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[whatchamacallit]

Due to my twisted sense of pride
Having no one in which to confide
Taught to never show the tears I've cried
Many times wishing I had died
No one knows just how hard I've tried
To not show what's truly inside
So I hide
I hide behind a mask and a smile
Faking it all the while
Never showing the true trial
Constantly in a state of denial
Feelings of worthlessness, nothing worthwhile
When did things become so hostile
So I hide
I hide behind a guise and grin
Rarely acting on a whim
Afraid of what could've been
Letting too much get under my skin
Patience continuously worn thin
Keeping everything within
So I hide

[erikagautney]

An SOS is sent by @whatchamacallit.
A poem in the form of a distress call and

details inner wails despite outer portrayals,
so even if your heart's impaled, a façade prevails.

Staccato saccades entail, so this mask is all they'll see.
Damn your inner struggles, be what they want you to be.

No relief, even if your insides get torn and twisted.
"Don't drop the act", they'll say, "live out this contradiction".

Such derision! It's no wonder you've come to question your worth
You're asked to act so perfect even if you're feeling hurt

How absurd! I empathize with your plight, truly.
Unfortunate that many feel self-care is trumped by duty.

Someone sue me, still I'll say it: Just be you, be butt ass naked!
Transparently true, through and through; Don't "fake it till you make it"

They're all sadists. Or they're lazy. Or perhaps they are just ignorant.
Blind to the internal struggles through which you are smiling.

It's violence, eroding mental strength and resilience.
Cacophonous dissonance. The time is ripe for recompense.

But then again, any apology is unlikely to come from the heart
They're indifferent to whether you weather the weather or not

So I say it starts with you, and even if they don't reciprocate
you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I accept you, without hate"

Make no mistake, their expectations won't fade, but at least you'll realize
regardless of if they're let down, you can still look you in the eyes

No more need to hide. Nor wishing you had died.
"Performance pressure or paralysis? Nah, I'll take it all in stride!"

Untwist thy pride. Drop the disguise. Embrace spontaneity.
Whatever their judgements may be, even if it's hostility.

"Sweet serendipity! Comfortable in my own skin?
Is this what it feels like to be free from obsessing?"

Ding ding ding! There it is. "Worthiness" is within.
A universe inside your mind, that's what you share with them.

Like these thoughts that you just penned. You be you and nothing else.
And if they say "let's play charades?" you say "never again!"

Understand, you might lose loved one in this process
But you'll also know it was conditional, for their profit

Got it? And those who remain won't demand "don't ever change"
They'll accept you and share themselves too: that's a "fair exchange"

I'm being strange, using market analogies lmao I'm sorry
I'm not a very good poet, I'm just testing out rhyme schemes

But I hope you hear how heartfelt this awkward attempt has been
On that note, I think I'll end this, my horned silhouette friend

[whatchamacallit]

@erikagautney. wow
That was deep .........👏👏👏

[erikagautney]

[whatchamacallit]

@erikagautney u said nothing wrong its just me

[erikagautney]

Oh, when I wrote that earlier the site said everything you wrote had been deleted.

At first I thought your account got banned for some reason but then I realized you were still on TWS, it's just the original poem as well your first reply to my poem that were missing. So I thought rather than a site moderator perhaps it was just you who deleted all your posts.... right after I wrote my response... so.. yeah, I was worried I might have said something that upset you 😖

I'm glad you decided to put them back up though. Because if you really think what I wrote was deep, guess what, it's cuz I was inspired by the depth of your own thoughts. So thank you for the compliment, but more than that thank you for sharing.

I noticed you've posted 2 more poems since. Don't worry, I'll refrain from barging in unannounced this time around 😅 Feel free to express yourself to your heart's content. That said, I did read through both of them, and I think all 3 of your works thus far are somewhat tragically beautiful. Almost haunting in their relatability. I can't speak for everyone of course, but I think it's safe to say that many people (if not most) have dealt with similar feelings at one point in our lives. It's unfortunate to recognize that about the human condition, but it's true.

So while I'm not gonna rap battle with you again lmao I did want to offer you a listening ear if you ever wanted to chat one on one about some of this stuff that you're dealing with.

And if you'd rather not open up to some random stranger like me, or you just don't think it'll help to do so, that's perfectly fine too. In which case, I'll point out that there are various different ways to get mental health support if you ever feel you need it.

One way or the other, I hope you realize that you aren't as alone as you fear yourself to be. You don't need to struggle through all this by yourself. You share more in common with other people than there are differences that divide and separate us. Empathetic encouragement can do wonders for a hurting soul -- trust me, I speak from experience.

P.S. I'd also like to implore you to please not delete your poems moving forward. Even if you get trolls dissing you or hate comments discouraging you for it, these are healthy and valid forms of your self expression. They are invaluable and they are telling and so uniquely you. Of course, I can't stop you from deleting it all again if you ever decided to do so, but if it makes any difference, I'm encouraging you not to. Even if you decide to leave the site and not participate anymore, please leave them be. (Who knows, you might want to look back on them someday just to reflect on how far you've come since)

My $0.02 cents, for whatever it's worth ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[whatchamacallit]

@erikagautney and i will rlly love to chatt with u if its ok with u 🤗

[whatchamacallit]

@erikagautney i rlly appreciate ur compliment and feel free to reply to my other content too😁😁