Best posts made by baileysellers

it's a long story. I can tell it if you're interested but the gist is that I am so utterly depressed and heartbroken. it is hard for me to get out of bed. Well there was this guy in my life. I fell deeply in love with him, he rocked my whole world. He's not a bad guy by any means. it was just my fault i caught feelings. We started off as mutual friends. I'd heard about him before from my other friends. everyone I knew LOVED him. his name was charles. somehow by fate, the stars aligned and we shared an english class together. I was so excited and enthusiastic to get to know him. he sat at the table across the room from me. we always caught each other's eye. when I wasn't looking he was staring at me and vice versa. eventually, we were writing a paper in that class and he asked me to peer edit his. I sat next to him the whole class period. we instantly clicked. it was soulmate level, I felt like I knew him in a past life. I connected with him so deeply and so easily. He was so funny and easy to talk to. conversation progressed and we found out we shared the same biology teacher. a test was coming up so he invited me to walk with him to the library after school to study with him. we got there and of course the last thing we did was study. we talked for hours and hours, we got to know each other. I told him everything about me, my darkest secrets and trauma even. he made me feel like home. like i could tell him anything. it was time for me to go. as I was getting in my sister's car to go home, he said 'I have a feeling we'll be friends for a very long time’. that made me smile so bright. I got home and I had butterflies in my stomach. I was so fucking unexplainably happy. I had such a good feeling ab him. that became our thing, we would walk to the library every day after school and he'd buy me a coffee just the way I like it. sometimes we studied, and other times we didn't. a couple months pass of being friends and he invites me over to his house. I was so nervous and I didn't understand why. I got to his house and I was shaking because i was so anxious. I didn't understand why at the time but I now realize it was because I loved him and I was scared of not being myself around him and acting weird. it was so wonderful we watched movies and we cuddled and it was such a nice time. my sister picked me up from his house and I realized i had it b a d. I was so in love with him. because of that I started to act awkward and distance myself from him. i didn't want to lose what we had and our friendship and I didn't want him to know i liked him so i slowly started blowing him off more and more to show I wasn't as interested as I was. this went on for months. One night in particular he invited me to make cookies with him but I made plans with my friend to have a star wars marathon instead. As soon as got there I felt like I made a huge mistake. I missed him so bad and it all blew up in my face how wrong I was for not spending time with him because of MY feelings. I texted him throughout the movie telling him how much I missed him and how I wanted to spend time with him like we used to. he dropped the bomb on me. he said he couldn't because he has a girlfriend now. I couldn’t believe it, I was stunned. How did I not know about it earlier? I was HEARTBROKEN. I missed my chance. I messed it up. we continued to grow apart. he spent less and less time with me and more and more with his gf, which i'm not mad at! like I understand why but it still just hurts. anyways eventually we were at a point where there was so much tension and awkwardness that we couldn't be left alone in the same room anymore. I don't know if he knew how I felt ab him or if he could just sense my tension but we just weren't the same. we didn't flow like how we used to and I didn't feel like I could talk like how i used to. he either seemed uninterested when I talked to him or preoccupied. I felt like a burden. I decided to leave him alone for a bit. a month of them dating goes by. I am faced with shocking news. My father, the primary source of income in my family, got fired and we could no longer afford to live in our house. we had 3 months to move. I told charles. he was shocked, but also seemed too busy to be too sad about it. I was miserable. I had to say goodbye to everyone I ever knew. the last day of school rolls around. charles bumps into me in the hallway after school. he hugs me tight and says "I'll call you". we didn't talk for awhile after that. we didn't talk all summer in fact. I only saw him occasionally when I would visit my old friends and watch choir shows they were in. every time we saw each other we picked up right where we left off. it was still awkward. This continued for a year. While I was away at my new school i was making the most amazing friends and having a pretty good time but at the end of the day all I could think about was him and how I still loved him and missed him. no matter how hard I tried to shake the thoughts and feelings of him, I couldn't. so I decided to take matters into my own hands. the memory of him just hurt I blocked him on everything. i attempted to cut him out of my life for good. I was tired of crying over him and thought this was the way to do it, to get over him for good. I texted him and told him I couldn't talk to him anymore and he couldn't know why. he was confused. he was upset. he didn't understand why I was doing it and I don't blame him. he truly had no idea how i felt ab him. this lasted for a week. It felt good at first but as the days went on I felt like I made a terrible mistake. one day I went out with my friends to a restaurant. as we're leaving we see no other than, YOU GUESSED IT. charles and his gf. he tried to stop me, for answers i'm sure. I couldn't face him. I ran away and cried. It hurt. I went to school the next day completely depressed. I knew what i had to do. I needed to tell him the truth. that is what would give me full closure. I needed to stop running. I sent him a long text confessing my feelings for him and why I couldn't talk to him because it hurt too bad. I explained I wanted to talk to him again but i needed to heal first before we could be friends again. he respected me for it. he said "I hope it doesn't have to be forever". we don't talk anymore. I miss him all the time still. I don't know what I want. either to be his friend again and me still have feelings because i have waited for a long time to heal and they haven't gone away or try to move on and find someone else. all i want is him. I miss him. but It's no good for me. he and his girlfriend are still 2 years strong. His gf graduated high school this year and I don’t know what will happen after summer, whether they’ll still be together or not. Even if they do break up, it would be pointless to pursue him. I’d only have a year left with him and it wouldn't work out. Also he never said if he felt the same way or not, so even if they do break up I don’t even know if he likes me. It makes me cry to think about me being alone and attending his wedding and watching him walk down the aisle knowing I missed my chance and it was all my fault. this has been 3 years in the making. i still love him. this isn't healthy or normal. I feel like i'll never move on. i'm tired of hurting. I cry every other day. my body aches. I don't know how much longer I can take of this void feeling in the pit of my stomach. how did it come to this? why do I feel like I need him so bad?? What is it about him that I miss so bad that it physically hurts me? why is there still a hole in my heart months after I should’ve gotten closure and healed? I feel like we aren’t finished just yet and there's still more for me to do but I don’t know what! well that's my whole story I guess, thank you for taking the time to listen to me. I think deep down i'll always love him. either that or i'll never love anyone else. that's how I honestly feel.

