Stressed and stuck after being released from prison
I just been going thru a lot in the past two years. I left my husband august of 2016. I was starting to get on my feet until I ended up getting pulled over and had a probation violation warrant for not reporting. I went to jail in Dec 2016 then I was sentenced to prison Jan 2017. Although I had left my husband my husband and I had been talking and we were trying to,worl,on our relationship. I was in prison from January to August 2017.
After about 4 months of being in prison I decided that my relationship with my husband was unhealthy. So I told him I was going to stop calling I was completely done. I got out of prison on my judicial release(early release) in August. Since I was released early I was on probation again. Since I was on probation I had to live in my hometown and I had to stay at my fathers home which was a complete mess because he only has a 3 bedroom home and i did not have a bedroom because my little brother and sister live there. Not only that but my dad has lived in the same house for over 20 years. The area in which he lives used to be a nice neighborhood has turned into the ghetto. I know practically everyone in my small hometown from kids I went to school with to nearly all the drug dealers. I was pretty popular back on my school days. I can't go anywhere without a few people stopping me to say hi or try to get me to do or help them sell drugs. So its really stressful. On top of that My dad had been telling me I needed to get a job to help with bills and what not. I had no problem with it. I put in some applications buy I had not heard back from anywhere I applied to which I think it had something to do with my record and reputation. However, I was offered a job from one of my friends parents as they own a storw. I I told my probation officer that I wanted to get a job and I had been offered one but my probation officer said I was not allowed to work at that time because I had to focus on my recovery and had to attend my counseling sessions, treatment classes, classes for,probation, report 3 times a week and go,in front of the judge every 2 weeks. Which they want me to go to outpatient treatment because I had been an heroin addict since I was 14-21. I had been clean from heroin for about 3 years before I went to prison off the hard drugs other than marijuana. But I started working back at the strip club to help survive because I couldn't depend or ask my dad or my family for anything. I never had and I'm not going to start.
After being released from prison I started smoking marijuana as I use it as a coping mechanism because it helps me stay clean off the hard drugs and I was tempted to use. I've expressed to my probation officer and the judge that smoking weed really helps me when I feel the urge to use. That I do not consider marijuana a drug because it is used in many states for medicial purposes and marijuana is not addictive or causes accidents or death and that I will always smoke marijuana. They do not agree with me obviously and our state has not passed the law yet.
So, anyways I had to live with my father once I got released from prison. Which was a disaster. My lil brother is struggling with a crack/cocaine addiction. So I was really bothered by that and not having my own room to sleep in I had just felt like a burden to my father as he has been dealing with a lot of stress due to being behind bills, dealing with my brother and my pregnant sister. He would argue with me all the time. I felt like my family didn't want me there.
About two weeks after I was released and staying at my fathers My husband whom I had not talked to since like April of 2017 found out I was out of prison. He called me saying he wanted to see me.. I was very nervous about seeing him as I had left my husband for many reasons but I do and will always have love for him. So I met him a few times hoping maybe we could possibly work things out and maybe I could go home. But every time I met with him he just wanted to try to get me to have sex and I wasn't ready for all that. I wanted us to start over and rebuild and work on our relationship. So then because I didn't want to have sex he would try to argue with me and tell me that he wanted to see our dog coco yet the whole time I was in prison I asked him to go pick coco up from my fathers house. He failed to do so. But now he wanted to see our dog? I told him i would bring Coco to see him next time I was in town. He stopped bothering so much.
About a month later I met a guy and we started talking. He was very sweet and nice. However, about a month after we started talking I found out that he had a fiance and I stopped talking to him. It really hurt my feelings. So I decided I didn't need to get into a new relationship with anyone. I should be single for awhile. Well, after a few weeks I started getting lonely again. I went to the bar a couple weekends in a row and hooked up with a few guys. Some of them picked me up from my fathers house to take me on dates but they all knew I didn't want nothing serious. Just wanted to have fun and become friends with benefits (f*'m buddies)
Then my husband calls me telling me that he knows that I had been out with guys that my father, sister and brother all told him what I was doing and who I was going out with. He was saying I was cheating on him. I was like how is this when we aren't together. We may be married but we have been separated for quite some time. So he started texting me saying that when we get divorced that he is going to,me me sure I get nothing and that he will be getting coco once the divorce was finalized. So I felt pretty betrayed by my family. I felt that they had absolutely no reason to tell my husband about what I was doing and what was going on with my life. I did not even want to be around them after this happened.
