Gone for several days

When I say I want to kill myself,
It does not mean I am suicidal.
When I say I want to die,
It does not mean I am depressed.

When you ask me if a fast moving truck was coming my way,
Would I stay there in place,
I would reply I would fucking run out of my way ‘cause I refuse to let a truck take this life.
A Lamborghini, perhaps.

When you ask if I would voluntarily jump off a cliff, would I do it?
I wouldn’t reply immediately. I would think.
I would think of how many common and stereotypical ways you could think of on killing oneself.
But to be honest, I also wouldn’t know the answer to that.

When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean, I want to crawl back into bed and under the covers because there, I feel at peace.
When I say I want to die,
I mean, I want to stop time at any time I want and click resume on my own will.

When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean, I want to shut the whole world up.
When I say I want to die,
I mean, I want to take a breather and not get judged as being lazy.

When I say I want to die or I want to kill myself,
I don’t mean it literally.
I’ve discovered I don’t mean anything literally.

When I say I want to take a nap,
I say, I’m getting pressured and I need a timeout.
When I say I don’t care,
I say, I do care but nobody really cares about my opinion so why bother?

When I say I don’t want to go to school,
It means I’m tired of always trying my best but always end up being second or third.
When I say I’m going to be late to school,
It means I don’t want to try again because I know I’ll end up being second or third.

When I say I want to stay home,
It means my anxiety and depression is refusing to let me go from my bed.
When I say I want to not go home yet,
It means I’m tired of being put on a pedestal and end up failing.

When I say I want to run away,
It means I’m tired of not seeing my dad when I go downstairs.
When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean it as a joke.

And when I say I want to die,
I mean, jokes are always half-meant.
When I say I want to kill myself,
I mean, I’m tired.

When you ask if I’m suicidal or if I’m depressed,
I would reply the exact same fucking thing I’ve been saying,
Like a broken record,
Without missing a beat,

I would say I’m just tired...
fucking tired of existing.

— kahel r.,
when i say i want to kill myself