardest step was to forgive myself for not being good enough to be with her. And if I didn't receive this news about her, I would still be at the rock bottom.
All of this happened so fast, I can barely remember the last few days. I smoked 22 Cigarette packs from Tuesday until now.
Overall, I would like to thank everyone for their support. W/o you guys I would've never had the power to try and find out the truth. I really appreciate your support.
If anyone still has questions, feel free to dm me, I'll answer honestly and offer whatever detail you want.
I hope this tread will help someone else one day.

With love,
Andrew

@AXES Thanks to you and Hyde bro

Being responsible for my own happiness

UPDATE (and the last1 on this topic) :
I found out she was cheating on me at least since February, with more than 3 guys.
This may sound weird, but I felt a relief.
I realized this wasn't my fault and it was her choice and there was nothing I could do.
I finally was able to smile, laugh, eat, feel at peace, love myself and respect myself more than I ever did.
I "tested" to see if I really feel better. I tried to go to the cinema w/o her, to see if I can enjoy it alone( For many years I went only with her at the cinema). Not just that I enjoyed, but it was better than the last years. It made me realize I have to be responsible for my happiness, I could chose the movie, where to eat, if I wanted coffee or not. Overall, it was amazing. I even pushed it even further. I knew she used to love frozen and not many hours ago i thought i will never be able to see that movie. But I went to frozen and it was an amazing movie, an amazing experience and I felt refreshed.
All that hate that i had felt for myself transformed into self esteem and love, because I knew I acted like a gentleman until the very end and it was nothing I could've changed.
The hardest step was to forgive myself for not being good enough to be with her. And if I didn't receive this news about her, I would still be at the rock bottom.
All of this happened so fast, I can barely remember the last few days. I smoked 22 Cigarette packs from Tuesday until now.
Overall, I would like to thank everyone for their support. W/o you guys I would've never had the power to try and find out the truth. I really appreciate your support.
If anyone still has questions, feel free to dm me, I'll answer honestly and offer whatever detail you want.
I hope this tread will help someone else one day.

With love,
Andrew

@AXES I rarely go to that dungeon. Only when I feel that i've hit rock bottom. But rn I'm way under the rock bottom..I still can't imagine this happend..and i can't ever imagine myself to get attached to anyone else...just because I know I will never get to experience those beautiful moments between us, I know i'll never find someone like. Atleast someone like she used to be.. :(
I also can't hold myself from helping her, I love her too much, i don't care what she did, but I can never pass the cheating...And this affects me the most..I will never be able to be with her again...
Yesterday she just got fired after they found out we broke ( I'm a friend with the Administrator , but I didn't tell anyone anything.. ), so i asked a friend of her to ask her if she needs everything. My ex said that she's broke so I sent the money to my friend to give to my ex..I don't want her to know anything about me anymore, but i still feel like too much of me is missing, not just missing, but killed..

Uptade: I just got confirmed that she cheated. My Ex just met with a common friend ( i knew her before she did ) and my ex was with that guy. After they met she texted me telling everything about my ex and that guy and that she's with him from the beggining of november. I'm trying so hard not to interact with their lives, especially when I know that he came with his car to pick her up with her baggage from my place, even if i didn't came outside.
P.S. I want to thank everyone so much for showing you support, it really matters for me

@AXES Thanks, but honestly idk what I want anymore...everything is just maxed up and it sucks even more knowing that this will be the 1st new year in 8 years when i will not hug her or the 1st year in 10 years when I won’t be with her..This is also the 1st time when I’m sharing my feelings with anyone except her..
I wont lie, I’m really scared for what I’m going to do at the end of december...
The only benefit that i have rn is that I’m the ceo, so I can take a few days off..
P.S. I’m sorry for any gramatical mistake, but cant focus...
The only moments when I can empty my mind is at one underground gym, but I cant stay longer than ~ 40 mins and after that I need to Take another 30 mins before I’m able to drive back home

@Hyde Can’t wait to talk with someone that knows what this is

Hey everyone !
3 days ago I just ended a long term relationship. We were together since jan 1st 2013 and she was my best friends for a few more years before that. This monday she texted me that she’ll spend the night over her friend , i knew her friend and I didn’t care. The next morning she wasnt answering her phone and I called her friend. She didn’t know anything about about her and at that point i felt devastated. I also asked how many times did my gf sleep over her place and her reply was “twice”, but my gf told me she slept at her atleast 10 times.
I used to be a really cold person. I didnt spend a tear or feel anything much when my dad died ( i was 12 ), or when my mom got cancer ( 10 years ago ), or when my best friend from childbood died in a car accident, but with her, it was different. She’s the 1st and only person I ever got atached to and eventually in love. This being said, I hope you can imagine how i feel right now. She was the only1 I got. My whole family, my whole crew, my whole life.
I feel like I want to die, I hate myself for my whole life, I hate myself for letting her go, I hate myself because I know I would never be able to forgive or forget that she cheated. I feel like the only 2 options left are either going back in time or suicide. I don’t usually drink ( maybe a Glass 2 or 3 times / year ), but now I want to get wasted, to pass out and never wake up.
This was the 1st night in 3 days when i was able to fall asleep, but i dreamed about her. She was next to me in bed, reading. It wasnt much, but she was so beautiful and i didnt want to diturb her. Unfortunately, moments later i woke up in tears and i’m still crying for more that a few hours.
I honestly feel like my life just ended..tryed to contact her, I wanted to know atleast if she’s ok, if she needs anything, but she yelled at me to stay out of her life.
I keep thinking about past years and I can’t Find what I did wrong, but now I regret not hugging her more, not kissing her more, I just wanted her not to feel suffocated.
I’m with her since I was 18 and she was 17 , but before that I had plenty relationships. I didnt get the cance to feel heartbroken because i never cared about anyone except me at that time. This is like the 1st heartbreak i ever got in my life and it is way worse at this time.
This will be my 1st xmass and new year w/o her in years...