Best posts made by AndrewJhn6

Being responsible for my own happiness

Hey everyone !
3 days ago I just ended a long term relationship. We were together since jan 1st 2013 and she was my best friends for a few more years before that. This monday she texted me that she’ll spend the night over her friend , i knew her friend and I didn’t care. The next morning she wasnt answering her phone and I called her friend. She didn’t know anything about about her and at that point i felt devastated. I also asked how many times did my gf sleep over her place and her reply was “twice”, but my gf told me she slept at her atleast 10 times.
I used to be a really cold person. I didnt spend a tear or feel anything much when my dad died ( i was 12 ), or when my mom got cancer ( 10 years ago ), or when my best friend from childbood died in a car accident, but with her, it was different. She’s the 1st and only person I ever got atached to and eventually in love. This being said, I hope you can imagine how i feel right now. She was the only1 I got. My whole family, my whole crew, my whole life.
I feel like I want to die, I hate myself for my whole life, I hate myself for letting her go, I hate myself because I know I would never be able to forgive or forget that she cheated. I feel like the only 2 options left are either going back in time or suicide. I don’t usually drink ( maybe a Glass 2 or 3 times / year ), but now I want to get wasted, to pass out and never wake up.
This was the 1st night in 3 days when i was able to fall asleep, but i dreamed about her. She was next to me in bed, reading. It wasnt much, but she was so beautiful and i didnt want to diturb her. Unfortunately, moments later i woke up in tears and i’m still crying for more that a few hours.
I honestly feel like my life just ended..tryed to contact her, I wanted to know atleast if she’s ok, if she needs anything, but she yelled at me to stay out of her life.
I keep thinking about past years and I can’t Find what I did wrong, but now I regret not hugging her more, not kissing her more, I just wanted her not to feel suffocated.
I’m with her since I was 18 and she was 17 , but before that I had plenty relationships. I didnt get the cance to feel heartbroken because i never cared about anyone except me at that time. This is like the 1st heartbreak i ever got in my life and it is way worse at this time.
This will be my 1st xmass and new year w/o her in years...

@Hyde Can’t wait to talk with someone that knows what this is

UPDATE (and the last1 on this topic) :
I found out she was cheating on me at least since February, with more than 3 guys.
This may sound weird, but I felt a relief.
I realized this wasn't my fault and it was her choice and there was nothing I could do.
I finally was able to smile, laugh, eat, feel at peace, love myself and respect myself more than I ever did.
I "tested" to see if I really feel better. I tried to go to the cinema w/o her, to see if I can enjoy it alone( For many years I went only with her at the cinema). Not just that I enjoyed, but it was better than the last years. It made me realize I have to be responsible for my happiness, I could chose the movie, where to eat, if I wanted coffee or not. Overall, it was amazing. I even pushed it even further. I knew she used to love frozen and not many hours ago i thought i will never be able to see that movie. But I went to frozen and it was an amazing movie, an amazing experience and I felt refreshed.
All that hate that i had felt for myself transformed into self esteem and love, because I knew I acted like a gentleman until the very end and it was nothing I could've changed.
The hardest step was to forgive myself for not being good enough to be with her. And if I didn't receive this news about her, I would still be at the rock bottom.
All of this happened so fast, I can barely remember the last few days. I smoked 22 Cigarette packs from Tuesday until now.
Overall, I would like to thank everyone for their support. W/o you guys I would've never had the power to try and find out the truth. I really appreciate your support.
If anyone still has questions, feel free to dm me, I'll answer honestly and offer whatever detail you want.
I hope this tread will help someone else one day.

With love,
Andrew