So I started thinking and talking to a few of my friends that I know that went to prison and got early release. One of my closest friends told,me that she stopped reporting and turned herself in and she was sent back to prison to do the rest of her sentence. So, i thought if I would stop reporting and let my probation officer put a warrant out for my arrest that they would send me back to prison, so that way I could just finish the rest of my time and be off probation completely but unfortunately they would not let me do it. Instead they let me back out.
While I was in jail my father had called my husband and he ended up picking up our dog coco. My father and I argued a lot after I got out because of him giving coco to my husband. My father was also saying that if I am never going to do anything with my life. That I'm going to be worthless just like my mother. That I am always going to be in and out of jail or prison and that he don't want me around. It really hurt my feelings. So I packed my things and moved into my older brothers apartment.
My brother and the mother of his child I are addicted to heroin. Its hard to be around them when they use because it makes me want to get high. But I did not relapse. I just would stay gone majority of the day and come home to go to eat sleep and go to bed. Well I over slept and missed two appointments in one day one with my probation officer and the other with my counselor. Usually when you miss an appointment they will give you a probation violation and put you in jail so I stopped reporting again and when they put a warrant out I turned myself in. I begged the judge to let me sit the remainder of my time out and he still would not let me. He released me again from jail...
So, now I am back in my brothers apartment again. When I got home I realised a lot of my things were missing like some of my favorite designer clothes that my husband bought me from Saks fifth ave, gold and silver coins that I started collecting that cost about 300 each, my old cell phones, tablet, MAC make up and shoes. I confronted my brother about it. He said he would talk to the mother of his child about it. She said she didn't steal anything clothes. That when I was in jail her little sister stayed and must have. Later that day she messaged me saying she found some of my clothes. Well she brought some of them back.. But of course my favorite clothes were not there.. Then my tablet showed up in my bedroom closet out of no where. But my gold coins cell, phones, shoes and make up are still missing. Its really stressing me out.
Well I was using his phone tonight he got a text message from his baby mom and I can't help but to read his past messages from her.. I was being nosey. I see a message from her during the time I was in jail saying she could get 100 out of the clothes and she said they could sell the gold and silver coins. So now I know that not only did my brother know that she stole and sold my clothes but he was obviously in on it too. Which really hurts my feelings because I help out a lot. I pay $250 a month in rent, buy groceries and house hold nessessities, give him money when he needs it and baby sit my niece whenever. So it really hurts my feelings that he would just do this to me. But I do,understand addiction but even when I was addicted to drugs I never had to steal. I always found a way to get money by hustling for my dealers.
I am struggling with what to do. I want to move out on my own so I don't have to deal with this but with me being on probation and my probation officer does not want me working and in out patient treatment. I just don't know what or how I am going to do it. I almost think what would be best for me if I went to do the remainder of my sentence which literally is only 19 days as of now. Which is almost 3 weeks. Which it will be over in no time then I can be off probation. I am thinking about not reporting to probation anymore and let them put another warrant out for my arrest and turn myself in again. I just don't know what to do with my things. Maybe get a storage unit and put my things in there before I turn myself in. I just don't even know if it will even work this time because it has not the past 2 times I went to jail. I just want to get a real job so that i can start living and get a job instead of working at the strip club and move out of my home town on my own.
Idk if this sounds dumb to anyone or if I am thinking clearly. I am just stressed and stuck in a hard spot.
Life is boring without ________________?
