[Disclaimer: this is a cry for help I guess.. and also me expressing my emotions because I can’t bare the way I’m living anymore. If anyone cares please do me the justice of reading this all and help me with some advise, sorry for how long this is btw]
Most of my life, I haven’t been able to understand why I am the way I am. I constantly have beat myself up and been very critical of the way I am. In some ways this has helped because it means I’m a warrior. It means to some degree I’m willing to do what it takes to make real change. I’m now 23 and it took me till the age of 21 to come the realisation that I have ADHD. It’s undiagnosed but I am in the process of meeting with a psychiatrist. (I do also think I could potentially have a crossover with autism) My parents don’t really take me seriously when I talk to them about it. Coming from North Africa we culturally don’t tend to take seriously to conditions such as ADHD (although awareness is improving I believe). I on the other hand I have come to realise why I act the way I do so often, and have realised that there is in fact a reason that can explain my “odd” behaviour traits or my “anxiety” and “outcast” character I feel like I am in society. Quite a few people have told me I am my worst on enemy… I constantly put myself down again and again and again. I guess what I’m trying to say is, people see potential in me that I fail to see in myself. I have certain hobbies and Interests I am occasionally praised for such as music, and barbering, but they don’t quite seem to be able to remove this feeling of being the introverted anxious person I am. As I turned 19 I realised I didn’t have many hobbies or aspirations, being so bad at almost every sport made me even more hopeless.. It’s safe to say the button to self confidence was switched off in me from a very young age, and I guess this could partially account for why I struggled to when it came to any competitive game or sport (excluding physical Heath). Being one of the most unpopular kids who was heavily bullied in school, I saw drugs initially as a danger but when I found myself following peer pressure and seeing how much respect I gained from others I switched up who I was in college. I still remained the introvert that I am to this day, but something loosened up in me a little. I now had something in common with others, something I could talk about, even when I was sober.. I started to look at people who didn’t take drugs as silly and boring, but looking back in hindsight I subconsciously pitted the way I’d become and felt even lower in society than I was before. See the toxic thing about me is I’ve always looked at people as either socially/characteristically/physically as: either equal to me, bigger than me or weaker than me. If they fit into the category of equal or weaker than me I would associate myself around them, as I would become way too uncomfortable around the others- my anxiety would build up. In fact with the people that are lower or equal to me I usually feel like I can act a lot more extroverted than I usually would, and I guess that’s fine, but what’s not fine is how I constantly stay in my comfort zone. I don’t allow myself to expand and widen my knowledge and experiences. As silly as it sounds I tell myself I’m not good enough for that, or I’m not capable of that. My therapist told me the same thing, but what I realised about theraphy is that it only made me realise things about myself… it never helped me solve my issues or find happiness… Then again you can only find happiness from within… At 23 years old I still insist on going clubbing and abusing alcohol and drugs, staying out on benders for 48 hours at times with no sleep, thinking I’m going to solve something, thinking it will get rid of the pain, but the pain only goes temporary and I end up feeling worse after my binges. I guess what’s worse is I do this on my own I don’t even find any so called friends to do it with anymore. Sometimes I fear I will overdose… I worry my parents so much, they never asked for this, they’re just god fearing kind old people… it hurts I do this to myself and them but I just see how much I come out of my shell when I do drugs and drink. I’m not scared to say how I feel I become a stronger more dominant character, what I truly feel I could become but fail to do so because I don’t believe in myself enough. I’m tired of not being able to do group activities because I’m socially akward.. I’m tired of not being able to go on dates even though I’m good looking, all because I’m too nervous and anxious.. I’m tired of killing myself slowly… I’m just tired of this never ending cycle. I’m tired. I feel ashamed then I’m having to write this because I feel so lonely and crave attention. I barley have any real friends I can call real anymore, most of them would only meet to do drugs.. I had so many bad experiences with friends that used my kindness against me and manipulated me. I was an innocent person who has turned not so innocent anymore. It feels stupid that I’m a grown man who doesn’t know how to act properly. It’s silly I look for sympathy from people but I just don’t know what to do anymore… I guess Ive looked for sympathy most of my life and this is what I do best… idk… If you have read up to here, you are a real one and I would really appreciate if you could voice your input..