shouldn't care,

BUT

people do be kinda mean doe

who's even still around on here? whoever is, hiii, missed ya, come steal me i hate it here!!! ok gonna try to get 30 mins of sleep b4school (; byree

i just want to put how ive been feeling lately somewhere, so im thinking this might be a good place but who knowsss?

im listening to lust for life - lana del rey, the demo version, and i guess it has me thinking a little bit?

im really excited for my 17th birthday, and i havent been this excited about my birthday in a long long time. my birthday has never been bad, but i guess that whole thing where you get older and like your birthday less thing is happening? who cares lol, doesnt matter.

what DOES matter is this birthday i think will be the most, if not one of the most, meaningful birthdays ill have! hahaha

when i was 10 (which is soon to have been 7 years ago!) my life changed so much. i entered 5th grade and life twisted(?) for me in so many ways.
i had depression at this point i think? family life was totally different, it all got fucked up.
somewhere in that year i started cutting myself, and became soooo suicidal.
its just such an important... bookmark? in my memory for obvious reasons. ill never forget it all.

anyways, the point is i never believed i would actually make it to being 16. i didnt want to, i begged that i wouldnt. i wanted to kill myself and yet i still couldnt so i just put all my effort into willing myself to die as sooon as possible.

i didnt want to get here, i literally thought it COULDNT and SHOULDNT happen. i was so so sure that i would die before or by 16, and i told myself if i got to be 16 and all my hoping had no success, i would do it myself, i had promised myself.

but here i ammm!! its been a rough fucking year so far.

but im here, and im so fucking proud of myself.
i had... 2 or 3 suicude attempts this year, a lot of shit has still changed. but it seems to be only getting better and i actually hope it keeps going that direction.

turning 17 is gonna prove ME wrong and it actually feels amazing.

ive gotten help in a lot of ways and ive been clean of cuts for a couple months now, and even though that doesnt even hold weight compared to 7 years of scarring myself i dont give a fuck, ill always be a cutter but im getting better! lol

i dont know. this post is a mess but fuck yeah, i was wrong and im here and i will be here for longer i hope, and i actually DO hope that

funny, during the worst part of this year i found this site and i actually think it helped me get better in some ways, and i got to meet amazing people too.

i dont know, maybe some day i can explain this all better but i just wanna write i guess

i dont know anything lmfao

but im happy right now so who cares

17 here i come? XD
yes, even though its really really cringy,
here i come!

if anyone sees this, dont judge how bad it is LMFAO

i'm dead XD but we did set the bar. i'm glad our presences were appreciated lmfaooo everyone come back pls )':

i cannot wait to get my license i feel like things are gonna be different when i do!!!!

poprocks mfkrrrrr

@sup THANK YOU LOVELY I WILL TRY ONCE AGAIN TO STICK AROUND AT LEAST A BIT

@Eucalyptus thank you!!! so excited for freedom!! lolll, and yes!! on monday coming up, the 18th!!! ill post if pass, i really hope i do!!

i just drove home thru a snow storm for the first time so that was interesting. also there is a power outage in my area lol

yes, but i kept bitching out, so i lived

@ghomsi i shouldve took some, but i didn't want to pull over in case i got stuck in the snow or my truck stalled loll. if i can get some ill put them up!!

i just drove home thru a snow storm for the first time so that was interesting. also there is a power outage in my area lol

@Sassy thank you!!!!

@Sassy its so gonna be soooo worth it!!

@notyourboy thanks

@Eucalyptus thank you!!! so excited for freedom!! lolll, and yes!! on monday coming up, the 18th!!! ill post if pass, i really hope i do!!

@RexGreeley yes

i cannot wait to get my license i feel like things are gonna be different when i do!!!!

@sup THANK YOU LOVELY I WILL TRY ONCE AGAIN TO STICK AROUND AT LEAST A BIT

who's even still around on here? whoever is, hiii, missed ya, come steal me i hate it here!!! ok gonna try to get 30 mins of sleep b4school (; byree