Posts made by somedumbguy

can't complain - although I do miss my puppies.. ooo my doggies :( haven't seen them in 6 months

Hello how's life?

I had a.. well not quite a fight more of a discussion with my sister-in-law. Her hubby is my younger brother. I'm an expat and spend most of my time overseas but when I'm back I usually stay with my brother and her and their two young kids. We never really discussed this arrangement explicitly - just came to pass and it's how we've carried on the past 10 years or so. We're all in our mid-to-late thirties.

Anyway, we sat down a few days ago to have an open discussion about our relationship. I opened by asking her to let me know if anything I said was coming off as condescending - as although I don't ever have any intention of coming off that way I think that sometimes does happen. I also stated that my only real hope in having a chat like this was to better understand one another.

I started by simply asking if she was ok with the fact that I live with her while I'm back - this particular interval has been longer due to covid and travel restrictions. We'd never really addressed it explicitly. Overall sounds like we're both ok with the arrangements, understanding there will always be some friction when you live with another human. We're both somewhat reasonable adults so we manage.

We then got into a discussion about an event that transpired at a social gathering a few days prior wherein she felt attacked by me, my brother (her hubby), and my other brother and responded with attacks of her own.

I think pretty much everything I said to her was responded to as if it was an attack.. despite by best efforts at every turn to pull out of a me vs you conversation into a discussion where we were both on the same side of the table. She misinterpreted most of what I said and I struggled to correct those misunderstanding as they happened in real time.

In the middle of this part of this discussion after she finished one of her rebuttals to something I had said (which again was not at all intended to be an attack/judgment of any sort) I tried to offer an olive branch in the form of "Hey, you know I advocate for you and defend you when you're not around." To which she defiantly responded "like to who, I'm not sure I believe that." I mentioned my mother as an example.

Didn't really have any effect as the conversation continued with me trying to clarify and gain a better understanding of her thought/feelings and being received as an attacker.. not getting any real authentic/genuine feedback. I was very frustrated by the inability to get her to understand the real meaning of anything I was saying. I was visibly disheartened by the experience. I felt completely defeated as I felt I approached her with open arms and an open mind willing to examine myself, her, our relationship.. willing to be vulnerable even.. and it was met mostly with attacks. She condescended me, talked to me like she was disciplining a child at one point, judged, invalidated, and perhaps most disturbing seemingly has written me off in some ways.

A few hours later I received an text from my mother stating she was very upset with me. I texted her back and she informed me that my sister in law had told her "somedumbguy told me that you talk trash about me. Is that true? I don't know if he just said that to try to hurt me or..."

I spoke to my mother on the phone for the better part of an hour explaining that what my sis-in-law had said was not true. She was flat out lying and, per usual, exaggerating/fudging things. I let my Mom know I would never violate her trust and discuss what her and I talk about concerning my sis-in-law - what she says in confidence to me is kept in confidence. I told her exactly what I said to my sis-in-law and further promised I would never even mention my mom again in conversation with my sis-in-law.

I was speechless.. I felt quite hurt and a little betrayed.. Sis and I hadn't explicitly declared we wouldn't talk about our discussion with others.. soo not a big deal that she did poke my mom about it... but the lie - which I can only gather was built upon a worst-case assumption about my saying I've advocated and defended her - that really stung.

Firstly for the complete misunderstanding.. if she had asked she'd have found out nothing near that was what I meant by saying what I said - far more innocuous.. but 2ndly because I felt my olive branch had been taken - widdled down into a small spear - and then used to stab me in the back. My olive branch was seen as an attack - per her statements to my Mom.. that she thought me saying something about advocating/defending her was in fact an attempt at attacking her.

Just curious for some feedback on this. I decided not to continue the conversation unless she opens it back up with me.. and also probably not without a 3rd party present.