right now i feel like no one takes me seriously. like i'm just a joke people can laugh at.
throughout primary and secondary school this really was the case for the most part.
my peers would laugh at me and judge me when i was being myself. and as a kid it really
knocked my confidence. and it ended up making me shy and introverted. moving into secondary
that only got worse. for the first year or two i was able to make some friends but the same
problems happened. people would laugh at me and not take me seriously. and to this day it makes
me feel really weak and pathetic. i wont lie i know i'm pathetic and that i just feel way too
sorry for myself and i should just man up because everyone else feels the same and just moves
on. but i cant do it.
even now that i'm in college i still feel like i'm just a joke. my friends call me stupid and
retarded everyday. they're joking but sometimes it gets to me. and i can't tell them i don't
think its funny because then they act with caution around me. i mentioned before that i was
sick of them calling me stupid and they stopped for that day. one of my friends slipped up
and made a joke about me being dumb. then my other friend called him out saying "no dylan
isn't dumb." he meant well but it felt so patronizing. not in the sense that he was purposely
trying to make it seem like he was being sarcastic. but like he was worried he was going to
make me mad. i can take a joke believe me. but when its about something i'm really insecure
about AND its everyday. it just builds up until i have to say i've had enough of it. not to
mention that when he called my other friend out for it he said it as if he was talking about
a kid. further making me feel unequal and beneath them.
at home its the same. my younger foster brother constantly puts me down. after going through
quite a traumatic situation at the age of 15, i have been scared to go out on my own. as well as becoming quite
paranoid in general. he's 14, so really he should be able to empathize a little with how i feel.
but he doesn't. for example, whenever i have my friend nile round and the topic of me going outside
comes up. my brother always says something like "well he's too scared to go out" and it
hurts me. while he isnt wrong he's also taking something that causes me alot pain and making it
seem like its nothing. something so life changing and that i have to put up with everyday, it
tears me apart and he just makes it seem like i'm a pathetic loser. i've been to a few councillors
and i've been told that i am going through some form of PTSD. which is great to actually know.
but at the same time telling people i have PTSD feels like a lie because i haven't actually been
tested for it or anything. i'm just going with what i've been told. when i told my brother this he
just flat out said "no you don't" and overtime he has stopped saying that. but he still doesnt
believe it. he makes a face like he's doubting me everytime i tell i mention my PTSD. and this
further makes me feel like i'm just being pathetic.
my relationship with my sister is not as good as it could be. me and her used to be close before
she moved out. and for awhile when she did everything was fine. but after the traumatic situation
i was in things have changed with how i speak to everyone. and since i don't speak to my sister as
much as my parents and foster brothers anymore i have become quite uncomfortable around her. i
realize that this could be very hurtful to hear from a younger brother so i haven't mentioned it
but whenever she comes to our house i feel a lot of anxiety until she leaves. at times my sister
seems more understanding then most people. and at other times i feel like she's just as bad. for example,
one time i was walking into the living room and was standing awkwardly, clearly nervous about the situation
i was in. and i went to sit down but stumbled a little. for some context as to why: when i feel nervous my
body doesn't move how i want it to. i move like a robot and move awkwardly. when i stumbled she laughed at
me and said "you alright dill?" she laughs at me pretty oftenly when i'm feeling nervous and awkward. when
she does it only makes me feel even more uncomfortable. i just wish she could be a little more understanding
about how i feel.
my sister asks me about my sexuality often. i'm a bisexual male and im not ready to tell
anyone i know in real life. mainly because i dont view males in a romantic way, only sexually. i
have never said anything about sex to or around my family. its a topic we have completely avoided
and i would not feel comfortable or willing to talk about that stuff to them ever. i also don't want
my family to think i see them in a romantic way. the way i explain this to people is: i view seeing
a male in an romantic light the same way a straight male see's gay sex. its just not their thing right?
that's a gross idea to them. and that's how i feel about having a romantic relationship with a dude.
and to a straight person that could be confusing right? liking a gender but not romantically. so, to
avoid confusion and embarrassment i don't talk about it with people i know in real life. its more confusing
then how i have stated but ill leave it at that for now.
the reason i brought up my sister questioning my sexuallity is because i really don't like it. she thinks i'm
gay or bi because i'm more shy, introverted and emotional then others my age. which is true, but i don't want to be
seen that way. i want to be a strong confident person who sleeps around with chicks and goes partying. which
is a normal thing for a teen to want. her questioning me like that just reminds me that ill never have that lifestyle.
its just not in me. which is frustrating.. because i really want to be like that.
