I cant escape this anymore

  • Well.. 5 years ago my aunt with my two cousin aged 15 and7 came to visit my family... i realy dident care and was distancing myself from them, i had a life and havent seen them for almost 12 years. I was instractor at the pilot school in the army and life was good. Had alot of friends a girlfriend a good job car house that i share with my family (8 rooms is enogh). After a month they lived at our house and i was acting as always, polite but minding myself and not connecting to them. My 15 yrs old cousin came to me and tried to talk with me. I pushed away but she kept trying day after day untill i given up and found an amazing personwho likes the same stuff as me likes the same music as me and we started talking and hanging out everyday. Letter on we gone all on vacation at the red sea and it was a realy good time. Then everything started to change i was starting to work more hours and coming home late all the time so again i started to neglect my cousin and family. My cousin was waiting for me every night when i was coming home and it was late always so everyone was sleaping exept for her. She wanted to talk to watch movies togheter like we did before. But i was tired everytime and said another day which never happend. Then i was coming home much late then usually and she was sleeping in my bed . I toke her to her room and when put her down she woke up and hugged me and then kissed me. I was shocked and just left and gone to my room . After this incident I started sleeping at the base. After weeks that I didn't go home I was told that y aunt and cousins will leave in 4 days back to their country. I came back to family dinner and there she was... She didn't look at me at all and was sad and quiet through the dinner I was told she is missing her friends and want to go back home. Okay we finished and gone to sleep. After sleeping on army bed for a couple weeks I was dying to sleep on my bed. I went to sleep and was sleeping like in heaven. Then I woke up arms was hugging me from behind and someone was crying, It was her, she said she loves me and never met anyone like me and she knows its wrong but she can't help it, and she is afraid that she lost me because of the kiss. I said she can't lose me we are family But we shouldn't do anything like this I am like her brother. Well here she hit me And again and again said that she doesn't care anf fuck the world and everything and then she kissed me only this time I didn't push her away... I don't know what happened to me but I didn't care anymore. I saw her as something else and not my cousin. We didn't do anything more then this one kiss but she stayed in my room to sleep.
    And the last days I took a leave, spent a lot of time with her. We didn't do anything more then we should. And then she went back home. And since then everything fell apart for me. My girlfriend was cheating on me with my commander I quit the army and left the country. I spoke a little with my cousin. But I wanted her to forget me so I changed numbers. Started living and working and tried to forget her.

    And it's not working, I still love her even if we didn't do anything then kiss twice. But she is an amazing person much different then all the girls I met . And I just can't feel anything to anyone except her.
    I am supposed to visit with my family my aunt and cousins in the summer. But I don't know what will happen. 3 years passed since I saw her and I am terrified to see her again. Because I want to forget to not feel what I feel right now to her... It drives me so mad that I started drinking and smoking. And thinking to kill myself

  • Dont kill yourself, but I have mo idea about the rest of your story

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