Suicide is NEVER the answer
Alright, so I’ve done a post like this before, but I really need to talk about this again and again. LIFE ISN’T AS BAD AS YOU THINK. YOU JUST HAVE TO LIVE IT CORRECTLY AND HAVE FUN. All of us have been through terrible things, and one day, we feel like giving up. But, you can’t give up. Giving up and suicide are never, ever the answer.
Let me tell you a little story. I was once depressed too. I couldn’t sleep at night and had to be on pills to help me sleep, I had just found out about my parents getting divorced and a couple other things. So yeah, life wasn’t on my side. I had tried most of the ways of suicide. Cutting my vein, drowning myself, choking myself, jumping off a high point, etc. I had cheated death. One day, I took a drug overdose of those pills that helped me sleep. I had fainted and ended up in the hospital. I was still alive. At this point, I realized that there was no way to kill myself, so I stopped. After a little while, whenever something “bad” happened, I just stopped caring about the bad parts of my day and just thought about that good parts of the day.
As I said in my other post, “we have our ups and our downs, our good days and our bad days”, but that doesn’t mean that we give up. Martin Luther King Jr once said “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But, whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.” Don’t just stay at one place, keep moving. And don’t move back, move forward. Enjoy your life, and don’t be sad. Sadness is going to put a negative impact on your brain, which is then going to cause you to do some other terrible things.
This is my story of irresponsibility and bad decisions. Don't try this at home.
I was a pretty good kid growing up, I was an overweight, fun and food loving kid with a great sense of humor. Always had an addictive personality though and that is where the trouble started. Tried marijuana when i was 14 and used it occasionally from there until I became about 17. Shitty HS student, stayed back in TENTH grade, yeah I'm an asshole. Meanwhile my little bro become school president. I worked as a dishwasher at a CC and of course that was just the culture to get high. Smoker regularly by that point, sneaking hits out back and on my walk home. Throughout high school the frequency increased a lot to where it was morning, during, and after school heavily. Made it my priority to get and herb I could good or bad and smoke until the feelings went away. Paranoia started to become a regular. The drinking and partying started more in my 20's. Had a job with my mother 2 days after graduation and worked with that company for a couple years. Made money, lived at home, and spent most of it on pot, shitty food and bad decisions. Of course no aspirations of college or self improvement, because that meant less pot money and buying whatever I wanted. I didn't even get my license until 21 and drove my dads old truck. Had that for a bit when I drove to my glamorous deli job. Smoking pot ALL the time while there. On break, on the way home, and then whenever I felt. Worked there three years and lost my job for stealing THEN hiding some kind of candy. Started to realize my social and mental issues a bit by that point. I always remained one of the funnier guys in the room, liked to party on occasion but the addictive personality kept getting worse as my weight went up. At 17 I was about 300+ pounds and progressively got worse. I was oddly active for my size, always had a pretty intense fast talking personality. I was about 325 through most of high school, going up and down 15 lbs or so. Always remained a heavy pot smoker. Did some psychedelics in HS and early 20s, definitely still affects from that. Drank at parties and with friends but as you can imagine I had to overdo it all the time. I was a fun drunk honestly but didnt limit my self ever. It wasn't too frequently, could never do it daily. And at this point I am STILL living at home like a loser. Started working for Whole foods Market in 2005 and as you'd think this just opened up the floodgates. Worked in the bakery making 8.00 hr and worked my way into being a baker and mixer. By this point I had my parents fairly new Saturn as they got something bigger. Paid my mom the monthlys on it and owned it fully by 2007. Moved in with on of my best friends and a newer friend, who turned out to be who I am closer to now. This was about the time the credit cards started. Instantly started buying the dumbest shit like hats, clothes, fast food, even though my mom was a kitchen manager for 20 years+. She is why i got into food, gav e me that first job out of HS and of course followed her to Whole Foods. Not good at thinking for my self. Every job I've had was through someone I knew. Worked my way in to the Prep Foods department where she was working, but she moved to Produce to not have nepotism issues. Worked in that department doing all types of jobs but never really got anywhere as far as moving up. My pot use just kept getting worse and it made me more irritable and lose focus. I was a hard worker for the most part, did a lot overtime and long work weeks. Getting high in my car in the lot on breaks, still spending money like shit because all I had was rent, phone bill, and 2 CCs...at the time. THEN I got approved for a Best Buy card for $3000 and that was the start of the spiral. Bought a laptop the day it was appvoved. Started buying all types of DVDs and video games and all types of electronics...usually while high. Pot was easy access because my best friend/landlord was the local dealer. TOO easy to stay high all the time. Our house became a party house, all in our mid to late 20's with a shitload of party friends. I
I learned to DJ and started getting weekly gigs that i had to work my schedule around. Did that for a few years, and built up more equipment and only paid minimums on my cards. Made an extra $200 a week with a solid paycheck.....that again went to pot and shit decisions. Buying sneaks, clothes, bad food, and put gas in my car. Pretty much a lazy POS that only did for himself. Got to the point where I was always behind on rent but still asking for bags of weed. Yeah, really focused and responsible. got to the point where I couldnt afford rent and all my debt, minor at this point, you'll see later... Moved back home after only five years and my parents weren't too bad about it, but there was some strain in the relationship. My pop is a pretty tough and scary dude and doent take shit. Meanwhile i'm a complaining loser blaming my probs on everyone else. Me and my mother still worked together at WFM and def helped us be closer, always looked out for each other. My mother is such a great and caring woman but takes no shit. Wasn't paying rent really and just getting high in my old bedroom in front of a 25 inch TV in a room filled with shoes, clothes, DJ equip, and unnecessary shit, like so much clutter. My pot addiction was intense and horrible and the only way I got through the day was to be high all the time. Just went to work, came home to get high and see what my friends were doing, usually at a bar or drinking somewhere. I was really terrible by this point, just spending all my money on the worst shit, eating horribly despite being a cook and living with a cook. Late night drinking and eating shitty unhealthy foods at 3am. Getting high was even worse, just sat around and got high watching reruns. By this point my friends were all engaged, or married w kids. Got me into real bad depression, pot got even worse. Things with my parents were getting tense and I needed to start finding better ways to spend my time. My car died because I didnt keep up with basic shit like oil changes. All money went to the Mike fun fund. Decided to hit up a HS friend and see if he could help with a car. Talked me into a Toyota Avalon financed for about 19,000. Great idea right? Just ruined my last car and bought some flashy money pit for 375 a month.Now just paying for this new car, getting high and still not paying rent. Still worked at the same job and and my health was starting to feel it more being on my feet 50 hrs a week. All while coming home lonely and depressed, getting high. I looked into dating sites, did a few in the past and met a few, hung out with a few for short periods but never had any self esteem to keep going. Oh by the way, I've always had really bad self esteem because of being obese. I never dated or even hooked up with any ladies in HS, too afraid to try, felt like a pot head loser. Of course find out years later there were some ladies that wanted me to hit on them and thought i was cute. Typical. So now I am at my parents house really depressed at age 33 on all the dating sites, talking to a lot of ladies feeling a little better and trying to get something going. FINALLY I found a good one. We talked for a bit, she was cool w my pot use, had a good bit in common. We meet up and started dating shortly after. Both of us still lived at home which was a bit of an issue but I always drove to her place EVERYDAY.
