I made a post a couple of days ago that said i have a rather sad lifestory. I would like to use this as a way to release my stress and maybe even get advice from other users! Proceed with caution!
It all started when i was young, i was quite a peculiar child. When children are young both males and females play together but in the later years they most often stray from another because of different interest. I am a female but even when the other girls started to notice boys, having sleepovers, playing with dolls. I would rather stay with the boys and fight with sticks and wrestle. This was not really much of a problem until the boys reached that age where they think girls are scary. Suddenly i was all alone and everytime i tried fitting in with the girls i was suddenly left out or completely uninterested in their ways of fun. I also started having trouble concentrating in school and had a lot of parent teacher meetings. Some of them involved biting or hitting the other children.( well they were bullying me). Later on i got diagnoses with DAMP ( who no longer exists so now i only say ADHD). I got alot of medication but only got anxiety or dropped alot of weight so it did not really work for me.
We also had some family problems at home, at that time i was to young to understand why and blindly believed in everything my parents told me. We are 3 girls in my family and im the middle one so i was often marked as the problemchild. I always been a daddy's girl and loved everything about his mechanics work and the tools he brought home to me to play with. My mother on the other hand.. we never got along. Always fighting and screaming at each other. My little sister was mommy's girl and would always take her side, even when not knowing why we were fighting. Every fight ended with my mother telling me what a problem i was for our family. Even at home i was all alone.
When i was around 8 or 9 years old i got admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks and had to go trough a gastroscopy. After 2 weeks i left the hospital with the answer that i had Gastroesophageal reflux disease triggered by stress. After 1 month on medicine to decrease acid production, i could finally live a "normal" life again. It flared up sometimes but the medicine always helped me.
When i was around 12 years old and was a little more understanding to my environment i noticed that my mother often got drunk and had big fights with my father. She would trash thing around her and afterwards just cry about her broken stuff. I never understood why back then and my father never gave me a good explanation. One night my older sister had a teen party with her friends and for some reason my mom was drinking too. I got nervous just from seeing her and went outside on the porch to have a calming talk with my father. 5 minutes in she comes rushing out, to drunk to even stand straight. All of a sudden she was speaking about how much she loves me and my 2 sisters. I did not understand why she suddenly had the urge to do that then.
As the night went on my father told my mother to stop drinking and go to bed. She would go to her bedroom only to rush out and continue the party. Finally everyone had went home and my family had went to bed. My little sister was such a mommy's girl she was still sleeping beside mommy in bed, even tough she was around 10 years old. In the middle of the night my little sister woke up to my mom making wierd snoring sounds and coughing. She got tired of it and went to sleep in her own bed. Just a little bit later my oldest sister woke up feeling pretty hangover and hungry. Walking past moms room she heard the wierd sounds coming from inside.
She walked in to the room and got a chock. Woke my father and he called an ambulance. In the middle of all this i woke up.. wondering why everyone was so loud i went to look. My older sister was sitting on the floor crying while my father was trying to slap my mother to consciousness. She had puked everywhere in her sleep and pills lay all over her floor. My dad and my sister were far to busy to notice me slipping past them and picking up a note on her bed. My father grabbed the note from me but it was to late. There i was 12 years old and i had just read my mothers suicide note.
When the ambulance finally came my little sister had woken up and went to look why we were all so loud. This time my father was fast to shove us all 3 into his room while the nurses took care of our mom. Both my sisters were crying hysterically but not me. I was confused i could not really grasp what was going on. My dad also made me promise to not mention the pills or the note to my youngest sister.
A few days later our mother was fine, but she was admitted to a psychiatric ward and could not leave before treatment. My father told me we needed to talk. As we sat down to talk he started telling me about Borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. As i said before i was only 12 years old and could not really understand the situation. He also told me the reason to why my mom and me was always fighting. Sure i was an energetic child but she had let out all her anger on me because she was sick and suicidal. He had never dared to step into the fights because that led to them fighting instead. And that would eventually led to divorce, and my mother had threatened him with suicide if that happened. He also told me thats this was not the first time this happened.. or the second. She had tried to take her life several times but he had always managed to hide it from our family. My mother has always had a psychiatrist and medicine for her condition.
This was a lot for a 12 year old to take in. I did not quite understand everything and my fathers way of telling the hard truth and not sugarcoat things made it all worse. The things i understood was, my mother does not want to live anymore she wants to leave her family behind.(That sounds selfish of me but remember i was 12 years old with no knowledge of mental disorders)
And i also understood that she had lied to me. I had believed her that i was this family's problem, only because i was an outcast at school she used me as an easy scapegoat. I got so mad and frustrated that even tough we lived under the same roof i tried to ignore her every living second of my life.
If you actually read to down here thank you! And unfortunately this is not the end of my story.. only the brief beginning that spun everything into motion. If people actually read this i could post the rest.