people do be kinda mean doe😶
𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖙𝖔𝖗𝖒 𝖎𝖘 𝖈𝖔𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖎 𝖆𝖒 𝖎𝖙.
i just want to put how ive been feeling lately somewhere, so im thinking this might be a good place but who knowsss?
im listening to lust for life - lana del rey, the demo version, and i guess it has me thinking a little bit?
im really excited for my 17th birthday, and i havent been this excited about my birthday in a long long time. my birthday has never been bad, but i guess that whole thing where you get older and like your birthday less thing is happening? who cares lol, doesnt matter.
what DOES matter is this birthday i think will be the most, if not one of the most, meaningful birthdays ill have! hahaha
when i was 10 (which is soon to have been 7 years ago!) my life changed so much. i entered 5th grade and life twisted(?) for me in so many ways.
i had depression at this point i think? family life was totally different, it all got fucked up.
somewhere in that year i started cutting myself, and became soooo suicidal.
its just such an important... bookmark? in my memory for obvious reasons. ill never forget it all.
anyways, the point is i never believed i would actually make it to being 16. i didnt want to, i begged that i wouldnt. i wanted to kill myself and yet i still couldnt so i just put all my effort into willing myself to die as sooon as possible.
i didnt want to get here, i literally thought it COULDNT and SHOULDNT happen. i was so so sure that i would die before or by 16, and i told myself if i got to be 16 and all my hoping had no success, i would do it myself, i had promised myself.
but here i ammm!! its been a rough fucking year so far.
but im here, and im so fucking proud of myself.
i had... 2 or 3 suicude attempts this year, a lot of shit has still changed. but it seems to be only getting better and i actually hope it keeps going that direction.
turning 17 is gonna prove ME wrong and it actually feels amazing.
ive gotten help in a lot of ways and ive been clean of cuts for a couple months now, and even though that doesnt even hold weight compared to 7 years of scarring myself i dont give a fuck, ill always be a cutter but im getting better! lol
i dont know. this post is a mess but fuck yeah, i was wrong and im here and i will be here for longer i hope, and i actually DO hope that :)
funny, during the worst part of this year i found this site and i actually think it helped me get better in some ways, and i got to meet amazing people too.
i dont know, maybe some day i can explain this all better but i just wanna write i guess
i dont know anything lmfao
:) but im happy right now so who cares :)
17 here i come? XD
yes, even though its really really cringy,
here i come! :)
if anyone sees this, dont judge how bad it is LMFAO