So yada yada yada, I've been on a self help journey for almost 5 years now. Various stages, different things that needed work on, all that jazz. Now though, not really uncharted waters, but my brain is going on overdrive so i need some outside opinion.

Im working on this whole inner-child thing where you become your own mother and father. Ive managed, in some ways, to become my own mother, I think. Either way, I don't crave any sort of wanted attention for that side. I think it has to do with me coming to terms with that pain and understanding of sorts. I see my mother as another person, and myself as someone who I can confide with. I'm getting better with the whole low-self esteem and confidence part, but, there's a bit of a hiccup.

I haven't really been able to work on the father part.

-and i don't wanna like, overshare, but I feel like this is the best way to understand what i mean.

I love watching or reading anything that has genuine dad loving their kid content. And even as someone who is grown (19) I still crave for that affection of a father figure.

My own dad (who although was never abusive or dismissive towards me) had an addiction to drugs. All the things I known about him ( his abusive history with my mom, drug use, past) all came from the stories my mother told me. I would had probably never known any of those things if it weren't for my mother telling me them (which is probably why I had more of a dislike towards her).

My dad always told me he loved me, and took interest with the things I like. He always taught me something new, and I feel like I could have really expanding into the field of science had he been a constant in my life (unlike my mother who had been emotionally abusive)But, him being in and out of prison, stealing, and just not being there when I needed him the most, I think severed that bond to the bone.

I feel like, had he not had that addiction he would have been a great father. Which seeps into the now.

Now, hes been I m programs and is pretty much clean. He's gotten a job with help from his programs, and has been staying in contact with me, trying to actively be in my life, but I don't know how to let him.

Its weird, cus I want that bond, but, I also feel like Im to old to grow the bond that I wish I had. I look at media, the good kind i mean, where they show healthy relationships with your parents and it just feels so odd.

I want that relationship, but I also just want to run and be done. I'm grateful for him wanting to be there, but I also just want to fix myself up without not only him, but my mother also.

I've grown to become an independent human, still craving that relationship, but also not wanting to lose their independence. I don't want to rely on him to fix that personal issue. I feel like there is something I'm not realizing with this. I think its just me being blinded by unnecessary mindsets and emotions, so having an outsider opinion on this would do greatly. Thank you