Chapter I need you to rate.



  • Hi! How good is this chapter?

    Story I made a couple years ago.

    CRIMINALS IN LOVE

    CHAPTER ONE

    I stepped out of the house, taking a deep breath of fresh air. I listened to the sound of the owls hooting and the bat's wings flapping. I watched as the fireflies lit up the night sky and as the stars twinkled brightly among the dark background.

    "What a night." I breathed, as I slowly started jogging for the hills

    My pace was slow but as I got higher I ran faster until I was in a full sprint.

    My size wasn't bad. I was 5'7, and 105 pounds. So, I was skinny. But to be honest, I don't know how I maintain my weight. I can't be honest and at the same time say I eat healthily. If you get what I mean. My metabolism is higher than most, and I can exaggerate the "higher than most" part by 100.

    I kept running, at small moments taking tiny sips of water.

    Sorry, where are my manners? My name is Seemee Efren(C me-F run), I'm 16 and not only is my health a bit strange so is my appearance. I have deadly pale skin, a silverish white shade of hair, and emerald green eyes.

    I enjoy running, biking, and sit-ups when it comes to exercises. In my free time, which is mostly all the time, I draw fictional creatures, fashionable outfits, and I love drawing and creating my own Animation and Manga. I also love to bake, which feeds my severe sweet tooth.

    Um... Oh! I have one sibling, my older brother. As much as he is annoying, I couldn't live without him. But, a tiny detail I should mention. I'm adopted! So our appearance varies largely, very largely.

    He's like every other boy, he has black hair and pale blue eyes. He is 16, we're a month apart, very muscular, and he is also 5'8. He has light chocolate skin and a tattoo on the back of his neck, it says, 'United We Stand'. At school, he is branded as the "Bad-boy". But in reality, he's just a huge softie. His name is Andrew by the way.

    My mom and Jason are divorced. Andrew switches homes with them every other week. But, I stay with mom. I was actually the reason for the divorce.

    You see, they found me in an alley behind a local Shop. I was around four and I was super thin, my hair was so matted to my head that they had to shave it off. One of my ribs was nearly broken and I had scratches all over myself. A sight would be an understatement.

    I finally reached the top of the hill. It was very beautiful. I walked over to a large box and cooler I had left here years ago.

    Inside was a black picnic blanket, 3 bottles of water, 2 salami sandwiches, 5 little boxes of grapes, and a magenta throw pillow.

    Every night I get my daily exercise by running up this hill and running back down. But, sometimes I don't want to leave right away. So, every night I grab 1 extra sandwich, a bottle of water, and 2 extra grape boxes. I leave it here for the next night and so forth.

    The hill I had picked was... How would you say, closed off? It was surrounded by trees at its base and only got thicker as you get higher.

    But, at the top, there was a little clearing. I'd say it was 8 feet in all directions. In a circle-like shape.

    You could say that this place was my... Escape. My refuge when things went wrong at home, school, or work.

    My mom taught me how to cook. One day, a friend of my moms came over. I cooked that night!

    Apparently, he really liked it and said he had a friend of his who owns a restaurant.

    So, every weekend I go and cook there. I get 10 dollars per hour. It actually suits me pretty good. Better than what my allowance was, that's for sure. I got 5 dollars every other Friday! We're not even poor! But, something is better than nothing I guess...

    Anyway! I laid the black picnic blanket down and grabbed my magenta pillow and placed it in the top left corner. I grabbed all of my Salami sandwiches, 3 grape boxes, and a bottle of water. I was really hungry. I haven't eaten breakfast, lunch, or dinner!

    My day has been more than hectic.

    FLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACKFLASHBACK

    Wee Oh

    Wee Oh

    Wee-

    I slammed my fist onto my alarm, probably breaking it. The sun was shining through the blinds, it hurts! Slowly rolling out of bed, I suddenly hit the floor, with a ringing in my ears.

    Muttering a string of curse words that, thankfully, could reach my ears and my ears only.

    I pushed myself off the floor. Striving and yearning to reach the bathroom door without passing in and out of consciousness.

    In a quick few seconds, I somehow started kissing the floor.

    Again, I pushed myself off the floor and headed to the bathroom.

    I did my business and took a quick cold shower. I stepped out and turned to look at the mirror.

    "Ooh," I mumbled in distaste, seeing my reflection.

    My hair was partly matted down to my head, but the flops that weren't were lopped over on the other side and over my face. Which made me look like a zombie considering my skin tone.

    I shivered.

    I quickly grabbed my brush and combed my hair down. Since my hair reached to somewhere around my waist, I was able to get creative. I pulled it all together and the made a Fishtail braid and turned it into a bun. It was very pretty. I roughed it up a little bit, so it has a few strands of hair hanging around my face, just to give it this edgy type look.

    I walked out of the bathroom and headed to my amber dresser. The wood on my dresser was very smooth and shiny.

