I am Gay, I am Pakistani, I am Muslim.

  • Hi you all, by the time you finish reading this, you will be left with mixed feelings, maybe and hopefully some realisations, some of you will comment just the foulest things and some of you might type comments of sorry and sadness, some will joke on about it, but without further ado here is my story.
    I am just a regular guy, with only few (three to count) but lovely friends and a typical life. I have to worry too much about studies while I eat from a bag of chips watching Game of thrones. For the most part i am just like you! Except for this one huge ass secret, Nobody knows I am Gay. (Some of you might have recognised this line from the movie Love Simon) I have been Gay my entire life. There was no day in my life when I decided "straight is boring lets be gay" NO! It didn't happened. I first realised it in 8 grade, where I heard the word Gay for the first time, I looked it up on the internet and realised those are my feelings and that I am not attracted to members of the opposite sex, I didn't realized the consequences of these feelings until later, the burden I carry due to something I had no control over. I learned that it would be better for my safety, the honour of my family and the friendship of my few friends that I act to be straight, and laugh at all the "Gay Jokes"(jokes about gays) students and teachers made even though they were extremely fucking offensive and really hurt me.
    Being Gay in Pakistan is really hard, hurting and most lonely. Its like every day when you wake up you have to take a huge breath which you can't exhale, not until you are alone behind the keyboard. Every time you see your crush, it hits you like a cricket bat to the head that you can't do anything to be with them, you can't ask them out or tell them about your feelings, you cannot look at them and they probably don't see you the same way (its not the same as a straight crush) all your dreams to be with them are just that, dreams. To this day I haven't revealed myself to anyone, and each day I want to tell someone, all that comes to mind when I want to hit the button 'Send' are the typical replies: "pray the gay away" "you are sick in the head" "does your family know? it would be shameful" "londaybaz beghairat" "magrabi paidawar" "magrabi fitna" "why?" "Have some shame" "Musalmaan ho ker bhi!" "Tv made you like this" "kusra" "galeez" "besharam" "napaak" "you gay you no muslim" "don't try to normalise this" "its against nature".......and I remove my thumb from the send button to the backspace button and delete all of my massage. Even if I know that this person will be welcoming, all I can think of is how my friendship with that person will change forever, their avoidance of me and them despising me or maybe they will tell someone else, we are all humans at the end. I think some people can welcome you only behind the keyboard and as long as you don't meet them in real life or have no knowledge about eachother (not that anyone welcomed me). Once you come out, for all you know the school would be the last place you ever breath, weather it would be an angry mob at school or a veiled person slitting your throat the second you step out of your home, being gay and known is seriously dangerous, and if you get killed, your killer would emerge as a 'hero of Islam' and 'protecting Pakistan from Western ideas'. These people and I have but one thing in common. I never choosed to be gay; and They never choosed to be Muslim, they are just following what their priests and thier forefathers have told, not any different from the Kuffar of Makkah. And many people will comment on this saying "you didn't pray enough" "how can you be Muslim and gay?" I pray five times a day daily, I have prayed for my conversion to hetrosexuality even in the Tak Raats of Ramadan, i have also kept all fasts despite having exams at the moment, i have never had a single dose of any Drug, i don't lie as hobby, i don't hurt anyone on purpose.
    What can you possibly tell you parents? What words can you gather? what can you tell them, that you like members of the same sex ....sexually? How can you convince them that your feelings are true and not Shaitan's work? when all they ever talk about is your marriage? And what can you possibly do with coming out? You can achieve absolutely nothing. Everyone knows how big our extended families are in Pakistan. Your parents, even if they except you, can't protect you from the relative's questions. Like when are you gonna get married, and if they come to know about your sexuality they will ask the same questions and statements I mentioned earlier. In the end you are always left alone with these thoughts. How many times have I want to jump of the top roof, how many time have want to cut myself, how many times have I lost myself entirely and on the verge of mental impairment? Its not fair! And don't go on telling me, that is life! It isn't like this.
    There are still many aspects about being gay I didn't mention. The feelings are deep, I am not a good writer and my battery is low. And one of the reasons of me writing this is to tell Gay teens of Pakistan and the world "You are not alone" in the hope that they don't feel as lonely as I do.
    I am someone else around my friends. Maybe you have no idea of who I am, maybe you know me personally. Yes, I don't show it, but I am gay. I am your friend and nothing has changed about me, I am the same me who made you laugh, the same me who paid for your burger, the same me who ask for treat, the same me who can make excuses, the same me who didn't do homework and you helped me lie, the same me who walked with you, the same me who talked with you on phone for no particular reason, I am the same me. I am your friend.

  • Freedom Writers - Writing Music Lovers

    I'm so sorry

View More Recent Topics