Why am I still alive?





  • a lot of depressions comes from simply NOT knowing how to live "successfully". WE are constantly compared by people to the lives of other people and we can't be "other people". In time we do it to ourselves too. We miss out discovering what we can do, and fixate on what we cannot do. I remember going to ballroom dancing lessons with my ex-wife and having her sighing and moaning about how hopeless I was at it, then we divorced, and I met another lady. This lady knew how to follow her male dancing partner and we made a great team. When one of us made a mistake we laughed and carried on. We enjoyed our dancing. My ex-wife couldnt enjoy her dancing because she was a bully, she had no idea how to follow her dancing partner, she constantly pulled him off balance so he didnt show her up, and she kept him controlled with her sighing and moaning. Families do this to us too. They frequently compare us to other family members having expectations of us and for us which are illogical. Let people go. Be there to support them in which ever direction they have leanings towards.

    The biggest controller in my life has been guilt. Guilt ladled on to me in layers by the people who raised me. Guilt for not being like other people. Guilt for being different. ( that was a big one, dished out like a sacks of wet sand stacked on my shoulders - and then laughed at for failing in my attempts to carry it all and failing to succeed in the manner that they recognised as success). Idiots.

    Rejection came next. Phew, thats a heavy one for a child to work thru. A social worker described me as an "alien child" because I was the child who no one wanted, the child who was different, the child who spent lots of time on its own so it would not have to suffer the insults, the humiliation, the being laughed at, and the huge sense of not belonging anywhere. Those disgusting people knew no different, they were trained by their parents to behave like that, with a mantra that said what happens indoors stays indoors - that way, of course, they cant be corrected and proved to be wrong in their behavour.

    I still repeat what I say about depression is unexpressed anger. And much of that anger is being angry at not being allowed to express ourselves without condemnation or criticsm. Learning assertiveness is tough, but most people can be taught. Sometimes we can redress the balance of power with words, words that can cut someone down so they instantly learn a new respect for us, and this too we can learn.

    And there is much truth in that saying, if at first you dont succeed, try, try, try, again,
    Frequently, its anothejr person, or persons, who need to change.


 

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