ventinnggg igggg

  • sigh i just need to get life off my chest

    so my life has never really been the best. i was raped/molested by my father when i was in about kindergarden and after i told my mother she left him and took me with her. ive never seen him since then but because of that entire incident my mother got me a therapist to teach my of personal space. as a young child i was pretty open minded about it but as time went on i grew to dislike therapy for that and other reasons. ive since stopped therapy. my mother has gone through about 4 boyfriends until now, where she thinks shes finally ready to settle down. the way this is said makes my mother sound like a bit of a sl ut, but it wasnt in a short amount of time, maybe a year or more with each person. as of next school year, i will be a freshman, so my mother has been dating the person shes seeing currently for about 5 or 6 years, maybe more. they often get into very toxic arguments, and both of them being very stubborn only makes the arguments last for longer periods of time. ive grown to ignore it, their arguments, however of course my mother argues with me very often. her arguments with me are very... abusive. i never realised it was abuse until (lets call him my father for the sake of simplifying things) told me that it was during a special situation(i told someone who had a similar problem with their mother what i was going through, my mother found out and yelled at me for days afterwards for "throwing her under the bus because thats not something i tell other people" its kinda over now but it still lingers whenever we argue). during 7th grade, i tried to run away from home. i didnt have any electronics or anything on me, no one could track or contact me. i was hoping to try to find a way to a police department, somwhere, even though i had no idea where the closest one was, i was just desperate to get out of the house for good. i was tired of feeling like i didnt deserve to be alive. i almost used a strangers cell phone to call the police, but i didnt because i didnt think i was worthy enough of them using their resources on me which backfired anyways because they got out their resources looking for me up and down the streets. my neighbor found me and as much as i didnt want to go back i didnt have a choice. looking back now, i was very stupid for leaving at the time i did. im a teenager, even if things did go in a positive light, no one wants to adopt a teenager. i had no idea where i was going and i had no one to help me. from then on out, i started having prominent suicidal thoughs. i always felt i wasnt enough, but not to the point of killing myself, but after that happened, i did feel like killing myself. because i thought that no one cares for me. and i do still feel like no one cares for me. i had this person, who i would tell everything to. i only started talking to him about this stuff a couple months ago, and i admired how he had the patience to actually talk to me in such a manner. i developed a small crush, that evolved into us dating. this sounds good in theory, but now i realise that, it wasnt him i got a crush on, it was a thought of a life where i had someone i could depend on, but it wasnt him. it was the idea of him. and i want to break up with him. but i dont know how. hes the first person ive ever dated. he tells me he loves me, every single day. no matter how distant i get he always finds a way to get me to talk to him. ive stopped telling him my problems, and im trying to grow distant so i can gradually build up a wall between us, and im hoping this makes him want to break up with me as well, so he can tell me its over and not the other way around. i wanted to keep my relationship a secret from my family, but as things grew even more tense, i didnt want my mother to see that ive been dating this guy and not telling her and that would lead to her not trusting me any more then she already doesnt. so i told her, and she told the rest of my extended family. i hate her so much for it, because that just makes it even harder for me to break up with him. and the fact is, this is his first relationship as well. he doesnt know how to handle a person like me. and truthfully, i shouldnt be in a realtionship and be suicidal at the same time. and thats completely my fault. i tried lying to myself, saying its just voices in my head saying i dont like him, but i know the truth now, and i dont know how to deal with it. im honestly scared to break up with him. he knows everything about me. i dont know what he would do out of anger or "just for laughs" with so much information about me. anyways my life is more than just about some boy, id like to think. i, obviously, struggle with suicidal thoughts. dispite this i cant bring myself to kill myself. i dont know why. i would like to start cutting myself but i dont know how and all of the knives in the kitchen that are sharp enough to cut are too big so ive cut out the possiblity of cutting myself from the picture. ive never been diagnosed with anything mentally. never been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, or anything of that sort. i do think i have depressiion, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and buliemia, but of course i wouldnt want to get diagnosed. that brings up therapy and medications and i dont want to think about how my mother would react. ive struggled with my body image since i was in 6th grade. i always felt fat(because i am) and in 6th grade i neever knew how to deal with it. in 7th grade, i started cutting things from my diet, i stopped eating breakfast, limited my lunch, limited my dinner. nowadays i dont eat breakfast, i eat a small lunch, and try not to eat dinner. sometimes my mother forces me to eat a dinner or a breakfast. its easy to lie about breakfast but not so much dinner. she has me sit down as a family and eat. with this i still try to eat as little as possible. i dont eat so little because i want to starve myself, i eat this much because if i eat anymore then i feel the need to vomit. on average i eat around 800 calories a day(excluding weekends, sometimes i binge :c) and i feel fine. i can do physical activity and mental activity with the amount i eat. somedays i feel... fatter than others, so while im at school i try to make myself vomit, but because i dont eat theres nothing for me to vomit up so it always ends up a fail which makes me sad. some weekends i binge, but most weekends im able to stay consistent with my diet. my problem with food is that ive always used it for comfort. i have no shoulder or sibling to cry on, so food always helped through that. that kind of translated into now. once i start eating more than what i normally eat, i dont want to stop. this only happens when i go out, and luckily i dont have many reason to go out so im able to stay consistent with my diet on weekends.

    i feel thats enough for now. a lot has been taken off my chest. i may comeback next weekend when i have my computer back and i may write again if i need to vent. this has been relieving. if anyone has read this, then im sorry if ive wasted your time, but thank you for reading. i hope you have a good life, and dont run into the things i have so far, goodbye.

  • atleast you've started feeling and thinking about what you need and what you dont, thats a good start!
    Good luck!

  • Even after reading this i dont know what i should say cuz they would sound like empty words..but be assured that there are people listening and your words have affected them in some way.. also you might wanna try eating more you may feel youre fine but maybe the amount of physical activity you can perform is being reduced due to the food you intake, or lack thereof
    maybe venting can be form of taking out the pent up stress so you can indulge yourself with something everyday
    idk thats a lot of maybes
    ill be here to listen again next week?

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