@cjko thank you so much for the feedback I really do appreciate it. I am 17 by the way, found love young I guess. I would like to move on but it is very hard. I feel like he was my only chance. no other guy has given me as much as a second glance. and it's hard to find other people when I can only think of him. He's definitely a good guy, I just think our timing was wrong. he definitely doesn't want me for my body lol i'm not exactly conventionally attractive, and that's not how he is anyways. he is very touchy and loving. not in a sexual way idk he just likes being friendly. however the rest of your advice is very motivating and kind and I really appreciate it. I never want something like that again, I hate being lead on. I've been getting better about the crying though, definitely not as much as I used to.

@mr_peanut well I hope you raise him right and teach him not to lead girls on or play games because it really fucks with people. so sorry to hear about your past though, at least you found someone eventually. honestly I don't know if he feels the same about me.... I never asked. I only expressed my feelings for him. idk but either way it wasn't meant to be because it didn't work out. I will try my best to move on, I have a feeling it will take a long time though considering it's been 2 years and it still hurts as much as it did in the moments it happened. thank you so much for your kind words.

@mr-h I love 'everything happens for a reason'. it is my mantra nowadays and what keeps me going. you are right, the timing just wasn't right and if it was meant to be it would've happened but it didn't so I think that's the world's way of telling me it wasn't meant to be. I don't know, maybe we'll reconnect further down the line in a couple years. or maybe i'll be married to someone else? only time will tell.

@mr-h thank you so much, you have been lovely. I shall try to keep my chin up

@mr-h will do <3