My therapist threw me out

[Intp22F]

Any doctors (psychologist) here? Mine threw me out! After 4 years apparently I'm "a lost cause" and "make her doubt herself" also "I should try religion" so...

I'm only writing this to see if anyone has new ideas to keep me alive, not for my sake but for my family's.

I'm suicidal since I was 14, my only motivation to not do it was to not hurt my mom, who I love way too much, but honestly I'm losing my patience here. Recently discussed a suicide pact with her (she changed the subject).

My problem is that I'm LAZY. I don't care about myself of the future, at all. Never did. I only care for a small group of people that I love, and hate for keeping me here out of guilt.
I do things because I have too, that was enough for a while, but I'm getting tired and the clock is ticking. I have a feeling this year is not gonna end for me.

I'm sick all the time, since I was 7 I take daily painkillers. My whole body is a weak mess that gets worse and worse with the weeks. The healthcare in my country is really bad or expensive, I have no money. I only enjoy sleeping, stopped watching series, writing and drawing 3 years ago. Now I don't even read. Sports are out of the question, meditation too. I take 3 different meds for depression and anxiety.

My only two options right now are: Death or permanent coma.

Sorry if it's too ranty, I'm kinda running low on time.

[Johannes Julians]

@Intp22F Oh God, that is very heartbreaking...I may not be a doctor, but I consider myself to be more of a listener..I escaped suicidal notions roused by academic pressure, and it was with some real tough and honest work..I once had a friend too, and she was, not to my knowledge, extremely depressed. After holidays, when I asked about for her, people stared at me with weird faces, and that is when I realized that something horrible had happened..
Since then, I have made a vow to myself..I will allow myself to help those who are in need, because I bear the proud temporary of Project Semicolon, and I know what being there looks like.
It does sound preferable to me that you could use a friend instead of a professional doctor, though!

[Intp22F]

@Johannes-Julians I hope you feel better now, is great that you help people that go through this, I admire this a lot.

I have a group of friends that listen to me, sadly they all have problems themselves; it seems that troubled people look out for each other. I wish that the help they offer me was enough, but sadly it isn't.

[Johannes Julians]

@Intp22F I do, thanks for asking! This incident is over 3 years old, so I am kind of over it, although I feel scarred up to date considering she was my biggest crush at that time at school...I take great pleasure in sharing my experience and using my incidence to exemplify why one should not commit this hateful deed, to help others. My approach may be amateur, but idc, honestly.