Please forgive me im so confused i want to change i wanna stop please i beg you all stop

[sunnynotadummy]

I am going mentally insane i am trying hard not to get back on drugs i am really wanting to change the drug i was using makes you turn into a horny sick fuck i am not that person this addictions took everything from me i know its what makes me depressed and suicidal i want to be a better friend, brother, father, husband if i still have that as a option but this is to much guys please i know im hated i know i am a horrible everything but i know the me off drugs the sulaman that is clean sober is a great person who helps people who didn't single people out who went out of his way for fighting for whats right who would go help others before himself who would never gossip or make fun of others because it would hurt them

I am hurt confused lost in this marriage problem and i made it worse by getting on to a drug that turned me into a horny piece of shit i spent days months crying asking God to help me change and that has finally started to happen and then i found out about the divorce and fell back again but i will fight through this o wont kill myself i am unstoppable i love myself and regardless if i cant be with her i will still love her and i will still be me normal drug free so she can be at piece and so i dont do stupid shit like usual i will be the father my mano needs i will be the best version of me i lost everything and i mean everything and still i smile even when im hurting inside my motorcycle just got stolen and lost my car and sold my truck to go fix my relationship and i fucked that all up and came back to being completely lonely and her blocking me again and me hating myself for my mistakes i am still here i have been through way more that I am leaving out yes 100000% my fault i take responsibility for my mistakes but i want happiness now i have spent most my life in chaos in out of jail getting shot at stealing robbing fighting and doing things i later regret and i am tired after my wife left and ive been alone i didn't see any reason to change because that was all i knew....

But now i am tired as fuck of the chaos the lies the bullshit i want happiness no i want joy because happiness is in someone else's hands joy is something no one can take it comes within and i want to still fight for my love i always will i dont give a fuck i wont bother her but i will make it known that i am forever sorry i owe it to my daughter to my in laws to her family to her i want that joy i don't know what a peaceful life feels like i freak out anytime things get good and fuck it all up and now im aware of my crazy fucked up behavior its not normal i admit i have alot of flaws but i ask allah daily to make me a better human porn sex drugs lies womanizing stealing i hate that shit but when you fuck up your whole family and lost everything you knew basically i was told she was going to visit her family i took her to the airport
October 6 2016 and i didn't see her since she went completely silent for 2 yrs i had to forcefully learn how to live again fuck anyone of you mother fuckers who will laugh and say its easy that shit hurt knowing the person who said they love you go on without you and then she called out of nowhere in 2018 i went crazy and i had to watch everything i said so i won't hurt her i was nervous i am human
I have feelings
I am someone i would die literally swear to god i would take a bullet for this woman
I needed her for my drug addiction recovery its a dieses google it fuckers
I was there even if i was fucked up i financially and mentally was there when she fought cancer but i was left alone that the worst you could do for a druggy
I am not angry
I am not hateful i confused tired hurt i feel like im a shitty person who has no value respect in her eyes i feel so badly abandoned there is always 2 side's to every story i admitted and will always admit my wrongs but leaving someone and completely cutting off your husband for 2 yrs and now again is not cool
But i know she's hurt i can keep going but it wont matter she can go years not knowing how i am while i get high on drugs praying god take her problems and put them on me give her happiness and take all her problems away
I swear on everything i don't let a soul say anything bad about her while i am being ridiculed and made a clown of i did die for her i lost myself i lost who i am my family and friends see it why did she lie why did she say she loves me
Why did she say she would never leave me
I chased her 3 yrs i praised her and tried to be someone im not to impress her i don't get how she never stood by me we could've been but she doesn't love me i think she has fallen in love with someone else amd if that's her happy place then mashallah may allah always keep her happy i am going to disappear i will quietly move fuck everyone who's about be a man fuck you when you have a family and lose it all then come tell me how you feel
So please tell me what is this whats goin on why please for the sake of one shitty human to you a good person of allah

[jackwin9]

Keep off the smack man, embrace the horny without the drugs! Get your life together and feel that pleasure some more!