Shortly after this things at work were getting worse, budget cuts, new management, ridiculous rule changes. I had now been there 9 years making solid money, DJing every weekend . Then they started to target me and my mother. Admittedly I was losing care for the job and the mundane schedule and work. But they decided to go after my mother and push her buttons and I wasnt having it. I started talking about management pretty horribly and my Taurus temper got the best of me and I was fired for it. Now unemployed living at home collecting UComp and living off of my paid time off that was built up. Decided not to work, but still DJed every weekend(pretty illegal) but you think i cared..? With my new girl and found out soon that we both were not good with money, should have been the first flag, but not for me. Still buying pot and using heavy making not much money at all, and driving this financed car back and forth there everyday about 40 min total. Didn't do any upkeep on the car just made sure we were having fun and spending on us. She lived only with her mother, lost her father very young and it was a tough situation for them and there I am just sitting on their couch drawing portraits and pictures for friends making side money. CC bills kept getting worse, but still managed min payments. Somehow paying for that money trap car and racking up mileage. Last year we decided to move in together, both from our parents house......great idea...and i was still unemployed. My freak out manifested itself as quitting pot cold turkey....best move ever right? TOTAL HELL. I wanted to get clean to get a job and it turned out to be the worst thing ive ever done. Severe anxiety, no eating or sleeping, barely functional, had to go to therapy because i constantly freaked out and had weird pains. got a little better in about 40 days or so. Came time for the move and still no job but was making okay side money, again probably illegal. Got moved in covered the first couple months rent and was doing okay. But I decided to open another credit card for a bed, because why pay for it outright when you can go into severe debt and just have it right away. Got a rescue dog, Ruby, she is so beautiful. I had to have a do but we already had a cat and a very feral cat. And the my lady decided to buy everything under the sun and open up new cards, Oh and trade her car in and lease a new car. I didnt get a job until our second month there and of course it was through a friend, but it was flower delivery at 9 per hour. Hit the Big Time! Then I decided to start smoking again, best idea ever. DJing a lot more by then making about 1200 a month doing that. Thought I'd be okay still paying minimums on the cards and contributing to bills. Getting high a lot more now that im in my own place. My average per month was about $350, could have paid my car with that alone. Oh and still paying off four years on a car that I didnt keep up with. Made minor repairs and just didnt give shit as long as it drove. Fake inspected for 100 bucks. All we did was get take out spend money on RIDICULOUS amounts of things online, Amazon mainly. no joke about 250 a month on nonsense and one time use shit. Proposed to her and opened another card to get it, another great idea. can barely pay other bills but had to get that ring. Pot still a staple through all this and constant irritability and fighting because i am a needy child that doesnt listen. Spending just got worse and then I decided to leave that job a year later to try something w better pay but intensely physical. Made it two days and quit because i am so out of shape and my back is terrible. Again unemployed while my fiance is pretty much covering all bills. Credit cards were now not even getting paid at all and rent was impossible. having cable and electric was very costly and we couldnt keep up. And to make matters SO much better I ran that car into the ground because i didnt put OIL in it ever......NEVER CHANGED OR FILLED OIL. And I still owe 11.000 and climbing. Total fucking asshole. Our cell phone bill is about to get shout off ,along with the heat, cable, and losing the apartment with an insane amount of shit in here that was purchased on impulse. We ate what we wanted did what we wanted and had no thought of how it will pan out. I am now in debt for this car for $11000 and rising, havent paid in two months, no CCs being paid total balance is at least $12000, And tax people are coming after me. I'm about to be out on the street with my lady and pets with about 25,000 in debt not to mention her cards totaling 15-20000 and her car lease cosigned by her mother.
LONG story short. I've spent at least $90,000 on pot in my life and thats where this has me. I would do every bit of my life over and maybe could have been a normal contributing member of society. Now just about to be a homeless loser that couldnt control himself. This is going to affect so many people in a very bad way. I am a selfish piece of shit and I deserve every bit of what's coming.
Comment if you'd like if you even make it through this novel
Thanks and I hope you live a better life than me.
What do you think that people think about you?
Did any of you know the victims of the school parkland shooting
@lovelife I'm so sorry for your loss. It was all so terrible