if anyone sees this please say something...i don't wanna feel alone

[rebelw.acause]

has anyone else been coming to the end of themselves lately or is that just me? i'm so lonely, and i don't think that that will ever change. i should really be studying, but what's the point of that? i just want my dad to love me. i just want to be loved. i wish my birth mom could see me now and yet i don't want her to - would she be proud? is anyone proud of me? i have a 4.0 gpa from this year, i've managed 3 sports since i'm not athletic and can't play them, stuck through handbells the entire year, made two new friends (which is huge for me because i'm shy and awkward), and developed a fashion sense. i've made it an entire year following my parents' rules on not having any sort of relationship with anyone. the summer is coming, but i'm scared nothing will change. i'll still be stressed because my dad hates me. i'll still want to be white and skinny and gorgeous and strong. i'll still be getting in trouble for stupid shit. i'll still want to end myself. i'm going to be 16, and i don't remember what being happy feels like. i want to escape. i want to sleep and wake up refreshed. i'm so exhausted. i'm so exhausted. i just want to lay down, safe in someone's arms, and sleep for years. or forever. i want to be so sick i die because i can't kill myself. i want to believe people would care. i want to be free. i want to be gone. and what scares me even more is that i might be the only one who feels this way. it feels like everyone around me are meeting their "someone" and hanging out with friends and having fun, while i stay at home and cry in bed with my hand over my mouth. is it bad that i'm attracted to middle-aged men who are kind and amazing people and just absolutely fucking brilliant? is it bad that i can't tell whether i'm bi or not? is it bad that i watch the people who are happy around me and desperately wish i was them? is it bad that i just want to feel okay? i miss all these people that i've never even met, and the years are passing too quickly and too slowly in my head. my parents don't agree with me politically, which makes them angry, and i get in trouble in the end; i don't understand my parents' rules. my dad has grabbed me and shoved me to the ground before because he's gotten so angry. i can't remember much of my childhood from trauma, but i vividly remember watching my dad hurt my newly adopted 2 year old sister so hard, her lip started bleeding, making my brother cry. was sexual abuse the only trauma i encountered, or was i physically abused too? i can't remember. i want to feel well again. i feel so sick.

[denise_278]

Hey , your not the only one feeling like this I’ve been feeling like this for a while I don’t know what to do anymore I lost all my friends and have no one to talk to anymore and everyone around either had a bunch of friends or had a girlfriend or a boyfriend and I’ve also been struggling wetherI’m bi or not it’s just so confusing

[peepeed420]

i know i am just a stranger to you, but i care for you. you are not alone. i am also confused about my sexuality. i cannot tell if i am heterosexual or asexual. all of the guys i have come across have always sexually harassed me and attempted to manipulate me into going out with them. like you, i also do not think i am enough for my parents. we crave validation, but aren’t met with it even when we try to excel in school. allow me to say this, even though your parents may not appear to be proud, i am extremely proud of you. you have come so far. you are so strong. i also have the whole political situation in my house. it hurts to hear a family member agree with such horrid ideas. my mother and father are trump supporters, whereas my sister and i are not. my parents are always constantly yelling at the tv. it gets so loud. whenever my sister and i express our side, we get shot down immediately and tension grows. we can all get through this together.