@khaleezi91 said in Life is boring without ________________?:
@alwaysstranger yes i am...ofcourse..i guess i am that kind of a person ..who like to create stress just to make it more meaningful...so yes i want to read about it..if u have resources.
I don't know a name of a full book that talks about the topic but i know a chapter of a super good book called "How To Make Friends And Influence People" by Dale Carenagie that covers the topic pretty well. Here you go
From 44:30 Yo the outro Music
From the start to 19:20
That's only about 30 min of the 7h+book
"How To Make Friends And Influence People" by Dale Carenagie has been rated as one of the best books of all time on many lists and i originally found it on a millionaires booklist
Here is the full book (all 8 parts):
AND if you actually just want to read a book about how to stop stressing yourself and start living, there's another book from Dale Carenagie that's called "How To Stop Worrying And Start Living" :
Lovers of Music
great band to chill out to if you are stressing over test, relationships, etc...
what do you usually do when you're stressed?
@kimbobby isolate myself and listen to music while playing games to take my mind off of whatever is stressing me out. And food never hurts either lol
How do you convince your parents for something they aren't allowing you to do?
@sammy There isn't much you can do here. They will always use their feeling against your logic and as you claimed, that you have been asking them that for a long time, there is a little chance that they would change. You can only wait it out. Believe me, it's much better than stressing after a heated argument
Ive experienced that shit before, when you keep on stressing about current situation that weakenes you then u wont revolve, we need to grow, everyone needs to grow, by focusing on your future and forget about your past is when you will revolve and u can meet success there, when u keep on looking back, u can dissapear or stick on your past life with pain in you. Learn to let the shit go.
The ultimate Goal
As the world turns, people walk past each other not seeing the emotions or thoughts of the strangers around them.
They dont know the pain or the struggles that other are having.
Because we have our own problems. It is anything from not getting asked out by that cute guy to the crippling depression that pushes you down every day.
The pain of the world is actually just life. We are put on this Earth and after a short period with your parents, we are put to work. Millions of hours dedicated to studying and stressing over tests. Constantly worrying about being compared to the geniuses of the world.
Being subjected to those strangers thst dont know you, but already have opinions.
Then you struggle with finding out who you are. What you believe and dont. Then having to stand up against someone who doesnt believe the same. Dressing different from everyone else. You dont want to be unique, because unique is just an illusion of happiness. The minute you become the unique away from everyone else’s unique, youre too different for the world.
Those first years of your life, childhood, you suffer the most criticism it feels like. Then thats even the worst part. You need to make adult decisions. Like what you wanna be, how much you want to succeed. Do you pick your dreams from childhood or do you pick the hard truth, reality?
We become zombies to the society. Day in and day out going through the routine of a “perfect” life. Instead of enjoying the happiness we can all obtain.
We love and then lose. And it hurts the most when you know that the people you love arent always going to be around.
With every life. No matter who you are, it comes to an end. It varies on when. Take a look at the people who you are around daily. Family, friends, partners, annoying coworkers, or even just nameless faces. Take a look, because all the memory you have of them, are just that, a memory.
When I say i live “in the now”, it means I refuse to acknowledge that there isnt a forever for anyone. My daughter wont be here, she isnt here. My true love, wont be here, he isnt here. Your family, wont be here, they wont always be there.
And its a harsh reality of death. To have unique traits that people destroy, its own kind of death. To have dreams destroyed by reality of needing money/degrees/acceptance from others, its own kind of death.
Having people close to you ripped away one by one, is worse than deatg itself.
And then at the end of it all, your own actual death, is the one that hurts the least.
Because as a human, you live a life that has ups and downs. And the downs can absolutely destroy you. And if they do, game over. But if you prosper to another day, you are one day closer to another version of death. You are also one day closer to the least painful of them all.
So take a look. Look at those pictures of happy times. Remember the good memories. Look forward to the next up, and try not to remember the pain of the downs.
Live your life, keep walking past those nameless faces. Hug the people you love. And never forget that the death, is your ultimate goal. Because once its here, you have had the strength to make it to the end of the plan. The universes plan of your life.