    Opening the dresser I grabbed my black skinny jeans, dark purple tank top, black combat boots, and brown leather jacket.

    I ran to my side table and grabbed my backpack. I made sure everything was inside it.

    My phone, charger, earplugs, notebooks, pens and pencils, my allowance, and last but not least... My poop Emoji pillow morphed with the purple Devil Emoji. It is so cute!

    Finally done getting dressed, I rushed downstairs for some quick breakfast.

    I was about to grab my lunch bag from the counter and my pop tart that was next to it. Before my brother grabbed me by the hand and dragged me out of the Kitchen. Thankfully, we made it to the bus, but my breakfast and lunch didn't have such luck.

    After a long day at School, the bus dropped my brother and me off, a block away from our house.

    "So, dad's coming over tonight. For 'dinner'." Andrew scoffed then sighed. He continued walking but leaned towards me, I proceeded to put my head on his shoulder. His dad only comes over for 'dinner', when he picks Andrew up.

    I brought my hand up and rubbed his back in a circular motion. Not only is it stressful for him to constantly go back and forth between parents, it's stressful for me too.

    Jason, Andrew's dad, wants nothing to do with me. Right after they found me, he wanted to put me in an orphanage. Mom said no because she said I might be tossed back and forth from homes, because of how I look. Just like most of the society, he thinks I'm a freak. But, who can blame him? He divorced mom after three years of me being there. Anny and I were 7.

    "Anny, you know you don't have to go if you don't want to. You can help me at the Picardo's, on the weekends. I'm sure Mr. Fredick will pay you. He is a bit short staffed." I chuckled.

    "Ya, but if I don't go, then dad will take it the wrong way. Then there will be no chance of getting mom and dad back together." He said reasoning. He let go of me as we got closer to the house.

    I sighed, and put my hands in my pockets. We both walked in a sad but comfortable silence.

    He doesn't understand, Jason will never like me. I would be more than happy to have his family back together, but I know he won't. Not if I'm here.

    I stopped walking and looked down, Andrew, a few steps ahead stopped walking as well. He turned to look at me with worried eyes.

    "What is it?" He asked, walking towards me.

    I decided to voice my thoughts, "Andrew, you and I both know that Jason doesn't like me, right?" I asked, looking up at him. My tears were threatening to fall.

    "Hey, don't cry." He said, coming up to hug me, but nodded his head to answer my question. I continued, "Well, what if I left?" He tensed. "I mean, you and your parents would be back together. You'd have your family again!" I said quickly. Tears were spilling out of my eyes, not coming under control.

    Andrew quickly stopped hugging me and grabbed me by the shoulders, he looked me in the eyes with a look that read, 'What the hell are you thinking?'.

    "Seemee, no! You have been with me most of my life! Dad was the one who decided to leave, not you!" He yelled, shaking me by the shoulders.

    "But-." I tried.

    "But nothing. You are staying." He said quickly. He wiped away my tears then grabbed my hand as we ran towards the house.

    Within a few seconds, we were at the front door of our house. Anny turned to me and wiped away some of the remaining tears. I smiled up at him then took a deep breath.

    I opened the door to see a sight that left me shocked. Inside my mom was leaning against the staircase steps, her hand trying, but failing, to protect her from being struck. In front of her, Jason had his fist clenched and reaching to hit her in the face.

    I dropped my bag that was hanging loosely from my shoulders and sprinted for the vase that had peppermint leaves in it. I grabbed it then smashed it onto his head, right before he hit her.

    He quickly turned to me, blinking many times, then he fell. He fell down from the multiple steps and hit his head again on the railing.

    I looked towards my mom who was crying. Her hands were shaking as she grabbed the carpeted steps behind her. Her tan arms were bruised and cut, as well as her face. Her blonde hair was in chaos, with blood thrown in random places. Her pale blue eyes were red from crying.

    I heard police sirens from behind me. I turn around and see Andrew tucking his phone back into his pocket, he nodded his head, then ran over to mom. I turned around to look at Jason.

    His shaggy black hair was combed back, only a few strands hung loosely. His brown eyes opening and closing. His dark chocolate skin held no marks, which meant that mom hadn't tried to defend herself. Must have been caught off guard, once she figured it out, she must have been too scared.

    "You'll pay for that, failure." He said, his voice strained. Hate, although, was clear. But when he called me a failure, it wasn't as if he hated me, though he did. It was as if, he knew something about me, I didn't.

    After a few minutes, the police had arrived. They took Jason away, as well as mom. They said that Jason would go to jail, but my mom will go to the Hospital. Also, that we have to stay home until we are called for our statements.

    I gave the police my phone number, seeing as we don't own a house phone.

    "She will be okay, though right?" I asked the dark police lady in front of me.

    "I'm sure she will be fine. Based on what I saw. All she got were bruises and scratches. Nothing that could permanently harm her." She said. She shook my hand then left for her police car.