im really worried about the fact that i'm still a virgin. its not just peer pressure. its mainly because i crave that closeness
with a women. i want to feel that intense feeling of a women wanting no one but me for an hour or two. i really want to feel it.
a lot of it goes down to my self esteem i know. and i'm sure if i were to have better self esteem it would be less important to
me. but i don't, so it isn't less important. peer pressure is still a factor to it for sure. like, im 17 which believe it or not is sorta
old for losing your virginity. so at times i do worry that ill die a virgin. but luckily at the moment i never feel like that'll actually
happen. whether or not my sex life will be fun or pathetic is a different story tho.
i'm realising now that this relates to how others have treaten me in the past. for once i don't want to be on the outside looking in
at all the fun stuff the "cool kids" do. i want to apart of it, without feeling like she's "helping" me because she feels sorry
for me. i want to be the one not being laughed at for being a weirdo. i want to be popular and liked by large numbers.
now this is something that confuses me alot. love, do i want it or am i just hungry for intimate affection? i've been in relationships
before but never felt love. or so i thought until i met an amazing girl called zeena awhile back. we were friends for 2 years before we
started dating. i felt comfortable with her and loved spending time talking with her. she was honestly the nicest girl i've ever met.
but unfortunately it didn't work out. it was an online relationship and i was childish. i lied to her and made a fake persona and life
to make myself seem cool and likeable. and sadly she fell for it for two years... even though i lied about EVERYTHING apart from my age
and simple things like what i like to eat and such. she still cared for me. i told her everything was a lie and told her i wasn't going to
speak to her anymore and without hesitation she begged me to stay. told me she cared and we could start over. told me she still loved me
and that she had already forgotten about the fact that i had been lying for multiple years. and i did stay, we carried on dating as she got
to know the real me. i opened up alot to her, even about things that i haven't told anyone else. and she never judged. she really made me feel
loved. and to this day i still consider that we were in love. i even showed her my face. she didn't exactly complement me, which is fine but
she told me i "looked younger then i thought" so i guess that was a good thing. at the end of our relationship it turned out she had lied about
things too. her age and her name. i was under the impression that her age was 15 at the time like i was. but it turns out she was 13. which was
a hard pill to swallow. i wasn't comfortable with the age gap but i still loved her. i remember her asking if i stilled loved her and i said of
course. i felt like she was testing if i was a weirdo. she wasn't. i know this because she just isn't like that. though the age gap is only 2 years
when you're a teen that stuff is a little more important, understandably. i was doing my GCSE's before she even had to think about them. it really
hurt when i found out she lied. i didn't tell her but i ended up crying about it. it still bugs me to this day actually. but i got what i deserved
i lied about everything so i cant complain. she told me her name was maddie. and for the rest of the time i knew her i would sometimes say it by
accident. to be honest i don't remember the real reason we broke up. maybe because there wasn't one. the app we spoke on was called "MSP" its like
a chatting app made originally for kids. but its mainly filed with attention seeking, affection craving teens like myself. and many times we both
said we were going to stop using it. and then one day she decided she was going to leave the app. so we spoke one last time and then she left.
i asked for her socials but she said her parents check them to see if she's talking to guys. they're super overprotective supposedly. and i don't
and i don't know if she was being honest about that. i don't want to think of her leaving me then using that as an excuse. sometimes i feel like
she was cheating. she seemed pretty friendly with some other guys on "MSP" but like i always said. its okay for a girl to be in a relationship
with a guy and still have guy friends. i've never been one to act out my jealousy. i know some girls think its cute but i think ill just come off
as overprotective. she still messages me. i don't answer tho. i'm too scared too. i don't want to fall for her again. we had our time and we left
respectfully. we should just leave it at that. another reason why i cant go back to her though is because i barely remember what we spoke about.
i claim she was so good to me and i loved her and she was so important to me but.. what proof do i have now? apart from what she still texts me
i have barely any recollection of what we were like. and more importantly what she was like. is that really love? or was i just enjoying the
affection and not caring about how she felt the whole time?
trying to make sure everything i say is what i actually feel is really hard. my feelings are
so confusing and its frustrating because no one understands. i know people go through the same
feelings as i but i cant relate to what they say. i cant voice how i feel. its not because i am scared
or shy or embarrassed. i just don't understand it. and i don't even know where to begin.
i really would like to be diagnosed. because i know something is wrong. when i mention that i want to be diagnosed
people usually say "why?" like it already isn't obvious... "diagnose me, cuz i cant keep wondering why." this is a
quote from BMTH. one of their songs called "Avalanche" and that's why i want to be diagnosed. because i cant keep
wondering why i feel this way. if i know what's wrong i can find a way to fix it.