I am me a simple 16 year old boy yet filled with some many things so many complexities and so many simplicity's. I am that and so much more yet before that i was so much more different. I was once just an innocent child that did not see the ugliness of the world, the fault in his parents marriage the one that they somehow persevere in, nor did he see the bullies the asswhole, nor did he see the sexual appeal of women.
Yet there was a shift as there occurs in life. It did not happen fastly nor did it happen gradually. Soon this boy started to blossom in a way first with his bully, being taller and bigger than him yet somehow being dominated by him. That is what i once was. It was a harrowing experience but a learning one all the same. It taught him that the world isn't fair, no not the world other people that populate it, that not all others are kind, that some only care to preserve theirdshallow ego and sense of security. It also taught this boy, that boy being myself fear of these people fear of those that would befriend you only to stomp all over you.
That shift also tied into my sexual awakening this one a more gradual shift. First it being pornography being shown by the bully and having the means to pull it up myself. Several years of seeing this made me start to want women to want to feel and touch parts of their body’s. Thus molding myself my middle school self into one of a pervert a creep.
The next shift being my emotional one. During middle school i learned so much. The ability to not give a fuck and serve others but those aren't important. The importance is that i learned to properly hate a person to properly hate myself, to be sad at a lack of friends or being called names(the bully had a very hands on approach), learned also to like and love a girl no matter how arbitrary or fickle the love of a middle schooler or evan my current self may be. The biggest thing i learned was anxiety the anxiety of just everything.
And then we get to a short year ago. Highschool. I learned how to grow out of myself, to let go of the pervert that i was to let go of the creep and how to be so polite it's over bearing for some. But again this is not the biggest thing for that is the ugliness that started to pervade me, and the darkness of the world that has started to taint me.
Then we come to what i've become now today this year. I had three girlfriends this year and they taught me three distinct things
Do not let your feelings run out of control for they shall destroy all that you wanted and had
Rebounds help you heal your scars quicker even if they ghost you at some point
True sadness and emptiness that absence of a person can create
I've become the me that i think shall pervade me for most of my life, somewhere between empty and fulfilled, happy and sad, dead and alive, yet i shall also likely become something new for my greatest trait is the change that i can and will go through that when i go through another 16 years i will be different maybe completely maybe not
Who really knows