    I turned around and walked back to the house. Andrew was sitting on the steps, his head in his hands. He was shaking.

    I slowly came toward him and sat down beside him. I put my arm around his back and situated him so he was laying on my lap. I took strands of his hair and twirled them around my fingers, while I rubbed his back at the same time.

    I started humming a song I didn't even know. Leaning back against one of the steps, I leaned my head against the step above it.

    About thirty minutes passed and Andrew was lightly snoring in my lap. I leaned forward and smiled down at him.

    Slowly and carefully I took his head off of my lap and stood up.

    In front of me lay a 16-year-old boy, who was heartbroken. That was when I noticed my pants were wet where my knees were. I frowned and went to my room and changed into a pair of black leggings, my white tank top, and my red Niki sneakers. I ran back downstairs and he was still there.

    I lightly tapped him, waking him up, but only partially. I silently picked him up and put his arm around my neck. I helped him up the steps and to his room. I sat him on the bed and walked to his closet. I dug through his clothes, trying to find his pajamas.

    "Ow!" I yelped. I pulled my hand out and sucked on my pinky, while I quickly looked towards Andrew who was still sleeping.

    My hand hit something. I dug back in a searched for it. I was metal, I kept feeling, and leather. It was in the shape of an L. I grabbed it and pulled it out from the clothes.

    "Oh no," I whispered. In my hands was a silver pistol.

    "No, no, no, no, please God, no!" I kept whispering. I clicked the button that released the magazine. I counted the bullets.

    "No," I whispered again. A bullet was missing. Nine out of ten bullets were in the magazine.

    Turning the safe the On, I stuffed it behind my back.

    Looking towards Andrew, I whispered, "What have you gotten yourself into, Andrew?" I asked.

    I sighed then went back into his closet. After two more minutes of looking for pajamas, I finally found a white shirt and gray sweatpants.

    I stood up and closed the closet. Turning around and walked to Andrew. I cleaned him up and took his dark blue jeans off(he wears underwear) and slipped his sweatpants on. I then sat him up and took off his bright blue shirt and slipped on his white one.

    I slightly chuckled and smiled to myself as I laid him down and pulled the blanket so it was under his chin.

    I sighed then walked out of the room to mine, which was next door. I walked in and went to my dresser.

    I sighed and rubbed the bridge of my nose. Opening the door I leaned into the very back. Opening the secret compartment in the wood, I put the gun in, and closed it again, then closed the dresser. When I first came here I explored my room, I found that compartment and I have been using it ever since.

    Walking out of my room, I closed the door. Running downstairs I grabbed the food. Then walked out of the house and ran.

    ENDFLASHBACKENDFLASHBACKENDFLASHBACKENDFLASHBACK



  • its not that long however it did feel longer than it actually was. didnt really like how the characters were introduced. instead of her telling us who and how they are, show it? not now, maybe in the later chapters? instead of also using numbers to tell how tall or light or different she is, use more words and again show us. understand what the flashback is for but i also didnt like how the transition from present to past was.. didnt really work for me. its lacking the fire which first chapters or prologues need to engage its readers. id say start from the flashback and remove the first part.

    these arejust suggestions. youre still 12 and youve made this years ago! good for you 🙌 go read more books write read write.



  • @anonymousangel the book title is too teenager love story esk so I'm not feeling good about it and i won't read it and i highly suggest that you find a more mature title



  • By summerizing method of mine, i believe that story is goddamn perfct, u did good especially that part of
    FLASHBACK FLASHBACK FLASHBACK
    keep it up tho.

    .
    .ill be glad if u summerize it lmao
    Jk



  • @zoobie said in Chapter I need you to rate.:

    @alwaysstranger this is not a better way to improve someone

    It is



  • @anonymousangel sounds cool tho, u good at this angel, keep it up



  • @anonymousangel dayum are you expecting us to read that all?



  • @zoobie IKR



  • @alwaysstranger this is not a better way to improve someone



  • Thanks Ragnar, I had a summary somewhere, I just can't find it. Lol, I thought so too on the Flashbacks.



  • @Ragnar-Lothbrok
    Summary:

    In which two Criminals are on the run from their past mistakes and past loves, how they will cope with newfound secrets, until they can find home once again?

    AARRGGHH, it sounds so cheesy!



  • @alwaysstranger No, not really.



  • Thank you, Ragnar! 🙂



  • You never know, maybe those are some of the readers.



  • @veitak You think I'm full of myself?



  • @anonymousangel Also, I'm not good at writing, I just do it cuz it's fun.



  • @veitak Kk, thank you for your opinion and I will change it on the next one I post tomorrow.



  • @anonymousangel thank you



  • @khai Thank you so much for your ideas, I will definitely work on that. Thank you again. 🙂



  • @zoobie It's not that much, it takes 2 minutes 3 at most.


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